Tente Não Rir: O Melhor do Humor e Piadas em Vídeos Engraçados. Coletânea #13.

Tente Não Rir: O Melhor do Humor e Piadas em Vídeos Engraçados. Coletânea #13.

These are pocket jokes to make you laugh. These are pocket jokes where good humor will flow. These are pocket jokes, you can’t resist. Press play now and let the comedy invade. A guy was at the back of the bar, sad, devastated, with a glass of drink, when an angry guy comes in, breaking everything, yelling at everyone. The guy goes to the guy’s table, takes the glass, and drinks half of the drink, then throws the rest in his face. Say something, dog. The guy replies: “Today is my unlucky day. First thing this morning I overslept because the power went out and I had to go down 15 flights of stairs. I was leaving the garage and my car had a flat tire. I wasted half an hour changing the tire. I left in a hurry and ended up crashing my car into a pole. I was very late for work. I argued with my boss and was fired . Because of that, I got home much earlier and caught my wife in bed with a lover. Then I lost my temper right away. I went to hit the guy and ended up getting beaten up badly. I went to take a shower and got an [__] electric shock. And to put an end to my day, I’m here, preparing to commit suicide. Some idiot comes along and drinks my entire glass of poison. The guy worked hard all day, he’s sweaty, dressed in his suit and tie. He was walking home and sees a country bumpkin lying in a hammock with a capi in the corner of his mouth, on a whim. A guy doesn’t resists and says: “Did you know that laziness is one of the seven deadly sins?” The country boy, without even moving, passes the grass to the other side of his mouth and answers: “Look, envy is too.” Joãozinho’s mother was with her friends in the living room of her house when the boy comes in and shouts: “Mom! I want to pee!” The mother, very embarrassed, takes her son to the bathroom and says: “Joãozinho, that’s not how you ask to go to the bathroom, is it? When you want to pee, say you want to pee, okay?” Over the weekend , Johnny went to his grandparents’ house and woke up in the middle of the night and said to his grandfather: “Grandpa, I want to go upstairs. But Johnny, it’s already very late, you’re going to wake your grandmother. But Grandpa, I need to go upstairs. Okay then, Johnny. Come up here in my ear.” [Music] Two friends had gotten married and met inside the supermarket. They started talking and forgot about time. After chatting for a long time, they realized they had lost their wives and needed to find them. One of the friends then asked: “What’s your wife like?” The other replied: “She’s blonde, very long hair, a prominent butt, big breasts, and she’s wearing a very short miniskirt with a tight, low-cut top. And what about yours? Never mind, let’s go find yours.” In heaven, Saint Peter says, “Okay, everyone, let’s organize the entrance here in two lines. You men who have always dominated your women, line up here on the left. Now, the men who have always been dominated by your women, line up on the right.” After much confusion, finally all the men were lined up. The line of men dominated by their women was over 2 kilometers long. And the line of men who dominated their women had only one man. Saint Peter then says, “You should be ashamed. God created you in his image, and you allowed yourselves to be dominated by your women. Only one of you honored your masculine condition and made God proud of his work. Learn from him.” Saint Peter turns to the lone man in line and says, “Tell all these men how you managed to be the only one in this line?” Hey, hey, look, Saint Peter, I’m not sure, but it was my wife who told me to stay here. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked like yet, take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. I owe so many people, and also the bank, that if I call my wife “honey,” the bank will take me. The guy arrives at work completely drunk. The boss then takes him aside and gives him a serious scolding. Hey, Pessanha, that’s not okay, is it? You can’t come to work in this state. Are you firing me from the company? No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just that you’re falling down drunk. Oh, but the optician told you to, okay? The optician said: “You’re crazy, “Pessanha?” Yes, it was. “Want to see?” He then takes a crumpled prescription from his pocket and says, “Look, you can read what’s written under the doctor’s scrawl. Take this three times a day.” Two men were climbing a huge mountain, until one of them fell and fell. Since they had a radio to communicate, the one who stayed on the mountain called the one who fell and said, “Are you okay, friend? Did you break anything?” The one who fell replied, “I’m fine. I didn’t break anything. That’s good! Why didn’t you climb back up, then? It’s because I’m still falling.” Two country guys were fishing in a river by the roadside. Near their fishing spot, they put up a sign in the road that read, “The end is near. Change course before it’s too late.” A driver passing by yelled at the two, “Don’t bother me, you hicks. You don’t know what you’re talking about. What nonsense is this?” A short time later, they both heard a very loud noise. One of the friends said to the other, “I was just thinking, ‘Or don’t you think it would be kind of like if we just wrote ‘broken bridge’ in front of it?’ [Music] Cinnamon is the body’s device used to find objects in the dark. I’m not kidding. I was just imagining what life must be like for a blind person at home. A woman convinces her husband to go see an opera at the city’s municipal theater. So they go, the show starts, and a few minutes after it started, he feels an elbow. It was his wife who says, “Osvaldo, look how awful! The guy in front of us fell asleep in the chair. ” The husband replies: [Music] “And you woke me up just to tell me this? Two country brothers were in the fields weeding under the hot sun, when suddenly on the farm road a very nice car breaks down and a beautiful woman gets out. She goes up to the country men and asks: “Do you gentlemen know where there’s a hotel around here where I can spend the night? My car broke down and I need to spend the night here. Tomorrow I’ll try to find a mechanic in town.” One of the country men then says: “Look, lady, we don’t have any of that kind of hotel around here, no.” The other man, who was very smart, quickly turned to the woman and said: “Look, lady, it’s okay. We have a little house very close by. It’s Mirde, but it’s enough for the three of us to sleep. Tomorrow you can fix your car and leave.” The woman, without many options, accepted the invitation and went to sleep at the hillbillies’ house. One hillbilly slept in one of the bedrooms, the other slept in the living room, and the woman slept in another room. In the early morning, the woman got up and went to the hillbilly, who was sleeping in the living room, and had sex with him. Then she went to the other room and had sex with another hillbilly again. The next day she left very grateful. A few months passed and the two hillbillies remembered the woman they asked for help and said to each other: “You know, bro, I didn’t want to tell you, but I’ll tell you, she had sex with me.” Really, bro? Since you’re talking to me too. She even told me to use a condom that afternoon I didn’t get sick. And you got sick, bro? No, I didn’t, but I’m going to use a condom this afternoon, it’s already bothering me too much. Two effeminate guys were talking when one looked at the other’s boot and said, “Wow, what a beautiful boot! What are they made of?” The other guy then replied, “It’s made of cow leather.” But hurry up, the other said, “Wow, then kick my ass.” One day, Johnny was playing soccer when he accidentally broke the neighbor’s window. His mother saw it and said, “Johnny, you’re going to be grounded in your room without leaving. Okay, Mommy.” She then locked the bedroom door and window so he couldn’t leave under any circumstances and then left for work. At the end of the day, his father and mother returned home and saw him playing soccer on the porch. She went over to him and asked, “Johnny, how did you get out of your room?” “Through the hole in the ceiling.” Frightened by her son’s response, she goes with her husband to his room and comes across a hole in the ceiling. They despair and begin filling the hole. Just then, the doorbell rings and Joãozinho goes to answer. It was the neighbor who asks: “Where’s your father, Joãozinho?” He’s upstairs with my mother filling the hole where I came out. Two crazy people were released from the asylum and, since they had a lot of money, said to each other: “Gaspar, we have to invest in something that will make us a lot of money.” So Gaspar said: “Shall we buy a taxi?” Yes, Gaspar, what a brilliant idea you had. After 60 days, they hadn’t picked up a single passenger. So Gaspar said, “Let’s find another deal, because so far we’ve only lost money on gas and haven’t picked up any passengers.” They were working together. Newsworthy. Good, your wife is pregnant. Bad, she’s shaking. Worse, you had a vasectomy last year and didn’t tell her. Good. Your wife doesn’t talk to you anymore. Bad, she wants a divorce. Worse, she’s a lawyer. Terrible. She’s having an affair with the judge. Good. Your son spends a lot of time locked in his room studying. Bad. You find several pornographic tapes under his bed. Worse, you and your wife appear in most of the tapes. Terrible. In some tapes, your wife appears and you don’t. Good. Your daughter got her first bad job as a massage therapist in those places that do everything. You know what’s worse? Your soccer buddies are becoming her clients. Terrible. She’s making 10 times more than you and said she’ll renovate the house and give you a new car. Good. You found a hot babe to Chatting. It started with erotica, moved on to filth, and ended in pure pornography. Bad. Unable to take it anymore, you decide to reveal your identity. She replies that she knows you and that it won’t work, and that you’re nothing but a scoundrel. Your mother-in-law was worse. Good. The company is going to raise the employees’ salaries. Bad. The raise will only be possible through the dismissal of some of the staff. Worse, you’re one of those who will be fired. Terrible for just cause, because they discovered that your diploma is fake and the course you took isn’t legally recognized. Good. You found the phone number of that super hottie you used to sleep with like crazy. Bad? You call her and they tell her she’s hospitalized. Terrible. You find out that she died. Worse, I gave her aides. A drunkard gets on the bus and sits next to a nun who was distracting herself with a crossword puzzle. She sees the drunkard who doesn’t take her eyes off the book and says teasingly: “Oh, it’s ugly and on top of that it smells bad.” Unbearable. The drunk looks at the nun, looks at the book, and says, “Look, if it has five letters, it’s fio or fó. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger who hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. A guy walks into a bar and says to the clerk, “Pour me a pinga, and pour one for everyone here and one for you, okay?” The clerk thinks the guy’s attitude is cool and pours cachaça for everyone in the bar. When it’s time to pay for the cachaças, the guy says he doesn’t have any money and gets yelled at by the clerk. The next day, the same guy goes back to the same bar and makes the same order as the day before. Pour me a pinga, one for all the customers here, okay? And you can pour one for yourself too. The clerk then thought that after the guy’s beating the day before, there was no way he wouldn’t pay him again. Once again, when it was time to pay, the guy was broke and got beaten up again by the clerk. The next day, the same guy, completely broken from being beaten up by the clerk, returned to the same bar, went up to the counter, and said, “Give me a shot, one for everyone here, except you. When you drink, you get very violent.” One day, Zé and Tião went fishing and decided to rent a canoe. So, they took the canoe, put it in the river, and went fishing. They kept going until they stopped in one spot and couldn’t catch anything. They paddled again to another spot, and Zé started catching a lot of fish. He then said to Tião, “Tião, mark your spot because we’ll come back here tomorrow, okay?” Tião So he marked the spot so they could return the next day. When they were returning, Zé asked Tião if he had marked the spot, and he said: “Yes, I did, right at the tip of the cane.” Zé then turns to Tião and says: “You’re really stupid, aren’t you, Tião? What if tomorrow they give us another canua?” There were three guys on a plane, one of whom was a bit of a fool. The plane was going down and they had to save themselves. The two smartest guys jumped with parachutes, but the fool couldn’t get his to work. He gets desperate and when he looks at the ground of the plane, sees a little jar, runs the control through his hair and jumps with the parachute. He falls from above and crashes down there. Curious, the men who were down there went to see why he had jumped with his parachute. Then they saw the jar in his hand, picked it up and read: “Cream for hair breakage.” After a whole day of hiking, a hunter and his guide finally reach the peak of a very high mountain. They set up camp and that night, around a campfire they made, they talk. I was thinking, Bernardo, you’re a great guide and you give me a lot of I’m confident, but I was thinking about something late. If I were to have an accident or get sick, how would you get me back to town? Have you thought about that? I weigh almost 100 kg. I don’t see any problem, boss. Did you know that last year I descended this mountain alone, carrying on my back a wild boar weighing almost 240 kg? 240 kg alone. How did you do that, Bernardo? Well, I had to make about 10 trips. A car executive’s secretary notices that he had his fly open in a meeting and, all embarrassed, tries to warn him: “Doctor, you left your garage door open.” He quickly zipped his fly and said mischievously, “Have you seen my red Ferrari?” “No, sir. All I saw was a faded red Beetle with both front tires completely flat. ” A very jealous guy asks his girlfriend who has just left the doctor’s office. He asks: “What were you feeling?” “Yes, dear,” he asked. “Did he mention your mouth?” “Oh, yes, dear. He did.” “Did he mention your breasts?” “Of course he did.” “And did he mention your legs?” Oh, yes, he did. And your ass. He said, “Oh, he didn’t mention you at all.” Guilamino arrived at work with both ears taped shut. His coworkers asked, “What was that, Guilamino?” I was watching football and my wife was ironing next to me. Just then, the phone rang, and I was so engrossed in the game that I mistook the iron for the phone. His coworkers laughed and asked, “What about the other ear?” Yeah, right. As soon as I hung up, the phone rang again. [Music] The boy was playing with a stuffed balloon when it fell into the toilet. Disgusted to pick it up, the kid left the balloon there and stopped playing. Shortly after, the boy’s father entered the bathroom, ready to take a dump. Cell phone in hand, he doesn’t realize there’s a bladder inside the throne and sits down. He then begins his work, and while browsing his phone, he starts flushing the shit. Some time later, the man gets up and sees the toilet filled to the brim with shit, and he’s startled. “Oh my God, I shit so much. How much shit is in here?” Stunned, he calls his doctor and explains the situation. The doctor says he’ll go to the man’s house to discuss the situation live. Once there, the doctor is taken to see the whole mess. He also gets scared and says: “Good grief, but the shit covered the entire toilet. It must have gotten all over your ass. No jokes, please, doctor. I’m desperate. Can you tell me what I have? I still don’t know. I need to order a feces test to see.” The doctor takes a spatula from his bag to collect some feces, but as soon as he touches the shit, the thing explodes and the shit flies everywhere. The doctor looks at the man, both covered in shit, and says: “Honestly, I’ve seen a lot in my life, But I’d never seen a fart with a crust. A very wealthy lady went every year to the city’s nursing home. She chose a ward to visit and chatted with the patients . That year, Ward C was chosen, and there was a huge corridor with about 50 beds. The woman started with the bed closest to the door and asked, “What’s your name, sir?” José da Silva. “Madam, what’s your illness, Mr. José?” “I have hemorrhoids,” the old man replied. “And what’s your treatment? Strokes of mercury.” “What’s your greatest wish, Mr. José?” “To be cured soon, madam.” She then greeted the patient and moved on to the second bed, where the same conversation took place with another old man: his name, illness, and treatment. Coincidentally, except for the name, the answers matched. They all had hemorrhoids and were all treated with strokes of mercury. She was tired of hearing so much, but she continued on to the remaining beds. Until, in the last bed, there was an old man who changed everything. What’s your name? Nivaldo Constantino. And what’s your illness, Mr. Nivaldo? My tonsils are inflamed, ma’am. What’s your treatment? Mercury brush strokes. And what would be your greatest wish? I wanted a brush all to myself. [Music] A couple arrives on their honeymoon, locks themselves in the bedroom, and the bride says, “Honey, I have something to tell you. Tell me, Honey. Do you know why I wanted to get married a virgin? It was because I’m embarrassed by my breasts. They’re too small. But, honey, I don’t care about that. Since you brought it up, I have something to confess to you too. What is it, honey? Do you know why I never asked you before the wedding? I don’t know. Why? It’s because of the size of my bingo. He’s like a newborn. He’s tiny. No, honey. He’s about 50 cm long and weighs about 4 kg. Hey, you there? Yes. You with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. Johnny, Pedrinho, and Juquinha and Pedro were betting on who had the best memory. Pedro then said, “I can perfectly remember the time my mother breastfed me. If I close my eyes, I can feel the warmth of her breast. ” Juquinha quickly said, “That’s nothing. I already remember the day I was born. It was a very dark tunnel, and the doctor pulled me out by my legs.” Joãozinho, not to be outdone, said, “But that’s nothing, guys. I remember going on a picnic with my father and coming back with my mother. A guy was unemployed and got a job at a construction company. One day, his boss called him and said, “Can you go and measure the length of that pole in the yard?” A few minutes later, there was the guy with wrenches, hammers, and a pickaxe trying to pull the pole out of the ground. A colleague saw it, went up to him, and said, “Why don’t you use a ladder?” The guy shakes his head and says, “Then they’ll say I’m stupid. He told them to measure the length, not the height, right?” A crazy man was returning to the asylum on a completely empty bus and sat down on a random bench. Suddenly, it started to rain, and he realized he’d sat under a leak, but he sat there, firm and strong, with the water dripping on his head. After a while, the ticket collector, who was watching, asked, “Sir, why don’t you change seats?” I’ve thought about it, but who am I going to change seats with? [Music] A guy comes home three hours later than usual and says, “Honey, oh, you have no idea what happened to me. What’s wrong, honey?” I left work and stopped by the mall to take a look. And when I was halfway up the escalator, the power went out. I stood there for almost two hours, waiting for the power to come back on. How can you be turned off, honey, for not sitting down? An extremely jealous woman goes to a fortune teller to read her future. The fortune teller then says: “I have two pieces of bad news, madam. Your husband has a lover and you will be a widow very soon. So see if I will be absolved.” Two friends meet at a bar and one says to the other: “Did you know Valdemar is hospitalized?” “It can’t be. Just yesterday I ran into him at a dance and saw him dancing with a gorgeous blonde.” Yes, his wife saw it too. A group of people were visiting a history museum. They stop in front of a skeleton and ask the guide: “Whose skeleton is that over there? This skeleton is of Pedro Álvares Cabral, a great Portuguese navigator. And that smaller skeleton next to it, oh, that’s the skeleton of Pedro Álvares Cabral when he was a child.” [Applause] A crazy guy bangs on the counter and shouts: “Give me a meatball and a guarana.” The attendant then replies: “You’re crazy, aren’t you? How do you know? Was it because of the meatball or the guarana? No, sir, it was neither. This is a bank. Alexandrino had a child and went to register the child at the city registry office.” The clerk then asks: “What name would you like to give your son?” The 15th Grandstand in Piracicaba. But how? The 15th Grandstand in Piracicaba. Don’t you know that kind of name is forbidden ? Your son can’t have that name. Alexandrino, dissatisfied, says: “But why isn’t it a normal name like any other? My other son even has a classmate with a name similar to that?” Alexandrino, that’s forbidden, and I can’t do that. But tell me, what’s your son’s classmate’s name? Geraldo Santos. [Applause] These are pocket jokes, yes, to make you laugh. These are pocket jokes, where good humor will flow. These are pocket jokes, you can’t resist. Stop playing now and let the comedy take over. An American farmer and a Brazilian farmer are talking. ” How big is your farm?” the American asks. “Look, by Brazilian standards, my farm is a reasonable size.” “She’s 30 acres. And yours, how big is it?” the Brazilian asks the American. “Look, I leave home early, start my jeep, and by noon I haven’t even covered half my farm.” The Brazilian makes a face and replies, “Yeah, I used to have a car like that; it’s shit.” A crazy woman writes a letter to her son that says: “My dear son, I’m writing you a few lines just to let you know I’m still alive. I’m writing slowly because I know you can’t read fast. You won’t recognize our house when you get back, because we’ve moved. I can’t send you our new address because the family who lived here took the house number with them. We bought a washing machine, but it doesn’t work properly. Last week I put 10 shirts in it, pulled the cord, and never saw them again. About your father, he got a good job. He has 1,000 men under him now. He’s the newest gravedigger in the cemetery. Your uncle Valdemar drowned last week in the wine cellar at the cooperative. Some friends tried to save him, but you know, right? He was stubborn and fought bravely against everyone. His body was cremated, but it took three days to pay. On Thursday I went to the doctor, and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and He told me not to talk for the next 10 minutes. Your father then wanted to buy the tube from the doctor, but he wouldn’t sell it. It only rained twice this week around here. The first time it rained for three days and the second for four days. On Monday it was so windy that one of the hens laid the same egg three times. We received a letter from the bank informing us that if the last payment for your grandmother’s funeral isn’t made within 7 days, they’ll return her. Look, my son, take care, okay? A kiss from your mother. I was supposed to send you some money, but since I had already sealed the envelope, I couldn’t send it. But look, next time, okay? Two country folk who had been fighting and angry with each other for a long time crossed paths on a farm road. One of them was leading a tethered herd of cattle, and the other immediately said, “Are you going to walk the ox?” The other, quite surprised, replied, “What audacity, friend! We haven’t spoken in so long, can’t you see this isn’t an ox? It’s not a dairy cow, besides being shameless, it’s stupid. The other country boy quickly replies: “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to the cow.” A hunter walks into a bar after a day of hunting and says to a guy: “Today I caught 90 rabbits, 150 partridges, and 350 bucks.” The guy, without wasting time, asks: “So you’re like me?” “Oh, so you’re a hunter too?” No, I’m not, I’m not a liar either. An aviation company needed another pilot for its fleet of planes and decides to place an ad in the newspaper. One fine day, a guy shows up at the company for an interview. Do you have a pilot’s license? What do I have? Do you know how to fly planes? No, sir. Do you know anything about flight coordinates? No, sir. Do you even speak English? No, sir. So, what are you doing here? I came to tell you not to count on me for the job. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked “like” yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a “hi,” okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some handsome robot. A guy gets on a train and sits next to a very well-dressed gentleman. The guy starts looking at him and asks, “Have you never been on television?” Yes, I usually go to a lot of general culture programs, so you must know me. The gentleman then takes the opportunity to say, “Look, since the trip is going to be long, do you want to play a game with me?” “Yes, I can,” the guy replied. “Let’s do it like this, then. Since I’m more educated, you ask me a question about any subject. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll give you $. Then, I’ll ask you a question, and if I don’t know the answer, you just give me . Do you agree?” “Yes, we will,” the guy replied. The gentleman then said he’ll start by asking a question. Here comes the first question. What’s the name of the writer who wrote The Luzíadas? The guy starts thinking and after a few minutes says, “I don’t know. Easy.” The answer is Luís de Camões. Give me a dollar and you can ask me any question. Okay. Here’s the money. Well, what animal has four legs during the day and five at night?” The little man thought and thought and said: “Look, I don’t know that one. So give me the .” Sure, take it here. But now tell me what animal that is. Oh, I have no idea. Here’s a dollar. A little girl goes to her mother and asks: “Mommy, why do you always cut off the ends when you fry the sausage? I don’t know, my dear, but this is something your grandmother always did.” She then goes to her grandmother and asks: “Grandma, why do you always cut off the ends when you fry the sausage ?” “I don’t know, my granddaughter, but this is something your great-grandmother always did. She goes to her great-grandmother and asks: “Great-grandmother, why do you always cut off the ends when you fry sausage ?” Rabiza-grandmother then says: “My God, haven’t you bought a bigger frying pan yet? On a train track near the asylum, a herd of 40 cows was walking alongside the railway. Out of nowhere, a train appeared and ran over five cows. The director of the asylum heard about it and went to the scene. He then asked one of the madmen who witnessed the scene how the accident had happened. The madman then said: “Look, director, the cows were actually very lucky. If the train had come from the other side, it would have run them all over. Two guys have just robbed a very large bank. They stop the car a few miles ahead and one says to the other: “Shall we count the money now?” No way, Mel. Let’s wait for them to say it on the news later. A madman who had just been released from the asylum got a job as an airline pilot for some airline. On a certain flight, the plane had a problem and one of the engines stopped. And the madman, over the radio, said to the passengers: “Gentlemen, due to a technical problem, we will arrive at our destination half an hour late.” A few moments later, another engine on the plane also stopped, and again the pilot said to the passengers: “Gentlemen, I regret to inform you, but we will arrive an hour late at our destination.” A few more minutes passed and all the engines stopped. The pilot, with incredible calm, tells the passengers over the plane’s radio: “Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to inform you, but we’re going to be in the air for the rest of the night.” A guy was traveling on a half-empty train and suddenly had a strong urge to take a shit. He went to the bathroom, but it was locked, so he decided to relieve himself in the aisle . Meanwhile, the ticket collector passed by and said: “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to come with me, and I’ll have to report it to the train chief.” To which the guy replied: “Of course, and for all I care, you can give him all the shit. ” Two crazy people meet in the asylum’s workshop and one says to the other: “So? Are you like a carpenter now?” “Yeah, you are, but I’m a little intrigued. But why? I lost one of my fingers and I don’t know why.” Wow! And what were you doing to lose your finger? Nothing special. I was working on this rotary saw and when I put my finger on it, it stopped like this. Look, I missed another one. A guy goes to the doctor and is prescribed some suppositories, which he promptly goes to a pharmacy and buys. Some time later, he returns to the doctor, who asks him: “So, how have you been?” Look, doctor, it’s very difficult to swallow those pills. They’re very large. But do you take them by mouth? Of course you do. You wanted me to put them in my mouth. Yeah, they say a country boy married a French woman and from the marriage a son was born, whom they named Jesuíno. Gãe, swine on his father’s side. A guy says to his wife: “Honey, prepare some clothes for me because I want to take a shower and then take care of business at the company, okay?” The woman prepares the clothes and puts them in the bathroom for him. The guy starts taking his shower and immediately shouts: “Honey, bring me my shampoo here, will you?” Yeah, but honey, the shampoo is in the bathroom, but this one is for dry hair, and I’ve already wet my head. [Music] Two friends were in a pool. When one of them climbs on a board and the other says, “Wow, Zé, you look like an eagle.” Why, Nestor? Is it because of my muscular chest? No, Zé, it’s because of your nails. One fine day, a country boy was going to the capital by bus and remembered to take his pet dog. When he arrived at the bus station, he wouldn’t let the dog on the bus because animals weren’t allowed on public transportation. As a solution, he tied the dog’s neck with a rope to the back bumper of the bus. When they arrived in the capital, he got off the bus and went to get the dog. But it was passed out with its tongue hanging out. The country boy sees this and says, “Oh, are you laughing?” Yeah, next time you’ll come on foot. A man’s mother-in-law is taken to the hospital in serious condition. After examining her, the doctor informs the man, “Hmm, we have no hope.” The man then asks, “Doctor, so she won’t survive?” “No, she will.” A young lady was in her golf lesson, but her performance was as bad as ever. She was hitting the ball into the trees with her putter, and the instructor, who was already desperate, said, “Oh, I think the problem is your putter’s flu. You should hold it more lightly. Oh, imagine the putter is a man’s bingo hall.” The lady thought about this for a moment, picked up the putter, and hit the golf ball, which flew beautifully across the green and rolled into the hole, hitting it squarely. The instructor was surprised and said, “Wow, that was a brilliant attack. But next time, catch the cue with your hands and not your mouth, okay?” They launched a 180-degree cinema here. There was a huge party, and everyone wanted to go to the first showing. At the end of the movie, no one was leaving, so the owner went to see what was happening. Everyone was passed out. He then held a second showing, and at the end, everyone was also passed out. He then held a third showing, and everyone was passed out. The theater owner then said, “Oh, shit, this isn’t going to work. I’m going to have to lower the temperature.” A guy was like a king in the theater, completely relaxed. His legs were on the front seat, his elbows were on the side seats, in short, everything was at ease. The movie theater manager is called and comes over to the guy and says, “What a break, huh, man? Don’t you want some popcorn and a soda? No, I don’t. I want an ambulance. I fell from up there. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that still hasn’t clicked like. Take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. It was night in the asylum and the lunatics were watching television. One of the lunatics was watching the aquarium and the others were watching television without blinking. Then the lunatic watching the aquarium asked, “Did you change the fish water today? One of the crazy people watching TV says, “Not yet. They haven’t even drunk the one I put in yesterday. Two guys went to Italy and were so amazed when they entered the Colosseum in Rome. Wow, what a beautiful thing. It really is, man. Just imagine when they’re done. A couple who were going to have a baby were traveling through China. They arrived at a place called the Lake of Names, because the Chinese would throw a pebble into the water and discover the name they would give the child by the little sound the pebble made when it hit the lake water. A Chinese man who was on the shore threw a pebble that made a “tchan” sound. His son would have that name. Then, another Chinese man threw a pebble that makes red wine, and he was so happy and ran home to tell his wife the name of his son. So, the impressed husband decided to give it a try. He chose a polished pebble, cleaned it, and tried it in the lake. When the pebble hit the water, it made a “tchan” sound. [Music] [Laughter] Three guys walk into the bar and start talking. Yeah, friends, I think my wife is cheating on me with a construction worker. But why do you think that? Yesterday I found a sledgehammer under the bed. Yeah. And my wife is cheating on me with a cleaning lady. Wow! Dude. Why? Just today I found a mop under the bed. Oh, oh. That’s nothing, says the third friend. And it’s my wife who’s cheating on me with a horse. Two other friends are shocked and ask, “What do you mean?” Yes. Last week I found a jockey under our bed. [Applause] A Brazilian walks into a store in Argentina and says, “I’d like a chamber pot, please.” The Argentinean replies that they didn’t have any chamber pots. “So what are those?” the Brazilian says, pointing to the shelf with a bunch of chamber pots. Oh, those are Brazilian ones. The Brazilian gets pissed and says, “So, I want a small or large Brazilian one, can you give me one that fits about 3 kg of Argentineans?” One The madman boarded the plane bound for Europe. But the madman woke up because he bought an economy class ticket and sat in first class. When the flight attendant noticed, she went to the man. “Sir, your seat is in economy class, not first class.” The madman then says, “I’m not leaving here, and no one’s getting me out of here.” Then the woman calls a flight attendant to try to convince the man to leave. “Sir, your seat is in economy class, not first class. You have to change seats.” The madman says again, “I’m not leaving here, and no one’s getting me out of here.” The flight attendant and the flight attendant then went to call the captain of the plane to try to convince the man to leave. The captain of the plane then arrived, looked at the man’s face, and whispered something in his ear that made the madman run and sit in economy class. The flight attendant and the flight attendant were astonished and asked the captain, “What did you tell the man to get him to get up?” The captain then says: “Oh, I just told him first class wasn’t going to Europe.” Two drunks were walking on a bridge when one of them lost his balance and fell into the river. The other drunk immediately called for help, but when they pulled him out of the water, he was already dead. “How is he?” the other drunk asked the firefighters. He drank a lot of water and, unfortunately, passed away. See? He drank water for the first time and died. [Music] A drunk was sitting in a bar, having a few drinks, when suddenly he saw a funeral passing by and thought, “I’ll go over there and see who kicked the bucket.” When he got close to the funeral, The widow screamed: “There goes my husband. He’s going to a place where there’s no television, where there’s no bed, where there’s no electricity, where there’s no rice and beans, where there’s no wine. And you, who loved these things so much, are going to a place where there’s none of that.” The drunk then screamed: “Okay, all that’s left is to take this guy to my house.” A drunk gets on a bus, sees a lady sitting there, and says: “Oh, why did you put on so much makeup? Well, to look prettier. And why didn’t you stay?” A drunk walks onto a bench and asks for a glass of wine. The waiter immediately says to the drunk: “A glass of wine?” But do you know where that is? You can’t read, can you? This is the pinto bench, only bigger. That’s exactly what I want. White, red, and the best. Three drunks were discussing that if they were the president of the country, what would be the price of cachaça? The first then says: “If I were president, a liter of cachaça would cost $. Wow, it’s very expensive,” replied the other two. The second says: “If I were president, a liter of cachaça would cost . Wow, it’s very expensive,” replies the third drunkard, who then says: “If I were president, a liter of cachaça would cost only 50 cents.” “That’s right,” replied the other two drunkards and soon celebrated. They hugged each other and soon fell like shit on the floor. One of the drunks then says: “Wow, just when I was enjoying this government, it fell.” A police car chases another car at high speed. When the police manage to stop the car, the officer notices that a very drunk man is behind the wheel. The officer then asks: “Didn’t you see the turn signals?” No? The man then replies: Turn signals? What turn signals? I didn’t even see the Indians. Two drunks board a train and mistake the ticket taker for a Navy officer, who was sitting there, handing him two tickets. The officer takes the tickets and says: “There must be some mistake here. I’m not the ticket checker.” You’re not a ticket checker? No, sir. I’m the Navy officer. And then one of the drunks says to the other: “Wow, we got on a boat by mistake.” A crazy man was in the asylum getting his body waxed when the nurse appears and asks: “May I ask what you’re doing?” “Can’t you see? ” You’re rubbing wax on your body.” Wax for what? The crazies here are crazy. I want to be a waxed crazie. In a mental institution, one of the crazies was sitting on a stool holding a fishing rod dipped in a bucket of water. The doctor walks by and asks, “What are you fishing for?” Oh, you idiots, doctor, have you caught any yet? Oh, you’re the fifth. At the end of the day, a crazie was walking through the halls of the asylum with a toothbrush tied to a string . He then passes a nurse who asks him, “Are you walking your dog?” “Wow! Can’t you see this is a toothbrush and not a dog? Then I’m the crazy one,” says the crazie, grumbling and walking away from the nurse. After a few minutes, he turns around and says, “Come on, Toto, we’ve fooled another one.” At school, the teacher asks Johnny, “Tell me what you mean by transparent object.” He then says, “It’s an object through which one can see.” Very well. Give me an example of a transparent object, then. The keyhole. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. In the mental hospital, a guy goes to visit a distant relative and a crazy man appears with a knife in his hand and runs after him. The guy panics and starts running in fear. He runs and runs until he reaches a corridor with no exit. The crazy man holds the knife to the guy’s neck and says, “I got it, here’s the knife, and now you run after me, okay? ” A somewhat crazy guy goes to the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’m desperate. I think I’m three. I don’t know what else to do. Calm down, my lord. “Oh, lie down there, the seven of us will solve your problem.” Nivaldo was entering the office at 9 a.m. when, on the sidewalk near his office door, he saw a guy on his knees, his ear pressed against a manhole cover. Since he was already late, he couldn’t find out more about the scene. He had already forgotten about it when, at lunchtime, he went out to get something to eat, and there was the same guy, in the same position, with his ear pressed against the manhole cover. He was intrigued, but since lunchtime was short, he didn’t stop and kept going. When he returned, the same guy was in the same spot. It seemed like he hadn’t even moved. He was punching the cover as if he were investigating something. At 6 a.m., Nevaldo left the office and almost tripped over the guy. He was in the same spot, motionless, with his ear pressed against the manhole cover. He couldn’t stand it and said, “Dude,” the guy said, putting his finger in front of his nose. “What’s wrong?” Nivaldo asked. The man became distressed and signaled for him to lower his voice. There was only one thing to do. And Nivaldo also got down on his knees and pressed his ear to the manhole cover, where the man had been all day. A minute passed, two, three. Then Nivaldo stood up and said, “Look, my friend, I didn’t hear anything.” The man then said, “And the strangest thing is that it’s been like this all day.” An old man was on all fours looking for something. And someone came up to him and asked, “Did you lose something?” “Yes, I did, my son, a candy. But have you been here on all fours for so long because of a candy? What does a candy mean? My teeth are stuck to it. ” A bodybuilder was looking in the mirror and noticed he was all tanned, except for his bingo. So he decided to go to the beach, bury himself in the sand, and leave only his bingo out. Two old ladies pass by and one says to the other: “Look at this, happy beauty, isn’t there any logic in this world ? When I was 10, I was afraid of this. When I was 20, I was curious about it. Then, when I was 30, I pursued it. When I turned 40, I lost interest in it. When I was 50, I even paid for it. When I was 60, I even prayed for this thing. In my 70s, I even forgot about it. And now that I’m 80, this crap even grows in the sand.” When the old ladies celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, the woman asked her husband to spend their anniversary night at the same hotel where they had spent their wedding night. He agreed, and off they went. They arrived at the hotel and she wanted a special dinner in her room, the same as on their wedding night . Her husband agreed and called the hotel restaurant to order the food. During dinner, she felt completely at ease and At one point she leans over the table and says to her husband: “My dear, I feel a very strong heat in my chest, the kind I haven’t felt in 50 years here in this same hotel. The husband looks at his wife and says: “It’s just that your breasts are in the soup, dear.

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