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Probably not but if it happens it happens right okay yeah that’s really likely well should I just go 32 one and go you’re there we go what a way to start the first ever gorilla football uh bought you by in association with match Bingo and joining me for this auspicious
Debut uh Daniel Norcross who was TMS yeah but before that test match sofa the other the other TM yes the first TMS the the the bastard father of Guerilla Cricket indeed indeed and also uh what I I invited the two people who made me laugh most in the first lockdown and
That was you Daniel remember that game we were playing inventing paparazi we’ll get on to that oh yes and eggy who I’ve known for [ __ ] is it 43 years now more 53 oh we’re a bit older aren’t we [ __ ] 53 years yeah still funny so so so
Just to be clear um before we started our other guest that you’ve yet to introduce I can’t yes which but but ask a very gerine question where do we stand on swearing and you said best to avoid it but if it happens it happens does and
So within the first minute we’ve had two F bombs have we yes H you no yes no right okay well yes luckily it’s U and and up in Wakefield are you the third or fourth most famous person in Wakefield now I think I’m probably fourth now I was it’s Martin ker by the
Way everyone fans of fans of comedy comedy fans yes indeed I am Martin kellerer and delighted to be joining this very diverse this very diverse lineup that you have there fantastic um so as a as a northerner I sort of um you know are you a northerner
I thought you came from the home counties no from Manchester originally really so yeah yeah yeah oh like Michael vaugh because Michael vaugh of course famously Yorkshire we all think but born in Manchester right that’s absolutely right as a city fan I believe in fact I saw
Him at a Manchester City match um a little okay Martin I’m just going to cut you off there um but anyhow um the purpose of the show is bingo is is bringing association with Guerilla football this is your chance to play live sports football Bingo and we’re
Playing it on the 3:00 kickoffs get your cards now at ww matcho do/ play um it couldn’t be simpler you get 15 the names of 15 teams kicking off at 3:00 when they score you score the first person to get a line wins £25 two lines £50 Full House £100 and
We’ve also got a new feature anytime full house so the the Full House might go but you get one at any time you get a share of £100 three cards available you can buy more if you want and most importantly half of all the money goes straight to the Stroker Association so
It’s for good causes and it’s fun and we’ll be telling you more about that as we talk on this the first ever gorilla football so were you on the first ever gorilla Cricket or TMS yes I was at the very first test match sofa was the first
Day of the Cardiff test match between England and Australia in 2009 the famous test match in which Monty panar and um Jimmy Anderson sore out time how many how many overs did they B for we it felt like about 50 but it was in fact only
About 6 or seven um and it was horrendous we were the first um we were the first Cricket country after the retirement of John arlot to survive purely on booze right and so by the end of that game um we were we were many sheets to the wind and my mother had
Very inconveniently and suddenly snuffed it the week before Oh s to well I mean it’s 15 years ago I’m I’m I’m cing you never you never lose the grief obviously will but um but but within within a week I was I I’d launched testm sofa and
After that uh I did that for four years and now who else was who else was on the panel for the first one for the first one the well the bear the bear who’s who’s here he in the building Founding Father the founding bear of uh of Guerilla Cricket um alongside a young
Man called Kato Harris who went on to found Iceland Cricket Iceland Foods Iceland Cricket Iceland Cricket not Iceland Foods no no no um and I I can’t remember actually because we didn’t we didn’t get the services of Nigel Henderson for a few test matches so how
Did you rate this panel for the first debut of Guerilla football compared to the one for TM well I mean speaking from personal experience far less knowledgeable about its subject okay U I’m relying obviously on Martin and uh and you two to um to tell me what the
Hell’s going on because I I have a very more than passing interest in football I used to watch a lot big fan of AFC Wimbledon y we we’ll talk about them in a minute I remember a car do you remember that carry AFC Wim and eggs
When we went to their first ever match the the food poisoning yes we went to see the whole of the obser by the way quickly before that anecdote you must get your bingo cards before the 3:00 before the game start um Bingo once it starts you can’t get back in so do hurry
Up and play if you can that’s called a call to action call to action you’re running out of time I am you’ve got three minutes just as well we we kick this off at 102 isn’t it you know gave people plenty of time to get their bingo
Card had as you know I had an incident packed Uber drive to put it mildly but we won’t go there hello Martin you still awake in Wakefield just about yeah I’m uh you know I’m I’m staying awake and listening to all this fascinating stuff about uh about Cricket
Test match sofa and all that stuff yes and it’s brilliant I is it is it true that I can win money yes you can win money yeah I sit doing a show in the middle of the night for talk yeah and uh I have no chance to win money at all I
Mean I do get paid a small amount but very little chance to uh how what’s the listenership on that show now millions millions millions ah absolutely Millions which where sorry where are they a lot of them in hoochi Min City uh quite a few in qu Lumpa would you would you get
Ask few autograph in h minu City if I went into hoi Min City as it’s more correctly called I can’t do pronounce I’d be I’d be mobbed in the street you’ve been mobbed in the street one minute to get your bingo cards everyone keep going Martin Martin did you did you
Mention hoi Min City and and knowing knowing you are a great fan of trivia I wanted to ask you do you know where in England there is a full life-size statue of hoochi min oh no do tell me well I I’m going to put this to the audience
And and to the panel and any ideas well I can do a little bit of showing off here um in May I saw a full death size hoochi Min lying down in Hanoi in his mum wow it’s the best bit of air conditioning I’ve ever experienced absolutely not supp poos to Martin ker
Up obviously on the parade ground outside it’s Kelner did you will you ask for your autograph and kept on signing it did you say you’d met him once you’d have been mobbed you’ve now got a what 30 seconds to buy those cards and then I mention them again but we will be we’re
All playing along basically people watching and hope you’re playing with us and we’ll be filling you in you’ll get the scores as they happen live so you won’t miss any of the action in um some quite interesting lower league matches and Beyond the lower league should I put
Martin and and the audience out of their misery yeah the lifestyle lifesized statue of hoi Min can be found in New Haven New Haven New Haven because he used to work as a chef on a cross Channel Ferry what he why you talking who is he what’s
Going on well it’s it’s it’s all true it’s that’s one for you Martin you can have that for your nighttime show most extraordinary person you could you come come in from Deep new hav New Haven at 5 in the morning off the fer with your 200 deorio you could to try
And sell at school and there’s in what selling [ __ ] where did he work on the ferry was he cleaning it Casino catering he was he in the restaurant did he work with John Prescott I that I don’t know when when did he what what did he do I don’t even know
The pH person you’re talking about where’s Uncle ho he’s down around the back of the shamby Lori nicking the yogurt who what the he the architect of America’s destruction in the 19 it’s in Scotland so it doesn’t count unle they call him Uncle ho what did he do what
Did he Vietnam how dides he get from there to running Vietnam what did he do Vietnam yes I don’t know I know I I’m lost I’m not good at geography what what what’s going on Martin yes he’s Vietnam what’s going on how did he get from the
Ferry yeah which one which which one was he on Stella cink or was he on though I oh ceiling bog standard ceiling late 50s early 60s I think so yeah oh fairies were quite classy then weren’t they I mean well I think that was the thing and
He was why did he just keep going from the1 end up in Vietnam I don’t know I mean maybe he was called back to serve his country I I don’t know I don’t know why he turned his back on New Haven but he did he did die the rest as
They say is mid 20th century history it is well do you know the this Bingo thing well on my phone it now says one of your games is in progress yes that would be a Bingo’s game yes go go to live game do I want to do that or do I
Yes you want to your card should come up Martin yeah my card I’ve got my card I just want to know if I go uh I can’t do your Tech remotely for goodness sake I don’t I don’t know thing about watching you play with your your phone is
Riveting I bet it is anyhow what eggy what were you saying well you have before we got diverted by home well when we talking about AFC Wimbledon the first ever encounter AFC we went along mob-handed the whole of the Observer sport Observer sports death
To go and see MC Harvey who was a member of chart topping blazing Squad that’s right um who played left midfield for AFC Wimbledon yes and do you remember the guy who scored the goal first ever goal went by the name trigger yeah his dad told me afterwards cuz he thought he
Used the nickname because he thought he was in MI5 it was actually cuz he was the Miram the sun’s Chief phone hacker I do remember that allegedly what I remember I know I think it all came out in court sure what what all came out was the worst case of food
Poisoning ever I was fine I don’t think I but I don’t eat C it I think it it was the bolty pies the Brian Oliver the sports editor phoned me the next morning and said egie you’re going to have to go to conference I’m I’m not going to make
It I haven’t been off the L all night and I said um I said I’m going to have to cry off as well oh Sor pass phone Bear’s in the house he’s producing it’s going to have bear so we got two of the debutants here
And also tarby is here to who’s a comic genius but he’s hiding he’s shy but he may come on oh be nice I of course you can’t really see you particularly well at the moment will because the camera is pointing at me that’s okay you you organized it that
Way didn’t no I I was I was told to move to this seat because that was the main seat yeah I know I that was presumptuous of me and I’m not really taking advantage of all the tech around me no I’m just happy to be a hand we don’t
Have we haven’t got any Jingles um no but it’s it’s a great setup here Martin I wish you could see this we’ve got um eight screens in front of us yeah and so far all it’s told us is that alist Johnson score for Celtic but that’s not on your
Bing go card so Martin just quickly in home m city yeah are you more famous there than you are in Wakefield so where do you rank as famous people there well Chris Kamara is excuse me I’ve got don’t die on us MK what other Wayfield standing you said that’ be quite the
Scoop would yeah well not really three talented broadcast is put off by guest at home dying unknown guest other than Vietnam where it’s huge apparently they they be they be a state state funeral in homie Jin hom chin you keep saying hom I don’t know how to pronounce it I
Don’t know what I’m talking about respectful to the great leader okay who’s wakefield’s great leader Chris Kamar still number one even the stricken Chris Kamar Chris yeah is he okay well he’s not bad I was in a studio the other day that he’d just done recording it oh what you just follow
I just follow him around yes a little a little bit of his Fame and everything will rub off on me but yeah I was in the studio and he just done the recording he’s slowed down a wee bit you know it’s more sort of unbelievable Jeff rather
Than he used to be so he’s slow down we but it’s okay bless him he’s been he’s been going to Mexico uh treatment blind treatment for this I think a spa a spa something yeah it doesn’t yeah oh send best next time he blanks you in Whitefield I will yeah
Next time he BLS me and who’s second who’s who’s silver I’m just thinking if you’re ever going to Podium again yeah Jay McDonald is is she still on loose not loose is J McDonald one of yours Jay McDonald yeah W field oh she’s one of ours and I mean bizarre thing is every
Other night we have a gold B GH fans Chesterfield of school James Barry in the fourth minute sorry to interrupt you there got Chester Field that’s all right I’ve got Chesterfield there you go you’re ahead already you’re going to when I mean yeah but what why isn’t it
Is it not supposed to do something or do I can I press it no no it’ll all be fine Mar it’s all automated don’t try and sell the game go back to the weight field so you’re so Kamar top Kamar top J McDonald do you know J McDonald Dan well
I I I know her from her turns on Celebrity goggle box oh yeah she’s done that she done everything she who your three top celebrity goggle boxers you had to pick a team Lawrence Fox was he on seriously he was he was he was on with his cousin Amelia is that
Amelia was it Amelia before he went a bit I mean it’s hard to tell he was lovely in what was that show the mor one the middle Mor Lewis he was in Lewis he was in that and she’s the one who’s in violent shitness sorry Silent Witness violent
What I didn’t by the way I hope everyone has noticed that we come in our sheep in Scouts and they get very hot they get on a Gantry they’re less good in Bear’s front goal is D there’s millions of the goals Wigan one nil against stevenage mcginness penalty no sford away older
Shot yes I’ve got sford that’s a Neville Brothers isn’t it it’s a ners yes if they run sford yeah so that’s near where you are Martin or where you came from that is what I like to call the a56 Derby right crew versus Salford it’s basically Housewives of chesher versus
Coronation Street who wins there who would you go with there Martin if you uh had to choose sides Housewives of chest sford I was actually born in Salford so definitely yeah yeah so I would definitely go for them against uh crew it’s Mrs Stuart Hall still
Alive oh there’s a question um well she was alive when you died because I saw her the funeral were you there cuz you good friends weren you oh Stuart Hall I love that I used to broadcast with Stuart Hall yeah that what you called it what are you listen I’ll tell you what
We did I uh I used to do a show on Radio 2 yeah and I got various voic to voice Beetle songs were I got um what’s it called SE Su Paul McCartney the art critic he’s a lovely man quite quite for tell it was being a hard day night he
Would do it in a then I got Stuart Hall he used to spend a lot of time on Hammersmith underneath the bridge BR didn’t he BR sh yes but um Stuart Stuart Hall so more he was more Northwest man your territory very much looked after the Northwest was the c a
C yes he was but Stuart Hall recorded um I Am The Walrus I can’t it somewhere no if you could if you could you get it half time and maybe play it in the second half stop have scored milw have scored mil one Preston nil xan Fleming paty Madden
For Stockport it was nearly a very good day for basically greater Manchester there wasn’t it for a moment as sford scored and stockboard scored but Preston’s let the side down I’m afraid yeah very good am I right saying Martin is it is it Eddie Coleman uh the the
Great Manchester United player of your that was born in Sulfur because I think there’s an Eddie Coleman house which was very near the Airbnb I stayed in when I was um you may are you living in Airbnb now yes when you do when you do test match special taxpayers money does
Actually pay put you in in a real hotel but when you’re not doing testm Special do you all go in the same hotel or do some people get more equal than others well that’s in leads we have a we have a separation between church and state yes
Yes yes because yes but that’s another matter where does where does Vic Mark sit in that oh Flop House no Vic mck’s in with the rest of us yeah so Vic’s a very humble man but I was staying in sulfa because I was working for senen which is sports Entertainment Network in
Australia oh right and they were doing in the ashes so when I’m not on the BBC I was doing senn and senen is is as cheap as chips they pay you SLE and they put you up in an Airbnb and I discovered the Delights of Salford um I would say
It’s it’s quite eye opening for a posh [ __ ] like me sford um oh would be yeah it was one is it quite Lively it’s well it’s not like MOS side is it well there was a lot of drug dealing on my way to
The Curry House um a lot of it uh in in in playing open S very near Eddie Coleman house I think it was called it was Nikki but from around there as well yeah was who from down there we’ve gone slightly off point uh Martin who’s number three in
Wakefield number three in Whitefield well that’s me yeah I thought you were fourth you told me you’d fall off the podium now and his daughter’s third now and my da yeah it’s actually it’s his younger brother’s daughter it’s not every now every now claims it is every now and then somebody
From Wakefield um wins a reality contest and I get shunted down into fourth so if there’s you know if it’s I don’t know yorkshire’s Next Top Model or something and there’s a girl from Wakefield who wins it does that happen often I’ve walked around the streets of Whitefield
I wouldn’t have expected it but well there might be sort of super siiz models uh there’s quite a few of those there’s no program called yorkshire’s Next Top suiz Model I think there should be is do yeah another great idea I’d get to say something on that program yeah sorry
Where do you stand on Whitefield I it’s ker you can’t shut him up and he he isn’t using his Jingles no well I I don’t know whether I could play them through this I’ve got them on my I I should I should not have said that no I’m not going to try
Because I don’t um you know I D mix with would I be right in saying that that Wakefield is one of those surprising places like Halifax Huddersfield and Weatherby and you discover that they’ve actually got a theater and a thriving art scene I wouldn’t say it’s got a prison it’s one
Of the high secure prison it’s got K we’ve got a secure prison it’s a category one prison well on W field yeah and and one restaurant only one restaurant no no or it’s only one you’re allowed in that carry place you keep taking me to we never go elsewhere we
Have a world class A worldclass Art Gallery oh he was talking to me about this yeah yeah yeah the he withth gallery and it’s fantastic Gallery we have the Yorkshire Sculpture Park visit Wakefield Martin anyhow moving on eggy what was he telling me did I give you a car without a seat or
Something front seat you lent me a car owned by a Kelner the once been owned by Kelner whether it was Kelner M or Kelner s I’m not sure it’s S I think Martin doesn’t drive he’s got chauffeur so him and St had a CH young guy my car was in
Dry Dock you you you lent me this SP P how do you mean dry do was in the garage okay being mended you know what that Maiden head have scored against Sol hell Mo to Toby sh of Silvera Maiden head they’ve got a footb Toby Show Sila’s related to
O I knew that was coming my godmother lived in Maiden head so anyway this car the Kelner mobile yeah drove it away from your flat in Putney yeah put the brakes on the first set of traffic lights you had told me the driver’s seat wasn’t attached to the
Floor but I mean but it had a sck the back saying Salford rugby league club which must been the only car in South London with a Salford rugby league sticker swon swon AFC filed have scored Stockport have got another as and I’ve got them against Bramley who I haven’t I’ve also
Goty actually we should all have a look at our cards cuz we might have a few let’s see who’s ahead well my card doesn’t tell me anything well except which teams I got no one when it when they score yeah yeah they come off when they go purple that means they’ve scored
So are you seeing it here so salford’s gone purple yeah so that means they’ve scored so scored so here I am I’m three away from one line now this is a fix no shuby Solly hell Moos I need to score but they’re one nil down I want to them
To strike straight back against Maiden head what a fixture that is solal there’s a weird place when you say before you go on to Sol ding wonders dwking where’s dwking I’m glad that you mentioned Maiden head because we were talking about famous people living in Wakefield yeah but for my money the
Place that packs won have scored by the way against Halifax the the place that packs perhaps the most the most unlike TW twe punch in all twest place the twest place in Britain is Maiden head and I’ll tell you the why I don’t home of home of and I’m going to run through
A few of these yeah you got your Michael Parkinson’s you got your Wendy Craigs oh did you ever fancy Wendy Craig no never did you I eggy wants to up I I was going to give you a classic Maiden head resident yeah come on Carol Kirkwood Carol Kirkwood who is Carol Kirk she’s
The one who can’t say England she says England and Scotland what did she do weather woman she she’s a rather she’s curvy weather woman BBC breakfast but you just know you just that she goes to the pub at lunch got another Bailey own has a bottle of room temperature white
Wine and gets very aggressive so Wendy Wy Craig the most pinched actress of her generation pinched well you know P you know that pinched English they look they see you and they you know they disapprove with you and you haven’t even opened your mouth and then everything
You say everything goes down here yeah well I was going to throw another one into the mix actually yeah Hannah Gordon Martin quite excited you well you haven’t really stopped talking yet can I just say that curvy weatherwoman is one of those expressions you won’t hear anywhere else in the broadcasting
Landscape in 2024 although funny enough well last time I looked at your laptop it was your first Google search yes ciry we the woman yeah I mean it’s a perfect description but in the current climate you won’t hear it anywh promise promise has scored he’s delivered on his first name oh and
Fondo BR not yeah that’s fako buan not isn’t a character from The Doug and Dinsdale piranha sketch that that that that that is a name like like the word Kawasaki photocopier Japanese not weed you can aord accent that it works perfectly okay he the Jordy accent Jeffrey for
B Japanese not we phot copy of kagi he’s going for the accents it’s a big mistake on live anything because as soon as you lose your accent confidence you’re gone but I want to go back to we the car so the car comes off I kind of had a car
That didn’t it wasn’t attached the seat how how does that even happen yeah how’s that possible because it’s Wills it’s Will’s car so the car moved and you stay no no no I put the brake on I put the the car came to the horse and I just
Moved forward as the seat came off the floor but if you just sat purposefully down and and went along steadily you were okay or you just don’t use don’t use the breakes yeah just use the car in front easy oh Steven had just scor yeah jamy
Reed and promise Omer I want to know more about promise Omer immediately that of the oh he’s got three in a row three in a row stock for Steven and sford are you are you eggy or Jeffrey for this show I can’t we’ve had so many names
Over the years hang on if we’re doing accents please give me your best Sean connory for those three yeah stock that’s terrible even I can Martin can we hear your Sean conry rist R have scored Christin Sean conry was so bad that you know I couldn’t even match it I
Can’t I still I think there’s someone from Wakefield more famous than I think okay the Paris Olympics will’ll say the opening ceremony are no the closing ceremony is when the Wake field medals are handed out yeah what odds will you give on you medling or vice should we
Have a bet on whether you are in the top three by them no because you’re unlikely to do anything between now and then that increases your celebrity you’re stuck it’s only going one way only one way um unless it’s a Vietnamese diaspora move on mass never done any meddling um I
Mean I left that to Stuart Hall never did any myself um what I want to know is why teams I’ve got here that turned purple are Chesterfield of soort County so you’re telling me exit of scool in the middle of a Martin ker anecdote how convenient not I mean I’m just ex you’ve
Got a story about ex no I’ve got I’ve got a story here I’ve just typed into Google people from Wakefield right okay the top four the top four see if Martin can guess can we all I go Kamar first are we all going Kamar first I want I
Want I want this top four because this top four is genius right right Barbara hackworth no Malcolm X Noom Chin Chin Fair don’t tell the kill the fairy man we’re just going to call this episode homie Jin you’ve mentioned you you’ve mentioned name dropped one of them
Already um I thought you said Joe McDonald as in Country Joe person come country J McDonald very good but swendon have scored your team Charlie Austin is Charlie Austin still playing got squeaky when you’ve got 16th V 17th in League two that’s that’s a fixture to keep an
Eye anyway he supported Swindon we used to go watch Swindon we did but we would just go back to Wakefield okay so this top four to put anybody out the busy Jay McDonald’s on it Helen bendale oh yes lik her a lot straight off pod cold feet was she
She was and the other two have got something in common they’re Harold Shipman and Ian Huntley well wow to be honest Martin’s not even top six he’s not my ship’s dead isn’t he and huntley’s dead it’s Huntley dead dead and huntley’s dead are you sure had did
You kill them Martin just to get your go up and not they were no they were my neighbors only only as weight field cuz he was in our very beautiful category a prison and if you remember that you came and had a drink in in Wakefield we went that Pub
Opposite the prison I know and you played your quiz you played the quiz on your phone all night CU you’re socially insecure yeah I think you found it was it was we’ve talked about this haven’t you your trick is that you’ve made people think you’re funnier than you are
Yeah the um what we what we spotted in that pu was all the brief W have scored actually talk to their Donovan Daniels that’s a good name yeah are they are you you there to meet prisoner’s wives or so you said yes uh now this is bollocks uh
Can I say bollocks yeah well it’s interesting because there are some words you know still count as swearing even on um I’ve noticed the difference being a national broadcaster um you know still with a with a bit of lat School Bob Mills be happy and Bob Mills will be replacing
Martin ker in the next one sry to break it to you like that Martin 19 penalty for yeah uh so what was it saying I forgotten now I don’t you were doing Prisoners Wives yeah in Wakefield anyhow should we move on yeah move on I I tell what I was
Going to say is I have noticed that there’s been a a loosening of restrictions but not totally you know they’re not totally loosened you know this is in proper broadcasting uh proper broadcas is that what you call talk sport at 3: in the morning on your own uh yes broadcasting to Vietnam
Vote vote vote you can um you can say ass now which can you yeah you can’t say us yes we because we have a we have a list I mean do you have a list on talks we have this list there is a list yeah there’s only two three that you can’t
Say but everything else well can you say [ __ ] now remember see don’t don’t don’t don’t ruin my story because I was going to I was going to tell you a story one of the first times that the great ebony rain for Brent was broadcasting on testm
Special and um she L recently retired oh Jordan brow’s been sent off at Mansfield not a bing go thing but very 20 minutes that’s early go red Mansfield go that’s I’ve been there have you been to Mansfield yes I have I went there to watch AFC well Wimbledon Fest frommer
Railway station any ground in the UK tell me about it but we won we won the fourth round of the FA Cup there in 1988 yeah on our way to Glory at U at Wembley Rebecca adlington was from mansvi oh I love Rebecca adlington she was H she was
Great big fan so Emily R from we’ll talk about swimming in a minute said you know aington have scored against forest green that’s good to know cuz you bet on Far scen losing don’t you do that always always bet you don’t like the Eco or the green no no no I just I
Just I think that teams being crap are alog together more likely to stay crap stay crap than teams being good teams being good frequently draw but teams that are bad they they find ways to lose that’s my that’s my betting tip for you so anyway ways to lose that could be a
Great name for your when see ghosted biography coming out Martin finding ways to lose so the ball you okay he’s looking a bit Ball’s been it through the covers agas goes hit through the covers before every R for Brent goes yeah he properly twatted that someone’s won someone’s got a line
In match Bingo it’s not us let me tell you who it is yeah is it the bear no that py py 49 py 49 well done py 49 yeah py spelled p S four e four E I was going to spell it with a Y py Ken yeah you
Know of course famous Patsy paty hon paty kenit but now you mentioned paty kenit what was she earliest most famous for Martin will know this earliest most famous I mean not being married to one of our before that before that sat a I think she was only nine she was only
Nine when she she first rose the pro oh yeah advert well we’re children no no it was the advert and what was he advert for uh cream eggs no no Martin can get this or maybe you can get eggy come on eggy eggy but I just going to say for
Someone who’s been criticized for accents her South African one in Lethal Weapon 2 was quite the worst accent ever oh if she still acting diplomatic act really no it was it was the peas I but it’s Garden peas fresh as the day they go fresh as the day they go I thought
It nice C snap crack cracking and pop well there was a very famous lawsuit about it of course was there no okay there wasn’t a show with Poppin I want to say you could not even give me a paring ticket that’s terrible diplomatic immunity um what’s going on be Spartans
FC they’re Scottish team called Spartans FC what’s going on over they got beat by Hearts last week did they the Scottish on [ __ ] you know I occasionally dabble in the law yeah yeah occasionally end up in court not on purpose defending people not myself yeah
I got a de man he was sacked from HSBC for using the word [ __ ] really I think it was HS how did he say it did he say it very clearly yes he said it quite loud yeah but I can’t remember my like Emma Nicholson he was
Sacked was he he’s de not mute yeah obviously cuz he said TW he didn’t sign it then no but he had a bad day and I got him off he was he was PID constructed yeah but it was on page seven of the Sun there’s no way you
Should be sacked for saying [ __ ] indeed em ebony R for Brent who had said [ __ ] but when was then she was then confronted by the producer when she came up said EV did did you just say [ __ ] she said no no absolutely not well she didn’t she said [ __ ] head yes that
Reminds me of my argument with you with one of your co- commentators so we may not go there hello Martin did you have hear something from a instead yeah but I think the the broadcasting view on [ __ ] is it’s okaying of equalized Harvey nibs that’s a good name it’s okay as a verb
But not as a noun is Right her use of it as really twatted the ball that’s fine but if you say someone is a [ __ ] it’s um it’s sort of veiled reference to um female Pender yeah yeah the okay okay little one for you Northerners are you
What are you talking about today turn I’m getting some research from the intern yeah what’s the nearest ground to the river Mery not the riv Park no wrong wrong got be wrong wrong we City oh hang on stop counil correct well done Martin K goes one nil
Up thank you that’s the the source of the emercy isn’t it yeah well good for you oh Donovan Daniels it’s Captain Mercy Mercy square is the main Square in Stockport coester has scored get it sorry stock Stock’s one of those places got an art gallery has it not only has
It got an art gallery it is the home of oh Harvey nibs has got 12 gos this season go Harvey that’s not bad he might get a transfer from reding Harvey lives that’s that’s quite a posh sounding name isn’t it it is quite well you know what I mean Harvey nib nibs
Could be you don’t get many toes on nibs could be East End as well the nibs Gare nib the nib I suppose a k nib did me a k silent k silent k suggests a certain poery to me yeah okay cult do you want to give you a bit of
Celebrity Stockport news with we done celebrity U well as you mentioned goggle box earlier on uh Craig cash the voice for goggle box lives in stockall in lead okay someone who’s just scored yeah 1913 the club had Sor what I didn’t miss I’m trying to get some stats out here
You know what football team have just scored I’ve given it away there had a successful tour of Italy in 1913 prompting leading Sports newspaper ker deera to write without doubt reading FC are the finest foreign team seen in Italy would it be reading read just helping you there you see but
That would have been that would only been a couple of years after if we want to go back to Accents of course B Bishop walkand because Bishop Orland were the winners of the first World Cup it was West ockland sorry West Bugger I get me Oakland mix up my
Daughter teaches in Bishop ockland which is a quite a task I tell you um but um English she teaches that’s that’s a Triumph of Hope over but in as you drive through West ockland there’s a there’s a superb statue going back to the Statue thing of
Chin Mi ho in New Haven in in in West ockland there a statue of a a miner with a Davy lamp slide tackling some very oily Italian Juventus player well because Dennis Waterman and um and that fellow from Al vay pet the little short one oh he went on kicked on and became
Quite F could Dennis wman act do we think I think that lengthy silence tells you that the jury remains out I think the jury is coming straight back in CU it’s quite obvious no talking about I think the same pet Dennis W can he can you act Martin Dennis wman no of course
You can’t it’s not the point is he’s not there to act their point talk B exist the lired guy in Martin’s talking take a yeah yeah you do that oh look he’s he’s going this is great we can have bit of we can actually hear you so can we swear
Now that Wills yeah definitely not that Wills P I have some more wine though yeah so sorry yeah the long guy the long haad guy Al with his a a guy called Gary Halton that’s right yeah yeah who was a great guy I had him as a as a guest on a
Late night show I was doing one time and he was always on the point of uh of swearing and he was he was very much of a punk guy and he did a version a sort of punk version of Ruby Don’t Take Your Love to town which he did in that sort
Of Punky cotney style so it was in Ruby Don’t Take Your Love to town and uh he was it was a minor hit sort of got in the bottom end of the top 40 but he was a fantastic character died quite young um but he was he was the cottony if you
Remember a I do really think back yeah he he was the cotney guy you know Jack lad in that in that program he was the he was the sex symbol he was wasn’t he yeah he was he was the sex symbol he was the sex he was sort of rivaled his
Contemporaries of the time people like Tony nolles and Jimmy white to that’s a great shout because especially since we’re talking Jimmy white um he of course is the most famous person to come out of tooting which is where I’m from and just as Will’s not in the room now
Buggery just come back sorry just there a b you peed already I was going to say you got firmer prostate than I was imagining I was going to say that’s impressive with going up taking a PE break and you’re back in 20 seconds I’ve there for 25 minutes I take a booking
With me as as as we’re in syum which is just around the corner from Crystal Palace will and I attended the semi-final of the Hoffmeister World Snooker doubles in 1983 dou and it was um Davis and moo against white and nuls oh that’s weird cuz white used to play with moo quite a
Lot later on yeah this was Davis and me white and NS and will and I hold the esteemed of being shushed by referee Len Ganley for laughing at Tony no’s hair Tony’s Hair was something yeah we can’t hear you of course cuz you’re just talking I sort of gone off mic all my
Life in some ways go and have a pee very much so maybe my book would be called off mic well actually it’s funny you should mention peeing because uh was it well you see who was it who said was it Winston Churchill who advised people to
Drink or was it was it him or was it Clement atly who advised speakers to um drink as much as possible and feel the need to pee because it will give their speech greater urgency yeah I’ve heard that there was an American DJ uh it might have been Howard Stern who’s one
Of their you know really um well-known DJs who said don’t ever take a drink don’t ever go and have a pee before you go on air when you get on air it just give you you know you’re a bit sharper but you could but I mean you don’t want
To go too close to it do you well Richard famously did didn’t he because he he sunk a bottle of whiskey before doing a performance of Hamlet which is as we all know a painfully and ridiculously Long play and um quite a big main part his blood a burst and
Literally yeah and he had to be treated for sepsis seriously sepsis is no fun yeah he survived B dwking have scored dwking have scored I’ve got D scor and bolt have scored and Fleet would have score oh I’ve got Bolton Zachary Zachary Ash what’s is Zachary doing playing for Bolton
I’ve got none of these teams on my gu yeah we sort of can arrange things I’m absolutely I’m I’m I’m I’m in it now look I’ve got I’ve got three in the middle line two in the top line and one in the bottom line it’s a work of art it
Looks lovely look at that doesn’t it is it is that United or city oh I think it oh it’s a good point I’ve got Oxford but it looks like it’s United cuz it’s yellow and black of course famously owned by Robert Maxwell wen’t they can I
Just go back to the peeing story yes please do you think when Jeff Goldblum made a guest appearance on friend never watch they used no one likes to show off will um they used the the desperately needing a p the Joey triani character and they thought Burton Shakespeare triani triani triani all
These people that get better when they need to pee whereas will needs to pee but refuses yeah okay I’ve always you know because you’ve known me for a long time that blad well let’s not go there what he say let’s go back to Crystal got the cigar out you got the cigar out
You do you want to show it to the people on the on the screen back home I they can see it yeah I’ve given up smoking I can tell cigarettes and I just get part it’s more expensive we’ll go on that but Jeffrey can you remember we at Crystal
What were we drink hme was was it hofm that’s the only longer available the bear the bear was in the fire our creative consultant came up with the advert for the Hofmeister bear it was her idea name of her name well she was no the bear I don’t know what the bear
Was called funny it was called George George aling have scored by the way do you do you know why our producer the esteemed Nigel Walker who is a man you know why he’s called the bear cuz he looks like one I thought cuz he looks like the Hofmeister bear can he do the
Walk we’ll find out at half time can we yeah we can get him in we need to get him a little p pie hat as well yeah so M but off Meister wasn’t absolutely pissy lger though wasn’t it I mean have you drunk new Hofmeister no has it got
Better well they’ve got the original Hoffmeister what they used to do is water it’s a bit like Barry at the dart so water like tram at grimby robor it’s a bit like toast and who’s going to have the name most like a toast a Jan Pluff
Client you know the names of the clients strawberry cupcake is it strawberry cupcake no strawberry wrath bone oh there’s so many good ones yeah Randy B Gartner yes yeah have you watched toast Martin probably a bit near the bone I can tell you I tell you a bit about
Cigars though just you just uh one up uh I was watching a documentary about Jack Stewart It’s timeline quite heavy on your hands in Wakefield it’s what yes it does so I’m watching this uh well I finished watching Tipping Point so I’m watching this documentary no one watches
Tipping he gets quite handsy the host there I saw him really embarrassed um Shepherd what’s he called shepher his first name um the shepherd isn’t that Ben Ben Ben Ben is thatp Ben shepher yeah sorry yeah pressing score do they do celebrity Tipping Point you’d be good on
That yeah well I think they do it’s funny you say that but um my kids did because I’m a big fan of pointless as well my kids said you should go on pointless if they ever do a beist celebrity pointless you could get on it
I think be’s a bit High I think we’re talking I think we’re talking J Martin Martin let’s do it together CU I’m desperate to get on that because my podcast co-host Toby tarant has been on Bloody celebrity pointless twice and Richard osman’s House of games now no
One knows Toby how did Toby you and I would absolutely nail it on pointless I would win House of games easy they’re rubbish at those games they’re so thick well they always have to have one slightly intelligent comedian and then three diwi and can we go back to Jeffrey
And I at Crystal Palace remember we got there yeah and it it wasn’t exactly a packed crowd is anyone else hearing crowd noise in the in that I am yeah yeah but it wasn’t exactly Pat was and they say they caral us all together yeah and I don’t knowas I don’t know whether
You or me said first of all Tony Tony no’s hair was just not moving was it and that was when he was on the front page of the news of the world more weekends than most for being legendary shagger he he was the Ambassador or front man for
Some hair care product that that you sprayed on your hair right um and stopped it moving because so when so when Tony from Bolton scored another comes from talking so his quiff or his but just didn’t drop the front of his eyes his head was literally it’s like a bouto player his ha
But can I Daniel can I just finish cuz I want to finish this with Jeff it’s quite interesting yeah cuz snooker will be the judge of that it’s very shy everyone’s very quiet there I mean it’s silent it’s rever entance it’s like a church so Barry’s invented Barry hn invented two
Sports really darts which is panto and Mayhem and like a sort of Bal I don’t know some 15th Century Village party where they get to the big and snooker which is sort of almost like being the except have you noticed they’ve got this new tournament have you seen this Martin
The speed Nuka where they’re allowed to wear jeans and Shawn Murphy hit a 147 in it the other day and and one of the great um Innovations is that the crowd are allowed to behave like human being I think they should have tennis too why shouldn’t crowds behave and and for the
Very good reason that if you were listening in and you if you go back and watch that 147 when Murphy needs a very difficult Brown to clear up right yeah okay Brown and he’s bending over and he’s got to do it quite quickly and he’s
On the rest you can just hear this voice go don’t bottle it Sean you you f actually you come up with the secret thing remember my grand because you lived with us for a while Jeffrey didn’t you when I don’t know why you moved in but you did um my gr who lived
To 95 smoked 40 to 60 more breeds a day she was never happier than and while she drank whiskey than watching the snooker cuz what she liked was A well-dressed man and I black tied type thing yeah leaning over the Green Bays with their ass on show well Tony we’re not going
There egy I know what you’re going to talk about Tony NOS was famously from Bolton was he he was actually and and the two greatest distinction to me of Tony nolles were aside from you know having testic don’t know but he beat Steve Davis in the 1982 first round 10 frames
To one 101 10 the Nugget couldn’t believe it and that shot him because in those days the ranking system was so poor that he went from an unseeded player to number three in the world by the end of that tournament so it’s like Martin like Luke
Ller the sneering I had a CH so I was very lucky to be Barry’s guest of honor at the darts in between Christmas and New Year was that fun was it fun I can’t tell you the whole anecdote because it takes 15 minutes but I did say to
Barry look that Luke little Barry yeah he’s 36 if he’s a day yeah and Barry says Bingo he calls me bingo that’s that’s my business name yeah he goes Binger Binger I promise you I’ve seen his passport you I saw him I thought
He’s he’s not 16 so I had to have a look at the pass it’s kosher I promise you it’s kosher yeah but that said he did start shaving aged eight but I don’t it’s it’s the layers on his beer B you don’t get layer I mean
In in East Ming everyone had a layer beard maybe comes from Kent I don’t know where he’s from but no one knows from s Helens is he do you know him are the H or War Warrington do you think everybody in the north knows each other will they
All they do they say hello to each other we’re all in houses boring a coup drugs all the time but so so back to Crystal Palace there was a wonderful thing about Luke ller there was a there was a BL on Twitter I can’t remember he what he went
He went I’ve taken my kids to evening training early morning training sitting through mud rain sleep hours of on the bus and the motorway taking them to sport L’s dad took him to the pub yeah he he’s spot on isn’t he I mean that’s good parenting right there
When at what age did he take him there first cuz he’s quite short he’s a bit like jockey Wilson he’s almost throwing up hill but but when when when when I was a peak Pub going the whole thing was your Peak Pub going you didn’t go anywhere else you lived in it yeah
That’s Peak East Ming that Pub P of queen or P of w no Square in front of the ladies G barbion anyone whole winter doing that I was going to tell a story no do tell a story so the thing is that the the good Pub
Parents M always sit there and say to the kids when they pick up the dart o no you’re not you’re not throwing a dart in here because when people start throwing darts randomly round the P it means trouble but would you prefer Dart or Bard bar Billard
Ball Bar B B tend to get dropped into socks in the maidon area they will be tonight having beat nip switch be an incident there were two great pubs in maidon both of which closed out one because the Lord murdered the land lady and the other one got bought by a
Developer but they would how did he murder with a I don’t they would there was the fortune of War and the Saxon Chief two very tame names and they were the fortune of War they were 20 minutes apart and at knockout time it was a 10-minute stroll
For each Cleon T to meet in Mason Town Center with a with a sock full of bar billions blls who won to let fly who won the fortune award that had a downhill walk into action what was that battle of Stanford Bridge or Hastings one of them were up it was
Always important to be uphill wasn’t it in medieval B you fire your arrows down they go farther it’s like it’s like a three IR goes farther downhill farther yeah it’s the power of gravity isn’t it but I I have a basic rule of thumb when it comes to pubs which is that if
They’re called any name of a place plus Tavern don’t go in oh I don’t the the Grimsby Tavern the railway Tav the railway Tavern station any and they’re all Dreadful I mean frightening actually must be one good Tav we must have G to a good that’s
Also the rule of French hotels NE never stay never stay near a hotel it’s called Terminus no I bet yeah but we used to stay in the station itself cut out the middleman anyhow back in Crystal Palace we’ve been and once you start laughing at the snooker you can get kicked out
But Glen GLE Glen G A Dangerous Man yeah yeah can you remember the lyrics how you remember everything the Half Man Half Biscuit song Len Ganley everyone’s doing the Len Ganley stance was the song yeah and can you do the lyrics no but I could do the lyrics to When It’s Christmas out
In hoochi Min City can you from Rock Mar get so exced combat Rock by the class candy let’s hear them the line said when it’s Christmas out in hoochi Min City there’s something about your sh but remember it ain’t Coca-Cola it’s right kid U straight to hell was the song yeah
Mentions choim Min Chim Min now was that when he was working the fairies or when he was no no cuz he F’s 56 you told me that sorry A Clash yeah I don’t think he left his high-profile job as leader of the Viet to go Sky Sports
News not news Sky Sports News she quite an elfing young lady I’d say with a lilac jacket on I like the jacket I Sly covered the jacket yeah and the hair this is the new Jeff Stelling yes he’s very Earnest there’s a lot of he’s got
Tony no’s hair hasn’t he he has Martin you’re you’re big football man and and I’m surrounded by other big football men is it foron burer the single most performatively Earnest sport in the world because I don’t think I can think of a thort and you know bear in mind I I
Do a lot of cricket and people are forever talking about the spirit of cricket but I don’t think I’ve I’ve ever come across a sport that actually attempts to go through the entire syllabus for Oxford University’s moral philosophy on a literally weekly basis so they the pundits can spend 15 minutes
On the moral righteousness of diving in the box if you’re getting paid half a million pounds a week so you actually I think it’s become that way I think that’s I think that’s a new development half time to come out which means Martin will you might we could get a John sit
And type um half times yeah crew have scored against sford Aon row sorry Martin you were saying well I know I was just saying that it’s it’s a recent development you know that uh if you’ve been to see dear England you know the play with about Gareth Southgate you
Went to the theater Martin that’s off brand no I went to the cinema to see National Theater live that’s cheap where they yeah I know but they I missed out on it when it was in London but they they uh they they show it in theaters
All over the place so I did see Joseph fe’s performance and uh what’s her name Gina mck you seen it egy haven’t you I went to the National theater and saw it yeah it’s very good it’s very good yeah it’s if you see all all that stuff Gina m you know clavers
Yeah Gina mck you remember Gina mck did you mention yes she she went out wither gray ow what’s happened to got cramp in my right off that so that’s what we got watching Tony NOS cuz once you start laughing you then have to put your fist in you know when you’re laughing
Inappropriately yes once you start you can’t stop and his hair didn’t move so the joke kept going on we weren’t banned by Len gandley were it was it was double snooker didn’t take off rizer 98 has claimed 50 Quid F oh so I meant listen just just for Martin
Finishes his story um I I B I’m I I I’m not finishing any story today I haven’t finished one but I’m on your side I want you to I I really want you to I I can see your storytelling uphill into the wind at the moment oh it’s pointless the
Jackie Stewart documentary pointless you keep mentioning pointless you about being on pointless do you like Alexander Armstrong Richard Osman that much you wouldn’t be that good either I don’t think are you good at pointless who are you saying is not going to be that good you yeah yeah yeah you the one dreaming
Of being on pointless oh no you are too Dan well I want to be on with Martin I think we’d both be excellent together I think so too I think you I don’t know you want to have comp uncomplimentary skills we have some uncomplimentary skills I mean I can’t possibly match the
Breadth of knowledge of of Martin but I mean I could be I could be helpful in certain areas that with heavy armage coming in there wellan look he probably is very knowledable just so far he’s only got As far as Jackie Stewart has never got to the end of it I really want
To hear I’m desperate I want to know okay let’s have it okay let’s Mar you have the floor yeah I just thought it was quite interesting for such terminal Nostalgia taking you into hard time Martin K there will be a break yeah thank you uh oh do we get a break thank
God for that I can go up so uh yeah this Jackie Stewart documentary he as you may uh know if you’re old enough he used to spend a lot of time on boac going all over the especially flying to America you know he covered uh
Uh he covered sort of Indie 500 and all that sort of stuff over there uh for uh ABC um but so there was several shots of boac planes you know the ones that used to crash quite a lot uh taking off with Jackie stew on them and there was a a
Tremendously Posh announcement which said and this would have been just about the plane got in the air and it said yeah it said oh I’ve got them that’s ignore him yes okay it said ladies and gentlemen you may now smoke and I thought those are the days and then she
Said cigarettes only please that that was the the not to health and safety was the one thing you weren’t allowed to do was or or a pipe people used to smoke pipes in those days a crack was right out was it unless you’re will self on
The on the the John maor’s plane of course yeah I don’t I don’t know if he even got a verbal warning for that oh AFC wimon have scored and am over the moon it’s Omar Omar bugil bu I can do a Jackie Stewart story yeah okay yeah let’s take good
Luck doesn’t mention will self Morris Hamilton yes our esteemed colleague from The Observer was writing the biography of Ken Turrell for whom Jackie Stewart drove and he went to interview Jackie Stewart on the Stewart estate in can I ask one question before you TR which cigarette packet were they meant to be
JPS they were elf they were petrol French petrol company so not not fogging [ __ ] no no not at the time anyway so that’s not in a petrol station no I’m going to keep going I’m going to keep going put your microphone down and shut it okay so uh Morris goes to interview
Him tape is running chatting away been talking for about an hour Morris says rather like you should do I’m just going to go for a p s Jackie can you tell me where it is and Jackie says it’s down the corridor second door on the right Morris comes back continues the
Interview gets home since it’s all fresh in my mind I’m going to transcribe it now so he sits down Jackie is talking the tape in his ear he is typing away and it gets to the point where it says Jackie I need to do a pee can you show
Me where the L are and he say it’s just down the corridor on the date there he did yeah like that so very good very good like was in the room then he hears then he hears Jackie St say boss come here boss come to Daddy come to Daddy and there’s
This truffling sound like and then give me a kiss no on the lips boss on the lips and it was his yor terer and on that BM show swind have got another da Divine but let’s all talk Jackie St for more anecdotes of that caliber and for Less from me join us
After the break for more Bing go action who’s going to win the full house today uh all in support of the stroke Association thank you for watching listening or well just keeping it somewhere on your laptop see you in 15 minutes bye See Come What
