roll it all right I got to do I got to do a couple little housewarming things for first of all we have sponsors for tonight’s show The Streeter Brothers Concrete and Burton is one of the sponsors and D Smiles Foundation of Burton is also one of the sponsors of our show so give it up for them give it up for the sponsors of the show I’m now going to bring the next meeting up to Stage uh he is performed at the funny spot uh comedy at the creek and at the an aror showcase all the way from Flint Michigan please give a round of applause to Mr Chris Reed everybody Mr Chris Reed hey give it up for Bill Morrison yeah all right so before I even get into this full disclosure I’m right now I didn’t smoke a joint or anything I just live in Flint it’s just in the air hey Flint’s the only place I know where you can step out on your front porch and you can be like nothing like a breath of fresh morning [Laughter] air [ __ ] man I haven’t smoked a joint in 20 years and can’t pass a drug test Ain that some [ __ ] so I’m going to tell youall a little bit about myself uh my name is Chris and I identify asexual I try to be sexual unfortunately my wife is a dry seexual kind of hard for me to get into that you know what I mean us triex Wills we actually have our own flag just a bunch of frowny faces with some blue balls in the middle see what else about me I’m 53 with bad Vision I used to get excited about large breasts now I get excited about large font not quite the same I used to steal things when I was a kid luckily my mom was always there to make me give things back you know she’d be like now you didn’t pay for that candy bar let’s take that back into the store and give it to the nice man at the counter and uh those aren’t your Hot Wheels let’s take those back to your friend’s house and give them back to him well now I’m an adult but sometimes I wish my mom was still here to make me give things back you know like now you don’t need that cocaine let’s take that back to the nice man at the dope house now those crabs aren’t yours let’s go give those back to that skank at the bar probably that’s a cute joke honey but you didn’t write that let’s give that back to the comedian you stole it from she’s a good mom come here I try to be a good dad took my kids back to my old neighborhood to show them the places that are special to me I showed him the uh playground where I had my first kiss uh the parking lot where I learned how to ride a bike uh the intersection where I got my first DUI the motel where I got my first STD and it was a little awkward probably should have skipped the reenactments so I’m actually a little irritated right now y’all mind if I vent for a minute cool all right well I was almost late getting here tonight cuz I got stuck behind a bunch of people who were doing 10 miles under the speed limit yeah you know how it is finally I got pissed and I sped past him and I was like [ __ ] you [ __ ] you and all your stupid little orange Flags must have been a car club or something I don’t know so I don’t understand uh this obsession with Chris Hemsworth you know the Marvel actor I mean he’s decent looking but he is not all that I was actually thinking about him the other day allows masturbating I had a Thor gasm which makes sense cuz in my fantasy my ass was getting hammered it was marvelous that went from bad to worst didn’t it ah [ __ ] it have we got any veterans in the house any veterans oh okay I like to thank veterans whenever I can I thank a veteran last night at the restaurant went over to his table and I was like thank you for your service and I shook his hand and then I noticed his legs were gone so I was like man I’m sorry about your injuries he looked really confused uh turned out he was just wearing camouflage pants kind of embarrassing speaking of embarrassing I’m a substitute teacher that’s my day job uh I don’t like my day job I do try to be positive though like every morning when I go to work before I walk into the door I always stop and I say it’s going to be a great day somewhere it’s a hard job though man these kids are just out of control right so I’ve come up with a way to get back at the ones that piss me off yeah like right before recess I’ll tell them all right we’re about to have a little spelling test and here’s how it works I I give you a word to spell and if you spell it correctly you get to go outside for recess if you spell it wrong you spend recess in the office let’s start over here with Skylar Skylar spelled dog Skylar’s like d o good job Skylar get in line next we’ll go with Calvin Calvin spell cat Calvin’s like that’s easy c a t all right Calvin go line up next we come to stepen the little [ __ ] like oh look who’s turn it is next Stephen Stephen spell anti- disestablishmentarianism man Steven hates me but that’s okay cuz I hate him too one thing that helps me with classroom management is positive reinforcement you know giving the kids praise when they do a good job yeah I’ll walk around the room I’ll be like oh I like how Billy is raising his hand and oh I like how Susie’s coloring inside the lines gives the other kids incentive to do better and this actually works so well that I’ve started doing this in my personal life yeah like last weekend I hosted an orgy oh I was all over that living room I was like oh I like how Tina is tonging the butthole oh look how Lucy has a [ __ ] in each hand good job Lucy of course you always got your Slackers be like oh I don’t know Paul we’re 10 minutes in and Becky’s pants are still on that pussy’s not going to eat itself buddy I think the worst thing about being a sub though is uh bumping into the kids when I’m out of the stores it’s awkward man cuz they’re kids right it’s like you never know what they’re going to say like I saw this little boy he was like Daddy there’s that man that locked me in the closet I was like then I saw a little girl she’s like Mama there’s that man that stole my lunch money that’s a sweet little side hustle right there yeah I don’t like going to the stores anyway man I hate the U scans don’t you hate the U scans hey how you got to lick your fingers to get the plastic bags apart yeah I was doing that the other day and the guy next to me looks over he’s like hey man you don’t got to lick your fingers he’s like if you got oily skin like me just do this that’ll get the bags apart I said damn thanks man but my Skin’s a little dry today but then I thought well my balls are kind of sweaty let me go ahead and so I rubbed them a little bit that got the bags apart yeah then the cashier comes over she’s like you find everything okay I was like yeah high five yeah another thing I hate about the stores is the high ass prices man prices are through the roof right and like even when something’s on sale the sales are just stupid like I saw this sale that said buy 15 bottles of Pantene save $2 I’m like 15 bottles what am I shampooing a 70s Bush stupid Hey speaking of stupid I got those uh energy saving light bulbs what a joke I mean yeah they use less energy but they also barely put out any light good thing is now it’s not so bad when my wife asks me to do it with the lights on that’s a joke my wife’s a beautiful woman not only is she beautiful but she’s funny man she’s got a quick wit like yesterday she rolled her eyes at me I said you know eye rolling is a microaggression she said so is your penis she’s not wrong so y’ might have noticed uh I have a slight limp I was out getting my wife some flowers and I twisted my ankle tripped over a tombstone I was leaving the cemetery hey it’s worth a dog I her some roses shout out to the Thompsons whoever they are save me some cash yeah but uh I had to get my wife some flowers though cuz I made her mad at me the other day we were at a family dinner and I told her she had a booger like right in front of everyone so she got embarrassed and so afterwards we decided to come up with some code words to use in case that happened again yeah so we decided that if one of us has a booger in the nose then we’ll say you got a homie in the crib right but sometimes the homie leaves the crib so if you got a booger on the lip then we’ll say there’s a homie on the porch worst thing though is when the homie leaves the porch yeah we’re at a party my wife looked at me she’s like OMG homie in the yard I repeat homie in the yard and I went in the bathroom and looked in the mirror I had a homie smashed into my beard how does that even happen oh but that ain’t nothing we’re at Meyer in the checkout lane and I sneezed real hard my wife was like homie across the street man I looked at the dude in front of my homie was was stuck to the back of his neck oh we were cracking up too till the dude turned around he was like what so funny I was like n man we were just laughing about something that happened to my homie that was a close one so my wife’s a therapist uh she’s an expert in depression anxiety trauma PTSD grief and loss substance use and attachment disorders uh which basically means she’s qualified fight to deal with my [ __ ] the ironic thing about her being a therapist is that she loves to talk man she talked so much I went out and bought a hearing aid just so I could turn it down yeah her favorite thing to talk about is her dreams which I don’t mind listening but then when she asked me about my dreams it makes me feel kind of stupid like this morning we were laying there she’s like last night I had a dream that my dad was in a retirement home and I went to visit him but they wouldn’t let me into to see him so I found the window to his room and I could see him but he couldn’t see me and he was laying there in a bed he had the keyboard that I bought him for his birthday except all the keys were missing and then all of a sudden everything went dark and I could hear Amazing Grace playing in the background and I tried to call out to him but there was no sound coming out of my mouth and I know there’s a lot of symbolism there but I’m just not sure how to analyze those things and she looks at me and she’s like did you have any dreams I’m like I dreamt I was at Disneyland with Chris Hemsworth that’s all I got and so I read that people are actually waiting longer to get married now which I think is good cuz I think you can get married too young like I had a friend he got married when he was 18 messed him up he started blinking a lot yeah him and his wife would come over to visit they sit down on the couch my friend would be like I thought it was a nervous tick years later I found found out it was Morse code he was saying Help Me This Woman’s crazy none of us ever picked up on it though poor guy now it’s a miracle I’m even married though CU I have a hard time with commitment yeah especially when it comes to jobs that’s why I rarely stay at one job for longer than five or six minutes yeah it blows my mind though when I hear about these people that have worked at one job their whole life like I saw how this 68-year-old man worked at one burger joint for 50 years yeah can you imagine the monotony they’ be like me cheese pickle lettuce me cheese pickle lettuce meat cheese pickle L us all right so before I get out of here uh I’m going to leave youall with this one last thing uh I have a question have you ever been on hold for so long that you forget who you called all the time man I was on hold the other day like forever right finally the lady comes back on she’s like I am so sorry for the weight what’s the appointment appointment for I was like well I think I need a new prescription for my testosterone pills cuz I’m still having some trouble getting aroused and when I do ejaculate there’s like barely anything coming out she’s like oh well I’m sorry to hear that but what are we doing with the Jeep Patriot oops all right I’m Chris Reed thanks for listening enjoy the rest of your night all right give it up for Chris Reed one more time everybody once more streer conrete let’s give him a big shout out and deep smile Foundation as well the other thing
