I’ll give you a few moments to digest that. Or recover from your choking fit. Or finish writing a letter of disgust to the relevant authorities.
Apparently, hyaluronic acid can be used to increase the circumference of said appendage by one or two centimetres which, in turn, would increase the surface of a ski jumper’s suit. That slight expansion in the tightly-fitting uniform could then increase their flight through the air.
I might douse my own golf balls in the stuff. We’re always seeking a bit of extra, ahem, length off the tee, after all.
According to medical experts, a poorly injected technique or incorrect dosage can lead to pain, inflammation, sensory change and dysfunction.
It sounds just like the miserable, lingering side effects of handing in yet another appalling scorecard at the Saturday medal.
Talking of things expanding, I see the old debate about adding a fifth men’s major championship has reared its head again. Now that’s quite a segue, eh?
A promotional video for next month’s Players’ Championship at Sawgrass, the event often known as the unofficial ‘fifth major’, was accompanied by the tagline, ‘March is going to be Major’.
It was a canny, some may say mischievous, bit of marketing of its flagship event by the PGA Tour and it certainly stirred the pot on social media.
In these fevered times of instant responses and hysterical reactions, that pot doesn’t need much stirring.
Brandel Chamblee, the provocative CBS golf analyst, dumped his spurtle in it anyway and gave it a good birl by saying, “the Players’, to me, stands alone and above the other four major championships. It is, in my estimation, the best major.”
Cue the kind of indignant spluttering and harrumphing you’d get from a Herald reader who’s still reeling from being confronted by the word ‘penises’ in a golf column.
This fifth major lark, of course, has been doing the rounds for yonks. The Players’ Championship may be something of a young ‘un – it came on the scene in 1974 – but its list of champions, depth of field, mighty prize fund and iconic host venue gives it considerable clout.
But do we really need an official fifth major? The mere thought of it actually makes me quite weary.
Many a piece has been written about the current configuration of the men’s majors. From the Masters in April to The Open in July, the four grand slam events hurtle by at such a rate, there’s barely time to blink let alone miss them.
Plenty of observers would like to see them extended beyond the condensed, 15-week window they are shoe-horned into just now. Toss another one into the mix, and an already jam-packed schedule becomes even more congested.
There is an argument, of course, that a fifth major could be a portable one and explore fertile lands by going to hotbeds like Asia, South Africa or Australia. In a truly global game, why should the USA hog the major limelight?
The current four majors – The Open, the US Open, the US PGA Championship and the Masters – have evolved into this celebrated, treasured quartet through time and with the rise of professional golf.
The Amateur Championships on both sides of the Atlantic were considered majors when Bobby Jones stormed the ‘impregnable quadrilateral’ in 1930 and won those two unpaid titles, as well as The Open and the US Open, to complete the grand slam.
Even some PGA Tour events like the Western Open and the North and South Open were deemed majors among some leading US players back in the day.
On the women’s front, meanwhile, the major waters were muddied somewhat when the high heid yins elevated the status of the Evian Championship in 2013.
The LPGA Tour, which at one point had only two majors, now had five.
I recall a little head-scratcher back in 2015 when the great Inbee Park won the Women’s Open at Turnberry.
That success meant the prolific Korean had completed the traditional career grand slam but because of the addition of the Evian to the major rota – Park had won the Evian crown a year before it became a major – her achievement prompted a rather contrived explanatory press release.
It read: “For players who have won four different majors available in their careers, the LPGA has and will continue to acknowledge them as having accomplished a career Grand Slam.
“For players who have won five different majors, the LPGA has and will continue to acknowledge them as having accomplished a Super Career Grand Slam.”
Imagine if Augusta National binned its tokenistic approach to women’s golf and actually staged a Women’s Masters at some point in the future, then we could have a whopping six female majors. A Super-Duper Career Grand Slam presumably?
When it comes to the majors, with their prestige and sense of anticipation, sometimes less is more. As far as the men’s game is concerned, I’ll stick with four, thank you.
Now, where do we inject that hyaluronic acid again? Ouch. Not in there obviously…