BEZOS WEDDING JUNE 27, 2025 #history #comedy #branding #news #satirecomedy
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💥 Jeff Bezos to Host the World’s Most Disruptive Destination Wedding 💥
Venice is drowning-again.
This time, not from rising sea levels.
Amazon overlord Jeff Bezos and fiancée Lauren Sánchez
touched down in Venice on Wednesday,
kicking off three days of lavish VIP celebrations
in the sinking city.
Locals? Not exactly rolling out the gondola.
Instead, in a ritualistic act of Italian defiance
(and fingerly finesse), activists launched:
A life-size Bezos mannequin
floating down the Grand Canal-
boxed up like Prime Day regret
on a giant Amazon-branded crate.
Return shipping included.
No questions asked.
🎭 The protest wasn’t just performance art.
It was a floating eyeroll at the ultra-rich
treating Venice like their personal backdrop,
while locals are priced out, and the city struggles
with climate, tourism, housing pressures,
and last but not the least,
Americans demanding pineapples on pizzas.
Signs bobbing on boats read:
🪧 “Make Bezos Pay”
🪧 “Venice is Not for Sale”
Oxymoron? Or just moron?
What exactly they want him to pay for remains unclear.
Spoiler: Whatever it is, he already bought it. Duh.
So no-Bezos hasn’t even said “I do” yet,
and Venice is already screaming “Nah, dude.”
✈️ Travel plans include about 90 private jets that
are expected to swarm local airports this weekend,
carrying A-listers from politics, finance, Hollywood,
and that one guy who always says “I’m big on crypto.”
The whole affair?
Estimated to cost €40–48 million ($46–56 million).
That’s roughly 0.00000005% of Bezos’ wealth.
Meanwhile, you’re still arguing with your partner
about that $75 DJ from your cousin’s wedding.
Regret:
Marriage?
Spending?
Both?
📜 Guest invites read:
“We are excited for you to join us! One request: Please, no gifts.”
Why?
Because:
They don’t need them.
You can’t afford them.
Amazon Prime Day isn’t until July.
🏛️ Venice City Hall has locked down key areas,
walling off protestors from the party zone. Symbolic, really.
One Venetian, John Rigatoni, shouted:
“I am fed up of my amazon prime subscription.”
Nobody asked, but John said it anyway.
Later, he added:
“We who were born here now have to
either move to the mainland or beg to board a ferry.
Idiotas-have become the masters.”
He said this while holding a €200 ferry ticket
and a receipt for a 4-pack of toilet paper that cost 18 Euros.
🎉 The second party, slated for today (Friday)
will welcome 250 guests arriving via:
🚀 Phallic-shaped Blue Origin golf carts
(based on Bezos’ “girl boss rocket club”-
because empowerment = propulsion).
Why golf carts?
Because Daddy Bezos likes to swing
both stocks and clubs, just like T.
🍾 And the afterparty?
Held at-where else-an Amazon warehouse:
1,000 “employees” (or are they robots?)
on their fifth unpaid shift,
delivering party favors
with Prime precision.
🛑 No unions
🚫 No breaks
✨ Just Vibes
Coming soon on TUDUM (aka NFLX):
The Wedding You Can’t Afford to Watch- Rigatoni Edition.
