American Dad Season 31 Ep 05 Full Episodes – American Dad 2023 Nocuts #1080p

American Dad Season 31 Ep 05 Full Episodes – American Dad 2023 Nocuts #1080p
American Dad Season 31 Ep 05 Full Episodes – American Dad 2023 Nocuts #1080p
American Dad Season 31 Ep 05 Full Episodes – American Dad 2023 Nocuts #1080p

When I joined the CIA I knew the deal if we make a mistake we cover it up like the time dick accidentally created feline AIDS and we covered it up by blaming it on gay cats but this was different this was too big to cover and bulock wanted blood now I’m

Only going to say this once I love Christmas okay two numbers left in the evil Santa gift swap number 13 Davenport choose a gift from the table or take someone else’s the Nicholas Cage stickers and Tin of bread sticks thing is still extremely available for a steel tough luck duper anyway Davenport you’re

Up uh I’ll pick we have a picker it’s a pizza slic sleeping bag and the crust is a sewn in pillow he’ll be king of the sleepover go go go go go a winning gift unlike the bread sticks which have effectively taken duper out of the

Game see it gave everyone else the gift of laughter in a way the only true gift okay my turn H the torture variety pack is tempting Heretics Fork metal spanker anal taring brush it’s a barbecue set but who needs two of anything I shall pick wait the there should be a gift

Here there’s no gift for me but but that means someone didn’t bring one what impossible it can’t be it is be who didn’t bring a gift and don’t try to sell me on the gift of laughter cuz that’s horeshit who was it who’s ruined everything everyone was a suspect only

One person knew who did it but there was one thing we all knew I’m going to thiser in the tushi hand me the anal taring brush no one knew who didn’t bring the gift or Worse what bulock might do trying to find out now I’m no chef but an unpredictable man in a

Position of power smelled like a bad recipe to me and I should know I’m an expert Chef L cordon blue class of’ 08 sir you seem a little upset you can always read me Smith I’m bloody outraged sir if I I may it’s it’s only evil Santa only evil Santa only evil

Santa and this is only a pin W every agent puts his life in the hands of his fellow agents and if we can’t trust our fellow agents all our lives are at risk I I see how it’s a big deal now sir I swear to you Smith I will find out who

Didn’t bring a present I refuse to live like this office grenade oh no my whiskey stones they weren’t destroyed sir I know you want to get this guy but maybe you’re too close to it like a doctor operating on their own child or a person standing right behind

Another person sure listen you’re a busy man you’ve got the CIA to run and pins to keep in your grenades why don’t you let me lead the investigation well that’s not up to me that’s up to the hiring Committee of which I appoint you the Soul member then I’ll hire myself

Those pencil pushers finally got something right thanks for taking me to get a new suit K clouse I figure I should start planning for the spring Harvest Dance Now well it’s never too early to start thinking about outfits I mean I already know what I’m going to wear to your

Funeral my insane clown party t-shirt that looks great on you yeah no [ __ ] trying to impress a lady trying to impress all of them you know who never lacked for attention Solomon shant laa the most storied lady killer of the 1890s his secret an antique handkerchief the gentleman

Angle I’ll take it that’s crazy but it’s your funeral Bro taking the case I knew what might happen to the guilty agent but I never imagined what would happen to the innocent ones look bulock wants me to crack heads but we’re friends so let’s just sit in here for 10 minutes and shoot the breeze

Oh great I don’t know why but I was a little nervous about this the only thing you should be nervous about is your golf game you can’t clam up on me punk I know you’re hiding something okay okay I’m the one taking dumps in the urinals I call it an inside

The park home run Smith good work dick that’s a funny name for it congratulations dick you are no longer my number one suspect you’re my number two suspect that’s a [ __ ] joke dick who says this can’t be fun styles thanks for dropping by bud when are we going to get back on that

Squash court I had a thought Smith never mind we can talk after your interviews I used to be a popular guy but if you leave no stone unted eventually the stones turn on you handkerchief my lady you’re such a gentleman Steve we are a dying breed my mother’s

Always saying I should be looking for boys like you I super love my mom too a this may seem forward but would you take me to the spring Harvest Dance next [Applause] Weekend I would love to maybe it’s time to put someone else on the evil Santa case it’s been months and you have nothing to show for it not nothing sir I have this I just need to turn one of these question marks into something I know idiot

I didn’t know if I was impressing him or not but I did know one thing I couldn’t let him take me off the case because the man I was hunting was me ah damn you nasty I mean I meant to bring a present but I couldn’t because I forgot to buy

One now I’m In Too Deep caught in a Web of Lies and it’s killing me killing you a Web of Lies is only bad for the fly you’re the spider for the spider the webs of PF Changs PF Changs that’s a good thing it’s a great thing I knew I

Should come to you with this you’re the best liar I know I need your help all right I’ll get you out but you have to listen carefully and you’re going to have to lie a bit more if it ends this I’m in your hands perfect these are the

Same hands that choked Lisa Bonet when she beat me out for the role of Denise huxel on a different world that was a lie the role was created for her but I did ch now here are a few crucial phrases to controlling a lie the first phrase is

Believe the lie you haven’t believed so you’ve been stalling spinning your wheels you would never do that on a real case I know bulock wants to bring in someone else and that’s exactly what’s going to happen sir I know how much this case means to you so I’m bringing on

Some help ACE Crouton Consulting detective now let’s get one thing straight I work for the case not for the cops not for him and definitely not for I’m talking to a chair why am I talking to a chair sorry I was fired up so I

Came in and just kind of went into it don’t worry Smith I heard everything carry on we need wiretaps surveillance fans a satellite team and Bogata yes I love this new energy the entire CIA is at your disposal does that include the Starbucks in the lobby specifically the

Employees specifically Greg ah you can have Kevin but not Greg bye Jim bye Liz you better expect a call on Monday for that lemon bar recipe boy your parents are Super Rad Steve you were great my parents loved you have fun at the dance huh wait did I forget to

Tell you the plan my parents won’t let me date a sexy bad boy like Wyatt so I used you a sexless good boy to get out of the house she’s 14 and you’re like 25 buddy good luck picking a movie that you both agree on

We just saw what she did yeah go ahead laugh it up no we were wondering would you do that for us my parents hate my boyfriend too I’ll even pay you will you be our little good boy Steve h a good boy front so first I get

The money then I get the motorcycle after I take the responsible Rider’s course then I’ll be the responsible sexy bad boy ladies we’re in business so will you do it h i can’t believe this worked what a rush the joy of getting away with a lie is better than a million helping people

Now it’s on to phase two of lying Benefits I don’t understand this phase should we be looking for something the views Dan we use a helicopter chter for the investigation but we’re really enjoying the views the views now you’re getting it and this is just one of many benefits the next is eat day eat day is

Just what it sounds like then there’s bone day you just wake up and start plowing babes all day I’m not doing that I just want everything normal at work again fine we’ll go straight to the last phase the blame phase what what what you what are you

Doing Stan looking for the words the words usually appear yeah okay oh my god I think I’m losing it check your jacket pocket no the blame phas to accept blame of course I knew eventually I’d have to fess up and except how no you’re just blame it on someone else I can’t blame

Another agent okay well not a living agent people in the CIA die all the time right so wait for the next one and pin it on them that’s that’s actually a good idea what do you mean actually a good idea you say that like I don’t have good

Ideas I always have good ideas I am by far the most creative person in the family okay okay okay yourself guy sorry sorry I’m I’m I’m I’m truly sorry let’s just forget about it I feel like I undersold bone Day [Applause] Thanks for not trying anything Steve and I never will you asked to see me sir tell me something good Smith I need it something good uh Big Daddy Jeff and the stoage are back on FM 931 I guess the stewe isn’t going to prison a weight lifted

And my heart needs it agent Davenport died on a mission last night Sir um I know the timing of this is tough but well I closed the case this morning it was agent Davenport who didn’t bring a gift to evil Santa Smith are you quite sure I am maybe he knew I

Was close and took it into his own hands by tying himself up and being shot several times through the trunk of an old Fiat yes that makes sense but why he was still a great agent the best way to honor him is to not look for any soft spots in my story you’re

Right you can pay for your Steve date experience with cash or credit she wants to know if we’ll accept a video of her getting her nipples pierced yeah look Jessica Steve would love to escort you to the winter formal but I’m looking and there’s nothing available you know what for you let me

Talk to my manager oh my God this never happens he’s making room for you I cannot stress to you how much this never happens if you were to expect this in the future you would be insane you’re really going to enjoy our Steve silver package it’s a drop off a picture

And I’ll talk to your dad about model airplanes oh Steve you’re so nice it’s it’s making me so horny for Trevor oh you’re one of Trevor’s girls yeah he’s been hitting it pretty hard since his divorce we’re gathered here today to honor a man Wallace Davenport I think

You actually got me out of this actually what what the hell is your problem man beloved husband voted father and oh I just can’t do it how dare you cry for this man he didn’t bring a gift to evil Center I’m not sure if there is a hell

But if there is one Davenport’s there wrapping an empty box in his own flayed skin for all eternity but he brought a poker set sh you’re you’re Delirious with grief that was me I brought the poker set he was a coward he was a traitor people please can’t we just bury

The man and all the issues surrounding him you’ll never see a dime of his pension but we’ll lose everything this has gone too far Stan can’t you see no one’s getting hurt here I declare Prima we’re never going to make it with bulock taking the pension away Katie’s medication

Alone and Katie’s Katie’s absolutely essential you know what forget it I guarantee you’ll have that pension Roger I just promised the CIA would pay Davenport’s pension oh bad lie Stan not a Roger sanctioned lie but it is a lie so don’t be too hard on

Yourself how am I going to pay her it’s simple you get a night job to support your new secret family I know a great place Ace Crouton you were supposed to find my missing kid and I’m looking for him her oh a Clue great now go on and get felt up by a delinquent he’s not coming he just texted me he’s sick Toon’s sick too WHYY it’s dead Steve do you have that hiy on you no unfortunately I don’t tonight of all nights Center for Disease Control nobody move what’s going on right here Hot

Zone ah I confess I’m a good boy for hire sir he’s telling the truth who cares there’s been an outbreak of Conquistador measles and levels are off the chart around this kid Mother of God wait why didn’t I get sick Conquistador measles doesn’t infect the sexually immature a class five virus

Going after a dwee like you please but it could still like me as a friend right and and then maybe one day it could grow into something more than Friendship Stan are you working late again I need you here to explain Kimmel’s jokes you know how the CIA is this time of year with Toyota days around the corner got to go big mission St no personal calls last warning if you want to keep getting

Paid wait this is all any chance I could get an advance on my next 10 years salary what do I look like a bank no not really One bank and the Widow’s good for Life two Banks my bud is full of money Stan what are you doing here Roger you you sell sperm too sell hey you look like me this is crazy I got to get a pick twinsies God look at me look at what I’ve become lying has turned me into a horrible grotesque monster well you’re not having any

Trouble with brutal honesty right now I’m just not built to be a liar no you’re built to be a jerk double my order so you didn’t bring a gift led a fraudulent investigation had me desecrate a fellow agent funeral then sold your plasma and semen until you

Were at the brink of death that’s the gist I think the lesson is obvious Smith it is I’m a better man when I’m honest also you never really escape a lie even if you get away with it jeez the lesson is to bring a bloody gift to evil

Santa a mistake I’m sure you didn’t make this Year a get it this Bozo’s right back where he started Merry Christmas from our family to yours wait a minute is this our Christmas episode what month is This banana Sheriff banana Sheriff how about a banana Sheriff a banana banana that does sound good what’s wrong with my bananas oh right dear God a suspicious package banana shff not now man clear the beach go for bomb unit steady don’t rush it damn it he got spooked phew just the white devil

Everyone can go back to handing each other different fruits really I mean what the are we doing here I am so jealous you guys are going to the game I can’t believe the Bazooka sharks made the playoffs that’s what the five-week regular season was all about

Three and two baby sure there’s no extra ticket damn sure that there is one what and it’s going to my boy Steve why would you bring me yeah nobody loves the zuk more than clouse I bleed silver and ocean lime clouse you’re not coming because you’re wearing a t-shirt

Jersey a the guy at Marshall said this was the real deal dad take the fish I’m almost through my annual reread of the Joy Luck Club Now Steve I need a human torso dick has community service so you have to step in as our A R A what’s the team

Name the ragam muffins yeah Marshall’s customer service please it doesn’t exist so we’re just going to hang out in the parking lot for 3 hours before the game no Steve we’re also going to pound Jagger bombs and maybe get into a fist fight with a middle-aged woman it’s called tailgating excellent you brought

The child as we discussed what are you doing stop it look at that blank canvas Dad wait Steve’s right if anyone’s going to spray his a it should be his father tickets tickets need tickets I got them have tickets I want them thanks Roger but we’re good got a great pair on

The 50- yard line handicap Zone need a wheelchair I got it have a wheelchair I want it need a high protein snack on the go try walnuts ah we’re just here for the tailgate we don’t really care about football oh I can make you care you just

Need a little skin in the game what I’ll take that action put you down for a dime on the Sharks a dime on the Sharks smart bet they got a lot of heat coming out of the regular season 3 and two baby this is going to be incredible been

Looking forward to it all week the game not the pee I peed a couple days ago remember to toss a penny in before you leave ew that splashed me dude that’s eight months of good luck could you move down a little bit oh I’m the weirdo you haven’t Peter dropped the whole time

I’ve been watching when’s the game going to start not until Sky croner says it does it’s game time honey i’ been waiting no table saddle they some say the ropes don’t keep him from falling to the Earth but rather from flying to the heavens some

Say take his head off kill him let his Thro that was Savage is he all [Applause] right he’s dead welcome to the shark Nest baby mama you like this hell yeah I like shark ball on the 30 the Dryer’s ice cream atorium we get a free scoop at halftime the Widow picks

The flavor Here Comes Johnny the quarterback that’s Juan Consuelo AKA Johnny concussion without a doubt the greatest player in arena football history probably no one keeps records Dad Mr concussion isn’t moving is he dead too brain dead maybe real dead no way Johnny concussion always gets back up bazooka sharks fans looks like Johnny’s out cold Let’s help him shake out those cobwebs for Goodness sh sh I got sh Le he’s totally fine this is barbaric and you’re cheering for it I think I’m going to be sick do you have something with the essence of Ginger or or anything to settle a rumbly tumbly I got a zuka Zinger that’s gold slogger and Mountain

Dew maybe just some nachos and take your time I’m in no rush to Johnny concussion excuse me young lady could you point me toward the field the field what what’s wrong with you you almost died on the field yeah the field that’s where Johnny Goes do you have any

Idea what concussions do to your brain they’re killing you you’re looking at me am I supposed to do something am I supposed to throw a football Johnny where’d you go your team needs you okay Johnny you want to get back to the field it’s right through here I can’t go back without my

Johnny anyone care for a nacho oh Steve it’s terrible Johnny concussion is missing oh no they’re putting in the backup quarterback Donny forfeit don’t do it dmy I got to do it I don’t have a choice red 42 homaha sharks forfeit why didn’t we draft him the season’s over Steve tell

Me the truth did they write two letters on me because I’m fat last night after the pizza Rockets defeated the Bazooka sharks the town of Aberdine came together for a night of terrifying but well-deserved rioting this is shameful that should be our elementary school on fire I can’t believe Johnny concussion disappeared in

The middle of the game yeah that’s weird but it’s a mystery we don’t have time to solve what with indoor lacrosse season only a month off laser rats baby I bed tangerine and resma has red lacrosse is for girls you’re a girl look they found Johnny concussion Johnny your surprise

Midgame retirement shocked everyone take us through your decision honestly I I didn’t make the decision my guardian angel did Guardian Angel oh yeah my angel said concussions were killing me and I had to stop playing he had Angel glasses and a high pitchel voice I’m

Going to be late for school it was this little baby with the giant a painted on his little baby chest so the Hunt is on for Johnny’s Guardian Angel wait I’m receiving word that it’s Steve Smith thanks Francine it’s your fault our season’s over I just gave him the facts you

Should leave Steve and come back right after school cuz I’ll always be loved here hey Steve since I’ll never see your [ __ ] ass again I might as well tell you I’m the one who snaked all your kitkats last Halloween I’m choking Steve my dearest friend you must save me in a school fire you got to know what you want cuz the clock is ticking but I nailed it I got an overhead projector a hand turkey by Emily see and two dozen smoke damaged copies of hatchet you were

A part of those riots in Aberdine a part how dare you I picked the targets I set the fires I was an integral part oh okay yeah I was a part but I was excited it’s not every day you win a big Sports bet

Oh right I owe you a dime just grab it out of the change bowl is there $1,000 cash in that bowl cuz that’s what a dime is in gamblers lingo who knows that everyone knows that babe I thought you were crazy to make that bet I almost

Said something I’ll never be able to pay you $1,000 sure you will and here’s how whoa we were just in the kitchen you put a taxi meter in my car yep and you’re going to pay me back for that too but I don’t want to be a cab driver if

It makes you feel any better behind the wheel of every taxi is a sad confused person who was tricked into a bet they didn’t understand you’re on the clock for the next 10 hours here’s a peac cup and some rigoton I made last week I would try to eat it today there’s no

Visible mold but things are happening sorry I’m late a principal in a bazooka shark’s Jersey stopped me in the hall ate my entire bag lunch and then told me my mama’s cooking sucks things are getting a little hot for me boys but as long as we all stick

Together you’ll be able to absorb some of that heat follow me I don’t think so I said it in a weird way picture this the whole town is freezing Me Out Boy we can’t help you Steve we’re huge Johnny concussion fans what Johnny has a half asian girlfriend and I respect the hell

Out of that the dad is Asian Steve do you understand that is this the the the girlfriend’s parents wedding photo I me is this sold in stores this is the dad here we are at the Museum wonderful and you owe me nothing for the ride

Since you won’t let me turn the meter on right right right right right you need paying customers to pay me back right obviously I’ll get out of your hair 138 and less so you drive a cab huh that’s cool I love to dance I love to feel people’s

Eyes on me I had a little bit to drink tonight ah Long Island Ice teas right they’re so sweet but the boys keep buying him for me if my fiance knew he’d kill all of them he’s Dominican he’s crazy the sex is good though he calls me his little

Chihuahua when I was a kid my dad beat the [ __ ] out of me hey thanks for reaching out to us happy to have you on our show well I just wanted a chance to tell my side of the story I think you’re doing the right thing welcome back to the fist Langley’s

Home for sports radio where I’m joined by Steve Smith the little bastard Who tricked Johnny concussion into retiring oh what can you pinpoint the exact moment you decided to destroy the very fabric of this community I wasn’t trying to destroy anything he he was wandering around in a days because you drugged him

No I didn’t give Johnny any drugs because you needed them all for yourself if you’re just joining us Steve Smith is here and he’s high on the drugs he was planning to use on Johnny concussion none of that is true I just helped a guy who was in bad shape any decent person

Would have done it Mike and land what’s your two cents uh yeah I think it’s too bad the boys on drugs cuz I want them to feel what I’m going to do to them strong take Mike stay on the line we’re going to hook you up with some laser rats

Tickets oh my God I’m going to the rat Hive Randy what do you think of Steve Smith ha him want to murder him no one needs to die not me not Johnny it’s just a game just a game really was World War II just a game my grandfather was born

In the 40s so I find what you’re suggesting deeply offensive Coler can you reason with this animal Steve Smith is a scumbag Mom I’m done this town has gone completely insane if anyone wants to continue the conversation Steve will be leaving by our Southeast exit in about 30 seconds

Hurry up where am I going to go where am I going to Go me [Applause] too that’s the boy we agreed to Kill [Applause] dad drive the boy towards me it’s fine first time throwing a bolo not going to beat myself up for missing it’s important to try new [Applause] weapons can I help you is it possible to mail a human to the other side of the world it is the policy of Packages Etc

To not ship humans but since you are not human but in fact human Garbage I’d love to put you in a box all right you said your piece just [ __ ] me how does overnight sound probably my best chance of getting there alive well that’s not how you’re

Going phew just a white devil everyone can go back to handing each other different fruits okay Steve this is your only chance to make a first impression I’m Here where are you from box boy I come from a land Far Far Away many moons across the Great Sea a place called America I know where the United States is we’re not Primitives oh you’ll need to get for a dick pouch no need I’m

Exactly the size of a c battery boy this is great I’m getting away from a very fraught situation so chilling out and enjoying a little island life is just what I need on this island everybody works baskets so what am I the distribution guy get them into stores no no you make

The baskets I don’t have any training I’m still kind of uh little boy come on it’s easy over under over under finished H if I could give you some criticism it’s a little small also it took you 3 months oh uh while I got you

Here Munga I wanted to put in a vacation request huh when were you thinking any couple of days within the next can’t do it I hadn’t seen my brother in months almost forgotten his face the streets were becoming my brother Haley you paid me off two days ago you don’t have to keep D but I did have to keep driving because as I was saying the streets were becoming my brother it had been days since Haley

Watched Master Chef Jr with me I told her I’d wait for her but I didn’t I couldn’t Payton made a sou like 8 years old making a sule imagine That okay can I just say something I know one of you ate my fish and it’s bumming me out a little bit because I wrote my name on it ah I just bent a read on my base Stitch is it me or is management giving

Us a lot of dry reads lately forget work the volcano’s active oh will it kill us all that might be nice if you’re looking to sacrifice a virgin your prayers have been answered no it’s Boulder pushing season every time the volcano erupts each Village sends their strongest man and they race

To push a boulder into it does that like stop it from exploding no it’s just fun mic’s from our village hey I’ve seen him around I’m team Micah Yeah yeah [Applause] yeah wow volcano is so steep can’t believe how strong they are uh-oh our boys’s in Trouble oh no Yeah M kill Him we did it we won look how excited everyone is and why cuz they’re not basket weaving I get it now people spend all day at work The Daily Grind the rat race the old punch in punch out and the only relief is the promise of the weekend

When you get together with your sad friends numb yourself with enough vodka to kill a horse and watch an athlete do the physically impossible or get Gravely injured trying and that’s where you come in Johnny concussion will you strap on the pads again be the shiny something that

Distracts us from our crappy lives they tell me that’s the ball for my first touchdown okay kid I’ll do it what about my dead brain okay kid I’ll do it that’s my Johnny another late hit Johnny really has him frustrated you did a good thing getting Johnny back on the field Steve thanks

Dad and I’m sorry your job makes you so sad what you shake it to the left you shake it to the right my wife she cing cheating now I sleep here at night oh yeah it’s on the jumo Tron woo woo now for the question that I’m famous

For asking on Fridays what’s everyone doing this weekend me and Dick are going to go check out this cranberry bog down in the chimdale wetlands how about you deputy director oh I’m going to a different cranberry bog with the Girl oh nice all right man back to work we’re in the middle of a giant mission do you have any plans this weekend Stan hey would you mind asking the other guys I feel like if I answer I’ll get trapped in a conversation with you but you’re

The only one with a family and families have always fascinated me because I don’t have one that’s a stupid reason to be fascinated by some something I don’t have a vagina and I never think about those well now I’m thinking about them a little bit thanks a lot whitesman now I

Have to go home at lunch hey wait I have a coupon to take a whole family to a buffet zoinks thanks Dr whitesman maybe I could join you guys oh I couldn’t ask you to do that after all you gave us the coupon you’ve done enough so how’s your day going sorry I

Don’t like a lot of chitchat while I’m getting my nails done Buckle what’s good my man everyone everyone get in the car Stan you can’t just kick the door off its hinges and scream at us there’s a new buffet in town and I got us a coupon for free

Everything everyone get in the car hey Raj is Dad forcing you to go to the buffet too what’s that I’m sorry it’s just that I am thinking about like a billion things right now what were you asking me I just wanted to know if you were coming to the

Buffet he thinks I can go to a buffet now in the middle of this chaos you don’t look stressed Roger you’re you’re just sitting here Steven leave him maybe it looks that way but up here full meltdown imagine a th000 chernobil and you’re halfway there so 2,000 chernes

You can’t put a number on it Steve it’s one meltdown why are we speeding we just spent 45 minutes decorating the car what do I love most about buffets in a word camaraderie I thought we’d get together and do something fun go eat cafeteria style like at camp Camp isn’t Fun they

Force you to sing and ride horses all day you chose musical horse camp no I thought the horses were going to make the music well forcing us to to eat together isn’t camaraderie Steve I’m hearing that you feel forced could you expand on that I guess these handcuffs

Give me that forced feeling the feelings you’re feeling are very natural familytime feelings would anyone like to know how I feel about buffets this long Silence has got to be tough for you make way coupon holder man with a coupon coming through welcome to the king’s Choice Buffet da when you’re royalty you’re

Here the VIP section is located in the back here’s your wristbands ew it’s a little weird that this Buffet has a VIP section right you want to hear something weird the Goodyear blimp is the official bird of Redondo Beach California oh you guys want to hear something really weird Zip Zap Z sit

Your ass down you need to hear my patented rules of the buffet stand patented rules of the buffet rule one there are no rules wow rule two never fill up on bread rule three plates are for losers cut out the middleman and pile your food directly

Onto your tray rules 4 through 100 only apply to buffets at strip clubs and most important rule 101 you can never have a bad time at the buffet cold melon and scallop soup uh I’ll take nasty ass soups for 200 Alex survey says I have to smell

It I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat this is a Disaster I thought a walk would clear my head but I’m just getting more stressed out look at those flowers not a care in the world sitting around eating bees all day do I dare no no you’re being silly Roger with all the irons you have in the fire but on the other

Hand meltdown averted yuck I don’t like the taste but I’m a flower so I got to get used to eating peas can we leave now the place is closing not until we get the special VIP dessert we were promised what the welcome Smith family I’m so glad you

Joined us for dinner but your time here is just oh okay who let this card out oh I just bashed my shin oh turn on the lights let’s go not those lights why would I want the Disco lights Dr whitesman that’s right oh sorry my Evil Genius voice sounded cool

Though right sorry about my real voice I’m making you my family what is happening jeez Haley are you dense Dr whitesman is a lonely person he wants a family he’s going to force us to live with him forever in accordance to whatever his demented idea of a family is I’m assuming these VIP

Wristbands are rigged with explosives and we’ve been drugged with a neurotoxin to temporarily paralyze us I don’t know if I’d call my ideas demented plus I want to be the one to say all my demented [ __ ] home sweet home home Stan are you okay okay I’m having a

Blast you are of course rule 101 you can’t have a bad time at the buffet huh that’s a interesting way of looking at things honey excuse me ma’am my sheets are a little tight oh no are they a little tight they’re supposed to be very tight what about all the other people at

The restaurant were they background actors they actually were all extras from The Marvelous Mrs Nas set great show getting worse every year can you help us get out of here no what kind of person are you I’m not a person I’m a robot Dr whitesman made

Me and then he named me after a stripper he once fell in love with okay put your face back on charday no one likes when you do that oh God are you too I wish no my hostess robot became sentient and as per usual I’m stuck in the friend

Zone okay it’s 99 my sweet family Hush little family it’s time to hit the hay you all live with do whitesman in a big Buffet you’re down here for forever now isn’t that fun eat whatever you want and never see the sun this is the life no stress just

Eating bees not thinking a million miles an hour I wonder why bees aren’t more afraid of flowers oh no let’s go steal as many flowers as you can for the shop I don’t like this one bit what’s that thing I thought it was a flower but I’m not so sure now check out

Its nasty root bulb looks like like a gross gray ass let’s put it in the van maybe some freak will like it and now to the cemetery for more free flowers this is so Stressful Dr whitesman must have woken me up seven times last night walking into the bathroom to pee if you ask me he should spend less time imprisoning families and more time imprisoning urologists but Counterpoint what a great night I mean when was the last time we all slept together in the same room

Obviously I’m not counting our annual trip for the Gathering of the jug good morning my beautiful children can you please let us go there must be some Humanity inside you sounds like you guys are hangry who wants Mony Cristos the American Riff on a croak massure sign me

Up now two Simple Rules here in the whitesman home I’m in control of everything and that door over there is off limits I think that door might be significant yeah no [ __ ] Dr whitesman call me dad no Uncle that’s worse Dr whitesman why are you doing this great

Question Franny chard roll tape and do it like Kristoff Waltz Kristoff Waltz mold initiated no one knows when or where Dr whitesman was born he was abandoned as a baby in the lanston sewers where even the rats refused to be his family Dr vman’s adolescence was spent in and out

Of orphanages he briefly appeared on Mickey Mouse Club until he caught the attention of the show’s legendary producer and was quickly removed then back to his sewers for Doctor school but even after after becoming a successful CIA doctor he could never find the right woman so he was never able to start the

Family he dreamt of his whole life and adoption was out of the question because obviously his appearance terrifies children Shard did I sign off on this artwork we’re screwed you know how stubborn dad is he’ll never admit you can have a bad time at the buffet you’re

Right if we’re getting out of here it’s up to us I did it I ate all that disgusting soup and now to well [ __ ] come on that door has to be the Exit oh you goofy kids always playing pranks I think you all will love it here the days are going to fly by if you don’t believe me check out this Montage gang just check the time and it’s rock o’ be right back with the acoustic I

Can’t do it I can’t listen to him play another Death Cab for Cutie song I guess some of them are technically Postal Service I’ve been trying to smile through all this cuz rules are rules but some rules are meant to be broken to a crisp I have a plan everybody sneak a

Monte chisto sandwich into bed tonight this plan sounds delicious Dad don’t be cute Steve Dad we all brought sandwiches to bed what’s the plan 5 minutes stand jumo okay everything we need for our Escape is right here in the Monte Cristo sandwich I’ll remove it from the baggie

And just lightly touch the greas soaked bread to the Sheets wow and gross Next we use the Jam wow that’s strong Jam I think I just figured out why I almost died of diarrhea wait it’s powdered sugar time we’re not going this way but it looks cool right wait we should grab clouse there’s no time next everyone take the ham out of your sandwich and eat it it’s the

Perfect protein Rich snack to keep our Motors humming is anyone there it sounds like four people eating ham good Ham oh man The Forbidden door is locked luckily the giving sandwich has one last thing to give the bread this isn’t an exit it’s a graveyard look at the way they’re grouped I think they’re other families yes there are a lot of dead bodies but at least it’s not a gift shop

I hate craft commercialism but the skeletons are for sale I make keychains perfect for a gas station bathroom do you have any gas station owner friends who have a birthday coming up You killed all those families what no they killed themselves on average most off themselves after living with Dr whitesman for 3 days though the current record is the shelines who only lasted 45 minutes that hurt my feelings but you guys really hurt my feelings trying to

Escape I thought you loved me wait the other families killed themselves without trying to escape well it was before my online guitar lessons before I got really good you suck at Guitar yeah man you suck at Guitar keep it up guys I think this is working keep mocking him you have long

Beautiful eyelashes no honey and you always cuff your sleeves like cam from Modern Family that’s not good wizard alert get out get out how’d you know he’d let us go actually I was sure he was going to kill us so I just wanted to get it over

With I can’t believe it we’re home there you all are you’re good hiders I’ve been looking for months Jeff did you think we were playing hide-and seek this whole time in September I dotted it for a second but then I found this clue so I took apart the water heater but you guys

Weren’t in there there certainly was a smell though and a lot of scalding water and you guys stayed true to the game when I screamed in agony for help you stayed hidden and you didn’t visit me in the burn Ward I can’t tell you how much

I respect that and now the game is over and I don’t know why guess I can return to my life right back in hi flower delivery oo smells like dead bees and cigarettes it’s been in the shop for 2 months your sweetheart got an unbelievable price on it Adam you got me

Flowers I am Adam and I am guilty oh that guy’s hot dang do blocking the hot body I love it so I’m a symbol of love that’s nice nice I can’t believe you remembered that I love grotesque flowers Stan I’m happy to be home but does something feel off to you there’s

No buffet and I hate it I’m feeling it too dad there was just so much food I think that’s what I loved about it sounds crazy but maybe we’re all concerned about Jeff me too I think there’s something really wrong there he’s not like fun stupid you know I

Worry Haley might be committing a crime being married to him maybe we meet with the lawyer get on record what we knew when we’re talking about the buffet oh my God the buffet I missed the buffet we all do we got to go back maybe we just have Stockholm syndrome if that means

Overwhelming desire to break into a buffet then I got the stock Holmes And now for Dessert they’re so in love and I’m so relaxed get off me he’s home early now who the hell is this Jennifer what’s going on what is That Hideous flower your wife happens to love hideous flowers my best friend and business partner oh my jangled nerves oh good they’re all gun owners

This should deescalate quickly that’s a tip for everyone at home no one ever shoots the Flower Dr whitesman is never going to let us back in remember how we used the Monte kisto sandwich to get out here’s a sandwich to help us get in a c4 sandwich they’re all also some tuna sandwiches in the bag in case anyone wants to scarf wait this is the C4

Sandwich wait a second that means the tuna Stan did you buy the cheap tuna again no it was me you bought the cheap tuna no I blew up the wall from the inside what a Twist why because my family came back to me I’m just so excited this guy’s not cool I’m starting

To think this was a mistake no no no no no let me get my guitar and some Legos you guys came to rescue me yes yes we did let’s not be here when Dr whitesman comes back but the buffet I still want a dried out piece of Dover

Soil and a sweaty sweet potato pie I guess we could dry the buffet across the street Smiths eat free I like that priz come on in leave whenever you like I’m not lonely yeah right okay how good are we at that Stan don’t you ever well get bored

Of rolling this back up yeah I mean it’s tedious but we didn’t spend $8,000 on this thing not to use it what no I’m I’m talking about the way we have sex I mean it’s the missionary position every time yes the way God wants it fun fact the

Church sent missionaries to America to teach the Indians the proper way to have sex in turn they taught us the proper way to sit when you’re in second grade but what if we’re missing out on something we might like even better I could bring in some whipped cream or

Some jelly jelly do I look like toast to you Francine do I inexplicably taste better when I’m cut at an angle did I take a back seat to The Bagel in the mid90s only to regain all right Stan I’m just asking you to open your mind to something new here something new how

About I don’t pretend to be asleep when I fart on your leg oh uhoh well these eggs are uninspired hey Dad pass the salt clearly can’t reach that I’m taking the leaf out of the table don’t take out the leaf son you’re scratching the floor son it’s not a one-man job

Son coming to you Dad you better not son oh damn it my only blue suit I told you not to mess with the table now go to your room I do not approve of your methods Stan must you spank him what it’s not a big deal I don’t even hit him

That hard look I’ll show you oh my what do you mean oh my it’s supposed to hurt no no it does it does but show me again how you do it what I just SWAT his Fanny like this that can’t be hard you spank him yeah it is it’s

Exactly how hard I do it just like this oh come on no way oh I don’t believe you next on Fox another singing contest hi Haley oh why the tears I’ve been on 12 dates since Jeff left and everyone’s been a disaster I’m Giving Up on men

Steve oh this could be my big chance it’s SN you’ve asked her out a thousand times and she’s never once said Yes you heard her she said she’s done with men you know who that leaves hanky thanks Haley would you the most beautiful woman in the world care to

Grab a slice of pizza with me tomorrow night sure it’s not whatever how do you like me now I did it buddy your pits yo oh thanks Roger I needed this great beer by the way what is it it’s this new Imperial IPA we just got got on tap

Tremendous flavor profile Pine Citrus hints of creamy lemon offset by a layer of sweet malt it’s not perfect but it’s a good first effort from an emerging Brewery wow I’ll take another so how do I tell Stan that spanking turns me on you can’t tell Stan he’s a

Prude dude I know God he’s so repressed I just wish I could get them to try something new during sex well there are ways to get people to do what you want without their knowing it are you suggesting I trick him sure it’s easy I

Once got him to drink my pee by telling him it was a fancy beer what an idiot score 10 n game point yes what the hell was that Steve what you didn’t check the ball dick game point and you pull that crap what’s going on out here it was game point and

He didn’t check the ball you didn’t check it up Bush League move bro but Mom game point and you don’t check the ball okay I’m sorry Stan what’s up hun Steve tell your father what you did I I I I I didn’t check it up what how many times that’s

It Steve you disgrace the hoop now take clouse and go to your Room my ankle s from now on I’ll be taking all of Steve’s spankings on his behalf what why because his mistakes are a reflection on my parenting when Steve fails I fail I don’t know if that sounds and he kept calling fouls like a [ __ ]

Oh well I am going to punish you on his behalf for that you’re going to end up on your knees you’re going to get I’m want your sister you going to get’s going to hit you you never know until you get you going to be hum you going to get

Your world’s going to come you never know until you get SP Francine what are you have you been setting Steve up this whole time yes I’m very bad you should spank me why would you do that to him spank me and I’ll tell you wait you like being spanked so

Much maybe we should just try it out upstairs listen here Francine this deviant Behavior has no place in our bedroom but Stan you made this hand filthy the hand I wipe with and what’s worse is you tricked me into being a part of your sinful Behavior what are

You talking about it’s not sinful let’s see what my favorite author God has to say about that thou who trith thine husband into sexy spanking shall be banished to the depths of hell that’s not in the bible let me see that uh uh Where are we I’m banishing you to these Woods when you’ve purged your sick desire to be spanked you can come home what you can’t just leave me here you’ve left me no choice Here Francine’s been out here here for 2 days I’m sure by now she’s ready to repent for her nasty spanking fetish so Francine are you ready to admit you’re a sex pervert so you can come back home and pick up my ties off the closet floor sorry Stan the problem

Isn’t me it’s you you’re repressed and until you open your mind I’m not coming home besides I’m doing fine out here H not seeing any SA s really you’re telling me the forest is out of sage you’re using again aren’t you you piece of garbage okay well when you come to your

Senses you know where to find me she’s right you you are a piece of garbage turns out it was another Haley Smith and I had gotten her headband order oh oh what are the chances I got to be honest with you snot I wasn’t really looking forward to this night but

I had a blast well call the bomb squad cuz with the blast I had that makes two blasts you know just when I thought there were no good guys left in the world here you were right in front of me the entire time I’ll call you tomorrow

Handsome oh my God it’s really happening snot yeah I’m not really into it what but you’ve been obsessed with her for years thanks for the history lesson oh my God now that she wants you you don’t want her what do you know I guess I’m just more interested in the hunt I’m

Like a lion who brings down down a zebra and then loses interest and realizes he has to go home and take a huge Deuce talk to you Later hey bud can I get you anything yeah can I see a bar menu Francine’s been gone 3 days and I’ve eaten everything in the house H kitchen just closed you know what it won’t be much but I can whippy up a little something I think we have a few duck sliders left

Over that I could pair with I don’t know like a roasted beet salad I know we just got some hazelnuts in maybe we could toast those with some caraway seeds toss it all with a citrus vinegret yeah sure thank you you don’t really eat it you just pretend go like

This oh Roger why can’t she just admit she’s a deviant so she can come home deviant yeah she wants me to spank her in bed it’s sick Stan everyone has something a little different that they like something a little naughty a little kinky not me oh honey everyone has a

Kink you just need to find Yours you’re buttoned up and prude not an ounce of you is crude and your tendencies in bed leave women snoring but if you look deep down inside and put aside your Foolish Pride there are fantes and holes that need exploring close your eyes and picture Francine as a frenchmaid instead of wearing that

Same dress that’s sort of pink sure you’d rather be on top and give three quick and stop but I know deep down inside you’ve got a kink you’ve got a kink you’ve got a kink don’t be afraid to put a finger in the stink though I know you might be shy let

Me show you things to try cuz like everyone you know you’ve got a kink imagine yourself Living Without Limits you’ve got whips and chains who needs a shrink cuz if you watch me with the ladies what we do won’t cause no babies take a tip from me and go and

Find your king you got a king you got a you got there’s so much here to see try not to Blink so if you dig on women’s feet Don’t Be Afraid turn up that heat cuz like everybody else you’ve got a kink are you getting it yet I think I am I

Love sleeping with Francine and I’m used to my routine but you think it may be time to make a change so I’ll try out something new like when kadine turned blue who am I to think my wife is sick and strange I’ve got a king king got a

King’s got a king remember what I said about the stink so if you like us all you won’t be judged we’re not a jury cuz way down deep inside we’ve all got King we got a king we got a king we got a king yes way down deep inside I’ve got a

King I’ve got to bring Francine home and let her know I’ve found my Kink I’m proud of you Stan so which Kink is it all of them uh Oh oh you’re going to Brown up real Nice Stan did you just spank me Francine I understand you now sometimes it takes a lavish song and dance number to make a man realize he was wrong oh Stan are you sure yes but it turns out there’s some stuff I’d like you to do to me anything

What is it it’s pretty ambitious so we’ll need to gather some supplies great we can cross this off the List ah your sister is calling me so much I’ve had to change the 9V on my phone three times I’m looking to upgrade well you can’t blow her off snot she’s in a really bad place I mean bad like Los Angeles International Airport bad hey LAX you’ve just been DED nobody’s

Safe sorry man I’m just not into her look if you have to dump my sister just promise me you’ll do it in a way where she doesn’t blame herself sure I I get it no problem Steve okay guys the weekly meeting for the all green backpack Club

Will now commence any old business uh there was a motion on the floor to change the color of our backpacks to a darker Evergreen denied Stan I’m trying to stay open-minded here but I’m looking at this list and were the things you want me to do to you I mean it’s crazy there’s

Nothing crazy about a husband and wife getting on the same sexual page frsc sir your candle is ready this will make a lot of hot wax right it’s the biggest candle in the world so yeah oh snot you’re here good hey now that we’re an item I want to know

Everything about your culture oh and I’ve been listening to a ton of Richard Lewis’s standup where have you been hiding this guy yeah I don’t know Haley look there’s something I need to tell you I’m I’m gay what you are too funny snot now come on stop kidding around and kiss

Me wow s God I’m sorry I I I thought you liked me this is what he Likes Haley I want to thank you because you actually confirmed this for me I mean you’re the perfect woman and if I can’t make it with you then I’m just not meant to be with women you know what snot as long as you’re happy I’m happy for

You well it was the perfect plan nobody got hurt good acting Barry yeah I’m such an idiot such a stupid idiot okay the prairie dogs are up there and uh they’re hungry like you requested great thanks Stan are you sure you’re up to all this Francine don’t worry if

Anything goes wrong I have comprehensive butt Insurance principal Lewis what are you doing here I’m here to watch you two get it on being watched is one of my Kinks Francine and who better to watch us have sex than our son’s principal what’s margarite doing here don’t mind him he’s

My ride and his friend we have a very strong friendship he’s my Ride are you Ready [Applause] Sounds like some wild stuff going on down there just like you wanted no this isn’t what I wanted Roger Stan is out of control it’s like he can’t get enough I’ve created a monster I was hoping afraid this might happen we need to shock the Beast back into his cage we

Got to push him over the edge I know what I have to do okay if I jump in Stan yes yes more More oh that is not supposed to be wow so we’re fully covered yes ma’am this is why it pays to have top-of-the-line butt Insurance Dark Star is there oh oh how do you you feel honey not great I guess I overdid it with the whole kinky thing huh oh Stan this is

All my fault what do you mean this was my idea you just wanted to be spanked no I pushed you to do something you were uncomfortable with when I should have just accepted that this is how you are sometimes people are repressed for a reason and once you start to unrepressed

Gates open and voila I never should have tried to change you honey I’m sorry and don’t worry Roger will be out proud of you soon they just paged the Asian doctor with the small hands well she’s in for a fight because I’m starting to like it in here Francine are you sure

You’re okay with going back to our normal sex routine you really don’t need to be spanked no honey all I need is You I am so glad you joined the team what made you finally do it oh just seemed like fun great game today Francy so glad you join join the team good girl that was a good play right on way to go according to my measurements it’s super cold out here what did you

Find I don’t know but I’m filled with professional curiosity oh you’ve been that way ever since Science school God I wonder what it is God quit it Francine Don’t Spray that crap near me it’s poison but it’s lemon scented it’s got vitamin C let me explain something to you babe this body is a temple no better than that it’s a church I keep this baby in pristine condition like a classic car I thought

It was a church vom vom vom vom this is a 1968 americanmade man top the line gorgeous ain’t he all original parts I even still have my baby teeth oh my God speaking of bodies they found mine your old human body I’ve been waiting for this news for years you see

I used to be an Olympic hold on clouse I’m recalling how clouse was an Olympic skier for East Germany in the 80s oh yeah I’m recalling how the CIA kidnapped him and switched his mind with a goldfish I was about to unveil a new ski jump technique the flippity Flop twice

The distance four times the risk I showed it to a ski buddy who tried it [Applause] himself hey hey it says here the CIA has taken custody of my body I want to ski jump again soaring through the air I’ve never been so happy so alive Stan please put

Me back in my body sounds like a hassle a hassle but this is my chance to be myself again Stan come on let clous have his body back what for You’ve Got It Made in that bowl all you got to do is float around all day eat and poo with

Wherever you want your whole life is like the last 20 years of Orson Well’s life you suck Stan I’d rather be dead and live like a goldfish anymore someone hand me that dustbuster this thing is never charged coolish worlden place hey clouse what up Roger what the hell is holy cow you

Really do have a gym up here hey guy interested in signing up for a trial membership Mr potential no I I don’t want a gym membership dude everyone needs a place to get their sweat on am I right you know it not to mention the lady is look at those

Bouncing boobers my man my man they are loving you so what would you consider to be your long-term workout goals I’ve literally never thought about that in my entire life great answer perfect man I can see you here so what do you think

Sign up for a 2E uh I I I don’t know I’ll think about it of course yeah look I’m not a hard sell guy I’m a Christian sign up don’t sign up doesn’t matter to me I just want to make sure you have every opportunity

To look and feel good okay thank it over health is wealth hey can you spot me how much I don’t know like 40 are you using again Carl yes all right well there’s extra in there get me some too just help clouse get his body Stan I

Don’t want to hear it anymore Francine the only thing I want to hear right now is The Sweet Sound of this Nickelback CD cracking as I drive over it repeatedly H Stan clous has been trying to kill himself for over a week please just put him back in his body

Fine you mean it really you guys come back now I want to live this is like something out of that alanos moriset song you know the one with the video where she looks even more slightly above average than Usual will you shut up we’re not supposed to be here sorry I’m just excited hey uh what’s going on I sent whitesman out for burritos and he came back with tacos instead cool hey I need that clous Heisler body that came in last week oh sure thing it’s right [Applause]

Here U what happened to all the ice yeah we needed it for margaritas we’re getting these girls drunk so we can kiss them this is all your fault if you had just taken me here last week when I asked you I’d be in my body but now it’s

Ruined I’ll never ski up again you completely boned me well usually you debone fish so I did good huh Sten are you okay you have to wake up we have to go Good Morgan Fish Face clous you son of a [ __ ] you switch us back right oh God oh my God I just

Pooped does it just float here why is my mind telling me to eat it you have not stopped picking your nose since we left the CIA I know it just feels so good to have a nose to pick and you left me so much to dig out

Nasty you know you’ll never get away with this oh yes I will I am going to enjoy life once again as a human and I’m going to enjoy watching you live as a fish Francine and the kids are never going to believe you’re me oh I’ve been

Watching you for many years Dan I’m sure I can fool them for quite a while hey I’m Stan Smith I love America and we’re number one no matter what wooo okay I admit it’s a pretty good impression but once I start talking they’re going to

Know hey Stan hey oh my God Claus is in Dad’s Body what no I’m Stan woohoo clouse what did you do where’s Stan oh my god listen I’m sure you’re pissed pissed you’re in my husband’s body and he’s in the body of a goldfish that’s hilarious

Totally Stan I know this may be hard to hear but you’ve been a jerk to K clouse forever you had this coming like hell I did and how dare you betray me like sheesh if it were only that easy to shut them up after seeing the help I get it

Stan you want a black maid wait clouse why didn’t you just switch into your body cuz your idiot father let it sit and rot now it’s all gross and decomposed it looks like Cameron Diaz without her Cameron Diaz mask so when are you going to switch back you

Obviously can’t stay like that of course of course I just want a couple of days to enjoy the things I haven’t been able to do in a while maybe I’ll go swimming well okay just a couple days don’t worry you’ll have your stand back soon you’re never getting your body back

Ever oh my stars what a day you have new messages when did I get an answering machine hey Steve how’s it going it’s Roger over at Roger’s gym just want wanted to follow up on your visit give me a shout when you can no press hope you’re well man steo Steve

Roger Roger’s gym Hey I was talking to my manager incredible deal just popped up thought of you holl at you boy call immediately Steve it’s Rowdy rdy Piper no I’m just kidding it’s Roger I’m just on a smoothie run wanted to see what you wanted I’ll just grab you the protein

Power blend meet you up at the gym at about 15 we’ll get the sign up out of the way ah you clipped me bro make that 20 bud I got clipped I’m okay not everybody’s okay actually actually if you could get the smoothies that’d be a

Big help and grab me a bagel would you you clip me Chief hey Steve hey I’m at the courthouse I’m not supposed to have my phone three people died in that accident they’re saying it’s my fault but it’s total crap anyway listen if you could just stop by the courthouse drop

Off those smoothies we could knock out that sign up I got the forms with me my manager said he’d throw in a couple of Pilates classes I’ve never seen him do that hey get off the phone what you say to me Steve it’s notnot turn on the news

Dude someone’s going berserk at the courthouse shooting everybody up Steve it’s Raj Raj the Dodge Charger I’m back at the gym listen my manager is freaking out about this deal I’m offering you I can hold him off for a couple few call me Steve steo man Stefan Ur even Steven St to St

Steven pick up the hi calling for Steven Smith hello Steve this is the girl that you like no clouse you bastard stop don’t you dare smoke that with my pretty pink lungs I like holding the smoke in my lungs until it’s completely absorbed into the cells stop that right now I forbid you

To damage my body it’s not your body anymore it’s mine and I’ll do what I want with it stop doing that to my body what about my body Stan I finally had a chance to get it back and you let it rot you think smoking is bad let’s really take this

Body out for a test [Applause] Drive [Applause] [Applause] nobody else push it Carl you weak piece of ass go oh I hate you so much lift it or I’ll plunge my fist into your sister there you go good job all right rest up we’ll do it again in a minute hey what up bro

Look Roger you got to stop calling me I’m not joining your gym what look buddy I’m not going to lie to you things are not going well for me wife’s leaving me got lawyer bills stacked up nobody’s rcking their weights I need this Steve real bad okay I am ready to go again

Done now Carl that’s Carl great guy knows a ton about old buildings so what do you say boss I’ll try a month great let’s get started medicine ball yeah feel that burn good morning ladies oh what a night we had such fun get away from me he violated my body

He I did horrible things I lost several virginities last night oh come on Stan your body looks fine he abused me he did drugs he had sex he paid a woman to pee on my body oh oh he beat up a cup and then somehow he

Paid off the cop and then he peed on me too wait who peed on you everyone oh stand’s full of it he just wants to get out of being a fish as you can see everything’s fine liar look at the tattoo he got see are those elephant tusks yeah see

Sten I told you people would get it clous what have you done to his body it’s not his body anymore Franny it’s mine but you said I know what I said I fed give my dad his body back punch in the face stay back well since The Jig Is up I’m going

To do the one thing I was destined to do break the world ski jump record with the flippity Flop oh God that move is suicide I can’t end up being just another decapitation on YouTube for the Arabs to spank it to let’s go stop them hey damn it I can’t do anything as

A fish dad are you sure you don’t want to wait for another body there aren’t any others now let’s go get my body back Stan I don’t think we have time for this do we Stan I know we have to stop clouse but can’t we roll down the windows or

Turn off the air conditioning no I need it as cold as possible in here so I don’t decompose any further but Claus’s body smells so bad I can’t take it oh that’s better I just farted haey fart it helps I’ll point the fan more to me

Happy how do you even know where clous is going well there’s only one ski area around that has one of those giant ski jumps Jump City you’ve seen the Commercials Jump City no I don’t think so Jump City whatever that’s where we’re going do you see clouse anywhere oh my God look at that jump there he Is ah this line blows hey let’s go up as singles no way I always end up sitting next to some total weirdo come on on I swear you’ll meet someone cool all right good I’m going skiing hi guys sorry about that hey close it’s me don’t do the jump oh God

He’s in my old body piss off Stan I’m doing this what are you looking at that guy has my body see this is his old body then the CIA made him a fish and then he stole my bud you were right man [Applause] sorry you know I was reluctant at first

But I’m actually kind of excited excited about building a better Steve and it couldn’t be more convenient well I’m almost there so I should hop no cell phones allowed in the gym thanks for not hanging up when I dowed you by accident Dame Judy Dench where you been you’re so late you

Take bqu make theivery what are you talking about bicc what happened to the gym oh Chinese restaurant much more profitable but I paid for a month membership I want my money back oh so sorry you don’t refine print on contract in a event Jim turn to Chinese restaurant you bicyc delivery boy I’m

Not delivering your Chinese food on a bicycle a what a bicycle a bicyc you’re right [Applause] Bicyc CL stop no waste stand I’m never going back in that bow but you could kill yourself in my body and what a way to go the speed the wind in your face and the flying oh the flying there’s nothing else like it in the World don’t even try it Clouse enough my leg leg is broken yeah Woo Dan you can make it listen to my body it knows what to Do I’m doing it whoa whoa what’s going on the flippity Flop the flippity Flop it works oh my God it is like flying jump sitting this must be what angels feel like hey hey congrats man that’s got to be a world record you’re not going anywhere punch in the Face you think we should have gone with him to the CIA to make sure there wasn’t another mixup why don’t you go to the CIA you’re the one with no job hey we’re home oh thank God hold it honey no hugging yet I’m still pretty sensitive after having all those tattoos

Removed but I’m not mad these last few days of living like a fish have given me a new appreciation for you Claus you used to fly and now you’re trapped in a bowl your life is harder than I ever imagined I am truly sorry I didn’t give

You more respect through the years and I vow to find you a new body so you can be human again thank you Stan that’s all I ever wanted when do you think it will happen probably never buddy Where the hell’s my Red Dawn DVD I told Steve to alphabetize these oh honey cut him a little slack he just started his first summer job why don’t I alphabetize them no I asked Steve to do this and he did a half-ass job it may not seem

Important but he needs to learn to do everything with his full ass Steve there you are I told you to alphabetize the DVDs and I can’t find Red Dawn dad can I unwind for a minute I’m walking in from a hard day at work hard day you work at a grocery store you

Know who actually works hard machines machines work nonstop for years I mean take my watch where’s my watch you left it in the hotel room in Orlando last spring wow you can go a long time without needing a watch Dad Red Dawn is right here it just

Got switched with red Sonia no I want you to re-alphabetize these switching isn’t alphabetizing what’s the difference they’re all in order now what’s the difference you do things the right way you have a good life you do things the wrong way you end up riding the rails what what does that even mean

It means do it the right way now if you’ll excuse me I have a father of the year award to accept and the papy goes to my man Stan Smith thank you Alan Thick this is amazing honey I told you I’m using the garage for my award show park on the street I am so sick of this crap Alan you’re ruining my Thing I’m sorry it’s over but it’s not you you know that right it’s not you it’s your body hey knock that off I’m dumping this girl and your sad music is making her cry uh I don’t think it’s the music buddy I do in fact I’m surprised your

Crappy playing hasn’t driven everyone in this place to tears oh yeah well why don’t you come up here if you think you can do better I don’t even play guitar but you suck so hard I bet I could be better than you in a week Donald it’s

Okay wait if you don’t play why are you wearing a Martin guitar t-shirt that’s cuz I’m a hipster dumbass we pretend to be stuff all right Mr hip meet me back here in a week and let’s see who’s better loser never shows his face in here again I’ll do you won better the

Loser never comes back here even in a mask see you in a week Mr hip see you in a week um Jamal your name’s Jamal but you’re white so is this really the first time you’ve had this conversation come on Jamal what do you think’s going on seems like everyone’s getting called into

Bullock’s office today uh-oh I know that cry either they’re making budget cuts or all our parents got in a car accident again Smith sir am I getting fired I wouldn’t say that I’d say sacked because that’s more what Austin Powers would say I do a great Austin power’s impression you’re

Sack baby but I’ve worked here 20 years you’re just eliminating the position oh no what you do is important I just found someone who will do it cheaper meet agent Gary Gary’s a half wit but he only costs half as much Gary stop rubbing the stapler on your

Pants so that’s it I’m out of a job just like that yep it’s pretty crazy how life can change so quickly here’s another example of how life can change so quickly hey hey am I in time for a show now I challenge some dick to a guitar

Duel now get out of here I need to practice go play in your attic if you don’t want an audience H stairs all right how hard could this be the shape is pretty self-explanatory Roger I thought you knew how to play the guitar I used to

But you know the part of your brain that deals with music I took some PCP and just destroyed it hey why don’t you order some DVDs from that Latin guy with the infomercials Lorenzo that’s genius Haley wonder how come I never have any great ideas I mean could it be the PCP

Well I don’t know let’s find out shoot left my lighter in the Attic H stairs you know Mr Smith I’d like to give you the job and the way you opened an entire pack of Starburst with your tongue was really impressive but I just don’t think you’re qualified but I’ve

Worked for the CIA for the last 20 years yes I see you put that on your resume but it’s not on your permanent record permanent record that’s a real thing well if it wasn’t how would I know that in fifth grade you tried to get out of a

Math test by putting a slice of pizza in your underwear and saying it was your period that’s on there all right first of all that never happened second of all it was a cal zone I’m sorry Mr Smith but with a permanent record like this no

One’s going to hire you oh you know what it must be my CIA work isn’t on there because it’s classified here talk to my boss hi this is Shawn over at Buffalo Wild Wings corporate I’m sorry to bother you but I’m sitting here with a Stan

Smith who claims he worked for you he he did oh is that right okay nice try but that was clearly one of your friends he gave me the old now that I told you I’m going to have to kill you Joke hi Stan you got to stop telling people Stay so according to my permanent record the last job I had was in college sweeping up hair working at a barber shop shows initiative Barber Shop it was a White Castle I finished raking all the leaves did you clean the gutters there was nothing in them then get a ladder

And go up and stuff the leaves in the gutters then clean the gutters but that’s they won’t always be clean you need to be prepared for that day full ass son fine I’ll do it after work wait Steve didn’t you say someone got fired at the grocery store Stan maybe you

Could take that job oh no no no uh dad doesn’t want that job it it’s entry level well I got to start somewhere yay I don’t have to get a Job hey Steve did you see that guy earlier buying condoms and now this lady’s getting tampons this day is crazy I didn’t know grocery stores were so sexy have fun you know that chick has sex dad come on we’re working hey Steve Rick just

Quck so how would you like to be the new assistant manager would I sir I’ve got so much more Workforce experience than Steve yeah but Steve’s been here a month so Steve here’s your huge key ring oh boy now I have access to the teeth whitening kits and all liquor over $40

Well congratulations Steve thanks Dad now go take the pieces of dead onion skin out of the shopping baskets this totally blows I worked for the CIA for 20 years you know you really got to put a sock in it Stan I don’t like your tune now when you’re done with this I need you to go count the tomatoes she’s why are you being so bossy cuz I’m your boss not if I quit yeah you think your permanent record looks bad now think how it’ll

Look if you quit your only job in 20 years quit in your dreams Steve they just delivered the butter one of your new responsibilities is to show the Baggers how to stock it yes sir I’m on it so we’re right behind the butter shelves whoa how long has this place

Been here get your jaw off the floor and start stocking and don’t let the butter sit on the ground too long because the fridge has put out some major heat got it it won’t fit you got to take it out of the crate dummy then you make it fit

Lay the butter like bricks with the labels facing out got it yeah I got it I earned a break I’ll be napping in the blood pressure chair what’s this oh sorry no start over and do it right oh that poor mentally disabled man I’m not mentally disabled well you don’t

Know how to stack butter So hey your guitar DVD came what the hell are you talking about you’re battling that guy in the coffee shop in two days oh my God that’s so important to me quick put it in the DVD player just skip to the first lesson I don’t have a lot of time to

Learn now it is your turn star with the g- cord W your finger like this he’s going too fast I’ll pause I think I got it ready yeah now it’s thrum ah it’s got me well I guess this is my hand Now I hate working at that store Steve just bosses me around the only good thing is that the stock boys are teaching me Spanish so that’s pretty kayot Gringo dad why on Earth did you make me take all of our spare light bulbs out of their boxes Stan is this

Just to get back at Steve for bossing you around at the store are you accusing me of being vend Ive Francine because I will destroy you besides there’s a reason I’m making him do all these things now take off your shoes and sweep up that glass take off my shoes take

Them off oh you’re in for it tomorrow Mister the regional manager’s coming for our review and I’m going to be busting your ass all day I’ll just call him sick I’ll tell them you’re faking and you’ll get fired then how will you support your woman how will you keep her glowing in such

Finery that’s right now you’re getting it no I’m not and there’s no way I’ll learn by tomorrow not learning fast enough what the hell how are [Applause] you I am Lorenzo AKA Old Scratch I can offer you a shortcut to guitar Mastery but it comes at an ironic price yeah

Yeah I’ll pay any price do you realize I’m the and and you’re making what is called a fan bargain right yeah sure sure sure really cuz you don’t sound like you understand the gravity of the ironic price yeah yeah yeah no it’s fine I mean I really have to crush this Punk

At the coffee shop he’s got this stupid little goatee oh enough enough I’m sure Jo reasons are terrific if you’re willing to pay with your soul wait my soul my Kia Soul how am I supposed to get to my shift at Dairy Queen Stacy it’s Roger hey can you cover

My 3 to 7 tonight oh my soul never mind hey are you going to Jake’s party Tom I got to say you hit a solid double here I’m just happy to get on base I make the baseball reference oh my God holy moly Stan what’s going on there’s butter melting

All over the place yeah I uh I could only fit one crate on the Shelf the rest is by the refrigeration exhaust Steve you were supposed to stand how to stock the butter yeah I sure could have used some supervision on that one what I showed you clearly not well enough and

I’m a sponge I was waiting for it this is not good Steve it’s just lucky no one got hurt Joshua I’m sorry Steve but I’m going to have to let you go but no buts now let’s have the apron it’s always hard to see a young boy tarnish his permanent record hold on this will be on his permanent record uh yeah he was assistant manager and he

Didn’t show you how to put the butter away that’s something every employer for the rest of his life is going to want to know yeah if he can even find a job oh god what have I done I showed him how to stock the butter and he did it wrong on purpose he

Got me fired but he still has his job right I can keep my finery you you have a lot of nerves showing your face here you’re right to be mad Steve and it’s worse than you think I got you fired and now it’s on your permanent record good

Lord my future he’s going to be riding the rails Stan it’s come to our attention that your sons run out of options the Army will take them get out of here you damn vulture thank you for your Service dad what are we doing at your old office well the CIA was able to keep my 20 years with them off my permanent record so they must have access to them okay but why’d you drag me along well I don’t have my badge anymore so I need

Your help getting into the building and how am I supposed to do that like This okay I just have to log in and see how they access the permanent records damn it they already deleted my password your password was one letter yeah it’s like super easy to remember that way well I guess this was a dead end or maybe we could go to the basement cuz

That’s where the permanent record department is this is deputy director bulock reminding you that secrets are meant to be kept now back to the elevator music Friday night it was late I was walking you home we got down to the gate and I was dreaming of the night it’s a permanent record Martin

Mcgaan pretended to pick up his dog’s poop but just grabbed at the air and kept walking wow they are on top of stuff come on let’s find yours here it is fired from grocery store for incompetent management don’t worry we’ll fix that and it was totally not Steve’s fault

There now to spice it up Steve Smith lost his virginity after a romantic Candlelite dinner on the beach he suggested taking things slow but she was voracious with an unquenchable sex thirst and he did a good job solid now let’s get out of here freeze sir we were just trying to repair

Steve’s permanent record he should be burdened for the rest of his life for something I did well that’s the system and when I send this downstairs you’ll be a virgin again master smith you’re in charge of the permanent records I play many roles here I also designed the company softball

Shirts it came to me in a dream daddy the bombs came it’s C4 Gary and I am not your father what about the detonators they came too I put them in in the bomb so Gary wouldn’t lose them did you set the timer on these uh-huh Gary making oatmeal almost

Ready good God you’re going to blow up this office we’ve got to get this C4 out of here uh-oh Steve throw me more bricks it’s just like the butter oh yeah go Dad yay oatmeal time Gary you’re fired Stan you got your job back thank you for saving Our Lives Smith actually you

Should be thanking Steve I was only able to stack the C4 so fast because Steve was so hard on me at the grocery store oh well well I just did that because you were such a jerk to me at home I’m not trying to be a jerk Steve I’m trying to

Save you from a life of riding the rails dad that’s just an expression tell that to Tony Lura he half ass it all summer on the grill at White Castle a lot of people got really sick actually then he just disappeared last anyone saw of him he was hopping the Union Pacific Line

With all of his possessions in a suck oh well thanks for looking out for me dad I sure wouldn’t want to end up like Tony Laura no you wouldn’t son and son that’s why you don’t want to end up like Stan Smith the White Castle employee who did

Everything right cuz what did he get him a government job fighting for so-called freedom from the confines of a cubicle well this is my cubicle and this is real Freedom you understand son yep the world is our Oyster they’re clapping cuz it’s [Applause] Over [Applause] what you get the drift I win listen buddy you clearly won but I really need this gig I tell you what you seem like a nice guy what if I let you keep playing here and you just cover the price of my lessons that’d be amazing then it’s a deal

Betrayed by my own daughter it’s a free country you know I forbade anyone in this family from ever eating in O shanahans again ever since they cut me off in the middle of all you can eat wings night it was for your own safety you vomited twice and we’re having

Severe heart palpitations I didn’t feel full the point is you broke a promise to your family family always comes first Haley I need something to soothe my jangled nerves Steve how about you put a smile on your your old man’s face and do the back seat

Shuffle a come on get yourself out of that seat belt so you can really give those shoulders room To Shimmy there we go sh shake shake shimmy slipping and sliding oh I just got to get my groove on when I’m in the backseat riding I shim I’m rocking the upolstery almost

Every how how could we have let this happen what’s the big deal it’s just some dumb old mural whoa I I I feel a little feel a little woozy this mural has been a langly Falls institution since 1982 I’m just going to rest my head on this bit of Filth here on the

Concrete depicting a Pantheon of great Americans Abraham Lincoln Ronald Reagan Jesus Nolan Ryan Schneider from one day at a time in celebration of loyalty integrity and honesty three virtues that can be summed up in one simple word loin integy a trait you clearly don’t have that’s it at this very moment one thing

And one thing only matters this mural must be restored don’t you need to sign up to speak at the Town council meeting me no I’m very well known in this community hey it’s that guy who pooped his pants in O Shanah hands fellow citizens have any of you

Driven down old Chickasaw Road recently probably not ever since they shut down that White Castle where all those Jehovah’s Witnesses got murdered there hasn’t been much reason to but if you had you would have seen this our Town’s most cherished Landmark sullied violated raped okay okay too far maybe maybe not

Raped but definitely molested that mural is our greatest treasure a Clarion called in Brush and Hue to Aspire to our better selves it’s where I got my first handy J our love of the mural has been reignited mural mural mural but loving the mural is not enough unless it’s

Restored future Generations will be denied its message of lgy and go astray like my very own daughter this is why you brought me here look if we’re going to restore the mural maybe we could add some diversity like say replace Schneider with Harriet Tubman did Harriet Tubman sign

Autographs for 15 minutes at Panini bar this this is why I’m proposing the creation of a mural restoration task force a team of our City’s finest artists and Craftsman to be led by me the man who crapped himself at oce Shanahan stand stand Standi did you ever think you’d have a son and be going to one of the most exclusive non-segregated clowning acmy on the Atlantic Seaboard no no I did Not the teacher here is supposed to be the most intense and demanding instructor in all of clowning and [ __ ] it’s Roger isn’t it it’s going to be Roger all right jagoffs the name’s HJ rimn look to your left look to your right by the end of the semester 60% of

You will be dead by your own hand the rest will be clowns You Dig okay I’m out of here huh I’m I’m a little confused because you said here on your application you wanted to be a clown more than anything so what’s your gu gu

Is horn corn for clown name horn corn is horn corn for clown lingo going to be honking a lot of horn corn around here you dig so what’s your gu kid dimples dimples pretty buckety gu don’t you think more horn corn relax just slide in your whistle why don’t you show us what

You got I uh come on man no pressure just lay a little jape on these cats whatever you got no Big fart was a nice touch smells too ladies and gentlemen we could be looking at the next EMT Kelly of sucking oh that’s right you nut licking little turds I ain’t here to hold your hands I’m here to play mind games and emotionally abuse you into being clowns that’s clown you

[ __ ] hey Dad where’s the rest of the task force we had our team building dinner at Benny H’s blew the whole budget had to let him go you know I got to admit it’s pretty cool you’re doing something for the community this town ows you one Stan

Yeah well I guess I’ll let you get to it good luck dad all right let’s start by getting the grime off the old cheeks dab dab dab oh n smudging just a little bit no problem no problem just need to even it out easy easy okay now that’s really starting to

Smear well I can just freehand that jawline back into shape might as well really get in there with some 409 then and there goes the face that’s okay that’s okay got to get worse before it gets better let’s get the old rillo pad in on the a

Okay I think we’re getting back on track Now dad you look nervous did everything turn out okay with the mural what yeah I I mean yeah yeah I think so I think I mean sure yeah they’re not great why I mean definitely without any further Ado I give you your fully restored mural how could you have done this Stan but Stan loved that mural it was his daughter who had it out for Schneider what Stan did say she lacked L Integrity I bet she did this for hippie reasons yay yeah Dad stand up for me tell them I didn’t do It dad Haley sugar Blossom pumpkin dumpling daddy’s little sugar frosted raspberry Maple Fritter leave me alone the whole town hates me because you lied to cover up for your own stupid mistake AK that’s true and I know what it’ll take to make things right ice

Cream I want to fight you come on fight me fight me I didn’t do it dad tell them the truth the truth this is the best damn ice cream in the Tri County Area y I can hold the hero up all by myself I’m Country Strong well kid you suck seated beautifully at being God awful is the opposite of what I think psych you stink and I hate you now get this through your skull man cuz I don’t play Mind Games you will never be a clown you got potential kid and you

Can’t teach that you know what I host a little Retreat every summer at my house on Black Island for just a handful of my most promising students no real structure we just honk a little buffoonery lay some Japes blow each other you know clown stuff and I think

You could make the cut really if you push yourself to the absolute limit y I got to take this it’s my accountant you know a accountant he’s got this giant calculator that only ever adds up to boobs pretty funny but frankly I think he’s been stealing from

Me now I know you’re still upset I can’t even show my face in this town anymore well I’ve taken care of that you confess to the town that you were the one who ruined the mural better I’ve converted the garage into Haley’s Hideaway now you’ll never have to leave the house or

Want to Dad this is the single worst you’re not racking up high scores on your sweet Soprano’s pinball machine you can Groove to some hot tunes on your top-of-the-line SEL boom box with mega base you’re still like Warren right I don’t recall ever having Dad how can you be so Selfish Well kid you did it you pushed yourself to the absolute limit so when’s the retreat H you were never going on the retreat I was just using you to motivate Gumdrop Gumdrop you really got my attention when you made that banana disappear hello is this the North American Federation of clowning

Academics well I’d like to file a report an instructor uh well he he hit me Haley honey you were right it’s time I finally did the one simple thing I should have done from the very beginning and ether says what don’t worry baby girl you’ll be

Able to show your face again once you have a new face I’ve seen Dr whitesman do this tons of times at work how hard can it be all right let’s start by reshaping the old eyes tap tap tap oh eyeballs bulge in just a bit no problem no problem just

Need to even it out easy easy okay that one really came out well might as well really get in there with a scalpel then and there goes the face that’s okay that’s okay got to get worse before it gets better let’s get the old Brillo pad in on the

Action okay think we’re getting back on track now you made me a monster oh it’s not that bad all you need is the right hat is that Eva Marie Saint standing in my garage how could you do this to me I I need to get away from this town I need

To get away from you Haley you shouldn’t drive you’re acting all crazy damn it o Shanah hands I just fixed her face I’m afraid Haley is in what we call a super coma but at least she’s not in any pain right oh quite to the contrary

The only part of her brain that’s still functioning are the pain receptors leaving her in a Perpetual state of searing Agony now if you’ll excuse me I have to take a doctor poop in the doctor Bathroom what’s up you may have them fooled doctor but not me fine it’s me Haley what I thought you were a nurse trying to pass yourself off as a doctor how can this be when I saw what my dad had done to my face it was the final

Straw I became consumed by one goal and one goal only Revenge so I pretended to drive off in hysterics and faked my accident then it was just a matter of blackmailing Dr whitesman into actually reconstructing my Face and recruiting Jeff to play the part of poor komos Haley now I’ll have a front row seat to watch my dad suffer racked with guilt as I describ to him every day just how much pain his darling daughter is in you will keep my secret right clous absolutely I too desire to

See Stan suffer you see just last week I asked him if he’d give me not on my comic strip idea and you know what he said to me well I have to go to work right now but I’d be happy to take a look later happy to take a look later Revenge

Will be Ours where’s he going he’s not feeling guilty at all he is back at work on that stupid mural and he’s hired Langley’s most accomplished artist the guy who paints the frescos at Olive Garden looks like the grand unveiling is this Saturday that’s the way to make him

Suffer we’ll blow up the mural at the unveiling he’ll be devastated and revenge will at last be mine wait clous where did you get those binoculars are those ashlin’s binoculars my old American Girl doll she can lend her stuff to whoever she wants Dr Mon Christo what are you doing here

Oh you might say I have a great personal interest in the fate of this mural okay the unveiling is sure to be an explosive event yep hey hun I brought you some chicken soup for lunch oh Dr Monte Cristo would you like some too actually Mrs Smith I prefer gaspacho a dish like

Revenge best served [Laughter] cold all right I’m out if everyone would please have a seat we can begin the Proceedings okay everybody we don’t have all Day gentlemen you don’t stop doing bits we’ll never get out of here now Mr rimn this isn’t the first time you’ve been accused of hitting a student but it is the first time I didn’t actually do it may I retract that statement you’re hereby stripped of your clown teaching license looks like you

Won Kid meeting adjourned fellow citizens it’s time this whole mural Fiasco was made right okay on my mark Mar three so at long last two I finally give to you one My Confession wait abort abort Goofus MC doof sends his regards yes it was me not Haley who ruined the mural I was so scared of losing my status as a hero to all of you that I betrayed my own daughter but then I saw her in that coma and ever since my

Only hope has been that this Monumental confession might somehow reach through to her and bring her back to Me see what your dad did Honey squeeze my hand if you can hear me Mrs Smith if you don’t mind I need to rec catheterize your daughter’s penis sure sure whatever Oh Daddy still got it no Dad it’s me Haley Haley baby girl you’re all right oh I’m so sorry can you ever

Forgive me hey what you did up there showed a lot of Loy integy so I don’t think people need to see a monument to your Eternal shame every time they drive down old Chickasaw Road why why would anyone want to destroy my Auto [Laughter] Zone so you think you’ll end up getting your

Old face back I don’t know probably and remember ladies and gentlemen Bell jar papers are due Friday no exceptions Jenna that means you hey babe she’ll be home in about 10 minutes you know what make it 20 I got to say hi to an old friend that’s right I’ve returned as an IT

Style evil clown named glad hands thirsting for Revenge that’s glad hands with a z I’ll haunt your every dream until finally I lure you into the depths of the sewer and to your doom uh-huh and how are you going to do that then um get in the

Sewer I’ll level with you Steve I didn’t think this through I caught wind on LinkedIn of how well you were doing out here and I I guess I just kind of lost it next thing you know I’m filing my teeth down to points and climbing into a

Sewer drain I’ll be straight with you Steve I need your help both financially and just you know to get out of the sewer how long ago did he walk away oh quite a while ago then you shall inherit the curse of glad hands you’ll never be free of

Me Stan a new gym opened up on Oak Road they’re offering a free onewe trial they have a pool all new equipment and a designated area for Old Men to blow dry their balls you had me at old men’s balls that was the last thing I said and

The best I can’t wait to commit to a new healthy lifestyle what you never commit to anything you’re a dad dabbler mom yeah I’m a dabbler and now I’m thinking about dabbling and committing you know when a Gym’s trying to get you to sign up they’ll do anything to keep you happy

But once you join you’re just some guy paying 60 bucks a month to have a place to stop and take dumps on the way home from work so that’s why you never go at home I was beginning to think you were a Westworld I love gym towels each one is the perfect size to dry one limb I’m going to make a ton of towel swans sir you have to pay for those muscle milks doing the free trial my man hey that’s enough of that where do they go before the invention of the high five

Man searched in vain for a satisfying way to celebrate Victory everything changed in 1977 with the first ever recorded high five oh the high five not to toot my own horn but I invented that invented by Glenn Burke and Dusty Baker What Glenn and I were at Dodger Stadium and we

Stumbled upon this perfect hen thing that changed the world lies I invented the high five after passing my drug test at the 1974 Junior Olympics not according to this IFC documentary IFC IFC are liars don’t call yourself the independent film Channel and then air A Very Brady sequel hang on clous what are

You angry about IFC or the high five thing oh the high five I invented that not according to IFC oh don’t get me started on IFC so what are you going to do today probably cool down at the pool release some towel swans wonder where they go if

You want results you got to stick to your routine whoops your free trial is over let’s just sign you up for a paid membership catch you in there oh yeah yeah of course let me just get my credit card out of my pocket You were right to add HBO Latino Jeff Schindler’s List is much less sad when it’s in Spanish un un much just because I don’t want to go to the gym doesn’t mean you can’t but I was really liking going together guess I can’t go at all so unfair wait a second

Are you using me as an excuse to stop going to the gym that’s ridiculous is it Mom it kind of sounds like Ceramics class all over again I only quit that class because your dad couldn’t get hard if my hand smelled like clay okay how about when you were going to learn

Spanish but then you quit because your kids only speak English and you wanted to be able to understand them I wanted to communicate with my kids take me away officer yeah I was pretty bum when you quit riding your one woman show Mrs S I told you I haven’t lived the ending yet

That just seems like another excuse you know Mom it sounds like Dad has a good point it is a good point Steve said it too hear that hun I made a good point about you being a quitter me Stan Smith good point Guy come on kids I say good

You say Point good point good point good point good point fans please welcome the Beloved inventor of the high five toothpick Enthusiast Dusty Baker wow I am so L to see how the worlds embraced my little iconic gesture liar liar I invented the high five whoops sounds like someone had a little

Too much to drink please how can anyone get drunk paying $4 of beer it’s half my disability check just to catch a buzz I’m sorry are you mad about the price of beer or the origin of the high five oh the high five I invented that It’s okay folks the high five is such a natural expression of joy that people want to claim ownership but truly it belongs to all of [Applause] us listen you seem like a good guy why don’t I have you over for a drink sort this all out buddy I don’t drink I get

Wasted yeah I’m a piss on your futon Sigma K jacket material satin’s Always In Style lining satin’s always popular font obviously lever and Shirley Shadow bold and Order 3 weeks well I’ll just stay Busy Dad can’t you see I’m busy every time I don’t see any need to bring insurance companies into this Francine what’s wrong with you did my good point crush your spirit you’re making me feel terrible about my new jacket ja get out oh yeah good point gay

What are you kidding me really what time is it I got to get back to the gym but you quit the gym I wrote a whole jacket about It boner from body body give boner beautiful body give baby boner oh Mommy St okay explain well as much as it hurt you did have a good point I tend to quit things and I want to change that so I decided to stick with the gym and my

Trainer Jackie has been helping me push past my limits are you even listening to me yeah yeah you said Lackey blind be mes master your glits now let’s screw was so powerful Francine so special I trust it put an end to those nasty rumors my jacket’s been

Spreading what are you doing I’m heading back to the gym no but stay here though Stan I have to go it’s a leg day I called the gym and they said it’s a bed day honey human blanket don’t go you can play blanket Stan I promised myself I can’t miss my workouts

That was a hot slam Francine hey Steve what’s up your mom just gave me a hot slam do you feel the house move I’m just trying to walk down the hall everything’s gold that classy son of a [ __ ] Cloud the fish from the game thank you so much for coming to my home now listen here Dusty toothpick for your lamb everything tastes better with just a hint of tree who cares I want to talk about the high five I invented it not you are we clear I guess we’ll just

Have to agree to disagree it’s like Tina Turner said to me stop you know Tina Turner she’s a dear dear friend tell me right now did you smush her clouse a gentleman never tells but I will say if I high-fived her in an elevator it was simply the best who is

This what is that where was that there Francine Roger who the hell parked their van in the truck drive way oh that’s Jackie Francine’s gym friend oh there’s another muscle lady in the house yes there is and she’s a man well sort of in pursuit of the perfect bikini front I

Trained my penis to permanently recede into my body how far out the back it looks like he has a tail show him Jackie frine Francine we need to talk sure but could you hop on my back I need more resistance okay Francine I get it good job I don’t

Think you’re a quitter anymore now that you’ve proven me wrong can you quit I’m not trying to prove anything to you this is for me but it’s affecting everyone the house is a mess every meal is some gross shake and the last three family movie Nights have been P90X workout

Videos I’m so distracted I didn’t even ask Roger why he’s dressed like a park ranger and you just know it’s something cool well I’m not quitting Jackie and I just entered the L fault bodybuilding competition so what you’re just going to keep doing this forever yes yes of

Course I can get Francine to quit let’s not forget she’s a quitter at heart she didn’t even get around to stuffing her Build-A-Bear and remember her one woman Show I just want things the way they were all she needs is a little setback like say if you and I were to beat them in the bodybuilding competition how are we going to do that she’s been training for weeks it won’t be easy transforming your body will take dedication no time

For family or friends I am talking total sacrifice I’m talking no sweets Stan I’m in did you hear the part about no sweets yes that means no cookies you little Cookie Monster Roger sorry I had to test your dedication now I have to test how much steroids you can take in your

Neck Dusty I got to say these have been some of the best days of my life I can’t believe I was mad at you about the high five cuz now you’re like my best friend my man can I get a high five Dusty ow what are you doing I stole

It from you I was at the Junior Olympics when you invented the high five it was so beautiful I had to make it mine what you know how hard it is to be a famously nice guy when I’m constant ly reminded that my greatest accomplishment is a lie

Without the high five I’m just a highly respected athlete who transitioned perfectly into a vibrant and fulfilling second act as a leader of men that still sounds pretty good to you the great genius don’t you see I hurt so I decided to hurt you first by showing you

Everything that should have been yours and now by taking away everything you’ve got a you already have the only great thing I ever did what more can you take well I could start with your accent now I am German sounding what z i take your whole fish

Idea who is the fish now finally I steal from you the ability to breathe Underwater well I think we both saw that Coming give it up for Jan and Jim Lopez who’s who hard to tell but fun to guess arms up pull it down and a girl Francine you’re so big you think she’s big excuse me I’m trying to if I could just get past thank you Johnny sorry I thought you were someone

Else excuse me sorry Stan that was definitely Johnny we had sex pardon me sorry where was I oh yeah you think she’s Big T boom rat braid ready to quit I cannot believe you would do this just to get me to quit well it’s only going to make me

Try harder you just woke the dragon I’m sorry I don’t know what a dragon is please welcome Stan Smith and Tammy two-piece I’ve been watching you like the in you my [Applause] [Applause] I should tell I let you know That ladies and gentlemen is what langly bodybuilding is all about you’ll never beat that we can do this no limits we’re losing them let’s spell it out for them AB [Applause] foret you can’t hold that pose forever oh yes I can I’ll never [Applause] a new vein gross and the judges love it I’m absolutely losing my mind [Applause] here are we about to see the world’s first brain Flex Francine’s extreme exertion during the competition caused her to have an aneurysm she’s in a coma this is totally my fault if only I hadn’t strong armed my way into that bodybuilding competition sir please stop posing I can’t this is shaking me to the core St snap out of it don’t you understand

Franny’s in trouble Roger snap out of it these machines are keeping her alive is she going to live well that depends is she a fighter hell yeah she is or a Quitter a quitter that’s an interesting word to choose given uh it’s been a recent uh bone of contention uh between me and my wife are you guys on drugs very much yes an incredible amount yes she’s unresponsive but it doesn’t mean she’s not in there it all began when I was

15 I begged my mom for a drum kit and she got it for me I was going to be the world’s best female drummer big drum big drum middle one little one foot drum metal thing metal thing no mistakes that was my dream but instead of practicing I

Got real high but this isn’t about drugs this is about me quitting and I quit everything two years later I wanted to become a chef Chop Chop Sizzle Sizzle working at Applebees is not as glamorous as it’s dropped up to be I quit y soy yo soy Tois too much how do

You say quit in Spanish I don’t know are you getting it yet so when I started bodybuilding I made a promise I wouldn’t quit but guess what my body quit on me isn’t that the most Fran thing you ever Heard Pacman game over sound now that my body’s given up maybe it’s time for my spirit to quit too this is [ __ ] who’s heckling me I’m trying to end this it’s not over Stan I’m sorry I made you feel bad about quitting quitting not so bad it

Means you have a curious mind and you want to taste everything life has to offer plus you never quit me even though you probably should have I do stupid stuff you do do stupid stuff shut the up oh Francine I can’t lose you I need you

Stan I got to end my show don’t do it don’t go if you all think this Show’s coming to some exciting conclusion you haven’t been paying attention it ends like everything ends with me quitting being in a coma jeez a little warning next time Francine she’s awake

Mommy I’m sorry it’s time to pull the plug and end this morbid charade your wife is never going to oh she woke up I did it again I saved a life yes but some sad news earlier today Dusty Baker drowned in a giant Fishbowl of his own Creation class meet our new student snot lonstein now don’t treat him any differently because he’s Jewish and poor or because his thirsty mom gave me big skank vibes okay go sit down honey I’m also allergic to nuts well lucky for you you clearly don’t have any I mean the

Way I’m just dunking on you up here everybody take out pencils and practice your letters whoa you can’t even afford a pencil my grandma has one I’m supposed to get it when she dies but I’m good mine never runs out of ink well if it does I have bigger problems you can have

One of mine thanks I got you pal from here on out it’s going to be you and me forever wow that’s a weird thing to say to someone you’ve just met but thanks again thanks I blew most of my tokens on ski ball and the rest were taken from me

At gunpoint in the men’s room I got you pal hey nin Steve bucks check out the sick new redesign oh you fixed that typo that said in Steve we thrust yep and as always you can trade these in for whatever you need from me food cash some

Of those Glade plugins you like to pass off as alone thanks A little dab of Hawaiian Breeze behind my ear not only smells great it’s also the closest I’ll ever get to the Caribbean hey want to kick my ass at Frogger can’t my mom

Asked me to pick up dinner so I got a hit up Burrito Barn if I throw up on the salad bar they usually toss it all in the dumpster then it’s just me versus the crows well I don’t want to step on your dinner plans but why don’t you guys

Come eat at our house like in the basement from a trough no no at the kitchen table with us like the family on the TV show Dinosaurs no Way I got to say Francine your salad dressing is amazing I can’t stop eating it I don’t even care if it goes straight to my ass so sweet of you to say that my mom makes everything from scratch come on eat up I’m actually pretty good Steve right a to go

Plate parts of palm fruit leather how you doing on Easter egg coloring kits Steve I don’t think they need Mom don’t make this weird they have nothing so Esther Steve says snot’s birthday’s coming up where to party at probably pervert Park it’s always empty except for the pervs but it’s free

Although with the pervs comes an emotional price nonsense have your party here we have a pool a barbecue almost no perves almost thank Steve please you would do the same thing for me if the Salvation Army shoe were on the other foot ah Orange Julius proof God loves us

Hey Roger where’d you get that secret menu baby go to any Orange Julius in the world and ask for it Julius style and they’ll just give you a big bowl of chicken gizzards have you ever considered modeling every day I think you all have what it takes to be models

Mall fashion show what a joke Jeff is excited you guys are idiots those are just flyers for a lame Mall fashion show I’m going to be a supermodel W what the hell is anyone else seeing this there’s no room there’s no it doesn’t work that way you almost killed me now slap this

Out of my hand why models can’t drink this stuff we’re going to be on strict diets right after [Applause] this now we’re models I just want to be a single dad with a Kush job selling live bait what oh sorry Barry I just can’t get over snot’s pants yeah they really showcase

That popping apple bottom no how’ he suddenly afford new pants I hope he’s not camming again although he is very good at it you beat me again oh game over huh need some Steve bucks nah I’m good but I am hungry let’s get some pizza on

Me snot never pays for pizza where’s all this money coming from who cares just be happy for him oh sure absolutely no one’s rooting for that guy more than me but what the hell could we maybe just sit in silence Steve I have a ripping headache we’re talking in circles and I

Just really want to focus on waiting for the pizza wow two large wallet Busters and here are some tubs of our delicious new dipping sauce I’m sorry Mr snot I’m a really big fan of your mom’s sauce would you mind giving me your autograph sure might as well get used to

It snot’s mom’s mom sauce yes finally a big get for Carl I quit Daddy I’ll see your ass in hell what’s going on snot guys can we please not make a big deal out of this we’re loaded my mom started selling her own dressing and pizza Overlord is using it

As their new dipping sauce in every location NOP no mine it’s just like my mom’s dressing this is my mom’s dressing yeah it’s my mom’s take on it okay and I guess Ice Ice Baby is just Vanilla Ice’s take on Queen’s Under Pressure yeah my mom took something and

Made it better just like vanilla ice did well Mr A1A Mr beachfront Avenue this dressing your mom made is no brand new invention yay now work in the line grab a hold of me tightly look all I know is things are going well for us and I won’t

Have to mooch off of you anymore in fact you can have all your steeve bucks back oh now you don’t need me because your Mom stole my mom’s dressing that’s really great snot so logistically how do those Steve bucks work do you give them back to him

In exchange for money couldn’t he just give you the money in the first place you know what it’s not my business listen up fools it’s Taco Tuesday and snot lonstein is no longer the poorest person in school let’s give it up for Mr Ames the math teacher don’t

You look at me you [ __ ] 1 + 1 equals youw where is snot probably at home crying trying to write me an apology letter feeling off wow Jewish Jaden Smith I love your mom’s sauce oh if it isn’t the little sauce Prince surprised you’re not at home

Covered in sauce making out with your mom oh you’re still hung up on that yeah I’m still hung up on it I’m also thinking about hanging up my birthday party planning apron oh you thought I was still having it at your house we’re recreating the Bellagio Fountains on the rooftop of the Langley

W Hotel but what about our plan to use my house how about the guests Park on your lawn and the shuttle bus drivers can [ __ ] in your bathroom does that work for you snod what’s up young bull is this little chicken head giving you problems oh hey while I’m looking out

For you can I borrow your hoverboard losing that gout battle today keep it I got three more at home youo oh check me out skanks LS is riding dirty I’m going to go over here Now okay I’ll say it that was flawless I don’t know how not to nail it so easy to do things when we’re beautiful if you guys are done sucking each other off which is of course a huge part of morling I can tell you we’re nowhere

Near M fashion show level what do you know about it I yank it to Vogue magazine every day no days off I know no days off it’s hard to be yeah what I’m doing okay we agree you’re the expert so everyone great job barely eating I think we deserve a treat Jeff

Snap snack wagon laxatives and cotton balls I can’t I had two cotton balls today already I’m disgusting Roger how do you eat everything and not gain any weight good jeans I guess # blast # tapeworm Focus sure we’re killing it in this attic but we need to practice

Working a crowd before our big gig at the mall they need to be Discerning sophisticated a crowd of tast makers the chimdale used jet ski shows this weekend that is what we are doing who makes mom sauce I make Mom sauce SN mom’s mom sauce vegetables and pizza crust you’ll

Love my Mom’s sauce they do snots mom’s mom sauce that name sucks the big one I think it’s cute her mom name is snot’s Mom and as his mom she’s made the sauce for everyone it’s a mom friendly sauce G they stole your recipe why aren’t you more upset snot’s mom

Didn’t steal anything from me my salad dressing recipe sure Esther let me get my recipe book found my recipe card ready partially hydrogenated oil of course I’ve never made homemade dressing who has time for that I put in a full eight hours of HGTV a day all

This time our family dressing was just Newman’s Own Ranch but how I I I I don’t just let it go Steve it’s not our recipe the good news is you have nothing to be mad it’s not about what the my mom’s homemade window pane yeah about that

Congratulations you made the cut to snot bagio bash at the dou this isn’t water at all it’s glow by Jennifer Lopez it’s a nice Touch remember we are here to learn how to work a crowd so keep it tight but also very loose go now I know how scary it is to be a record I wonder my baby loves that chicken nood SO waiting in Long L for that newly invented chicken soup got to get that

Sweet sweet sweet sugary [Applause] Soap I’m modeling work it St make us want to bang that thing yes yes sir you can’t B not see Do check it out I’ve got a hologram of Prince tiny little sey as you can see this party is pretty crunked Steve I’m glad you made it things were a little weird the other day I wasn’t sure you were coming what I wouldn’t miss this what the hell happy

Birthday nobody steals recipes from Paul Newman and gets away with it what who are you we’re Newman’s Own copyright protection unit where are you taking my mom to Newman’s Own women’s Own Prison oh no no no no you you can’t take her you’re just supposed to take her money her son has

No one else what step ahead of you child protective services yeah we got a pickup for you no don’t call them my SP honey are you the abandoned child I guess so I haven’t really had time to process it we are child protective services and you need to get on the ground

Wait a minute are you Lindsay Lohan that’s right don’t do Drugs what were you thinking I didn’t know this would happen I just wanted things to go back to normal when snot was poor and he looked at me like a god H not sure I like the way he feels in my arms yeah yeah that’s awkward as hell

You’re right honey we should do that wine seller instead we’ll give him a home Steve what are you doing here I told you it’s you and me forever now come to Stevie H let me just nope wow you are sort of awkward have you had a scoliosis screening yep got it

Bad first off thank you for choosing adoption most couples especially smoking hot ones like yourselves insist on having biological children um we’re not a couple I’m a child you think that six could bag this dime Steve Smith what a coincidence says here you’re the reason snot’s here in the

First place what Steve tipped off Newman’s Own about your mom’s dressing so they arrested her and turned you over to us I knew it you couldn’t stand seeing me and my mom on top for once so you made sure we lost everything we ever head that’s not true and and you still

Have me you’re dead to me so if you two are’t dating does that mean you’re single who are you asking whoever wants to answer I’m so sorry for everything Mrs lonstein I’m sure s told you what happened no is he okay I use my phone

Time to get on L line Dr Drew has has amazing advice on dating prison guards he says do it get some if you can that’s uh good advice are you okay when I said I hadn’t talked to snat that was a little bit of a fib you’re dead sucker cover the

Camera you separated this family and I’m going to do the same thing to your body and your dick I need another shiv please remember the oath you took as a prison guard and protect my dick you want this shave it’s going to cost you two bottles what the hell is that Mrs Lin’s

Toilet wine everybody loves it you make wine in a toilet I do I also make dark chocolate in my underwear that’s just a gross joke you got to laugh to stay sane in here by the way the warden would like a case of your toilet wine for his son’s

Christening yeah then tell him I want a sushi Pizza you want a Sushi Pizza I could get you one people will do anything for my toilet wine huge pass on the fish pizza but I have an idea how to get you out of Prison nobody steals my Lin’s toilet wine Lin’s toilet wine it’s okay to drink from the toilet on steen’s toilet wine is a division of Newman’s Own Industries isn’t that your mom’s fancy wine you must be so rich actually no my mom had to give it all to Newman’s Own

To get out of jail so you’re not rich yeah he is wo is this real money well it’s more a currency of friendship you guys are Chads but just in case George Soros follows through on a scheme to destabilize the dollar Soros say have I been too generous with

These I’m still mad at you Steve but you are a hoot I’m so sorry for everything I did I was just scared of losing you scared I thought you were jealous that for once I had more money than you no I thought I was going to lose your friendship see I’ve always

Been your sugar daddy and when you got your own sugar I was worried you wouldn’t want to hang out with Daddy anymore that’s crazy you’ll always be my daddy I know everyone says this but kids really do talk different these days friends best friends oh look it’s

Nutless and lisp boy were were you our kindergarten teacher I don’t know is your mom still a skank enjoy your food it’s the beginning of a new season could this season change things for you could it be your season yes I believe it could well I got laughed out of the

Library again what’s wrong my boy it’s my soft ass library card nobody takes me seriously with this flimsy thing a relatable problem Naomi at the reference desk asked if I took it for a swim I tried countering with a Jocko joke but I’ll give you oneing guess how

That went No this must be laminated why don’t we have to come help Steve get his douchy Liberty card laminated library library card we should be taking him to a speech therapist hey look there’s a langly copy print in Office services let’s just go there where laminating is at best third

On the list lumped in with God knows what so Services no we need to go where the job will be done right little Colombia nobody laminates like a Colombian you’re about to see true Masters practice their craft flat plastic without a bubble in sight I mean some bubbles they’re not wizards but let

Me tell you those edges never curl well over time sure oh we’re here I had no idea there was a Colombian District in Langley oh it’s a thriving Community brimming with the sounds and flavors of authenticity these bowls here are handmade in the town of boaka and look

There’s a festival today Fool’s Day something’s always Happening Here In the Land of a thousand rhythms Dad how do you know so much about Colombia did you do a mission there or something no I I read about it in a a magazine cool oh oh you need the name of the magazine to

Make it more believable to you I’ve already stopped thinking about it fine look the truth is I do know about Colombia for that country changed the very core of who I am it turned me from an arrogant flashy razzled dazzler to the humble and hardworking agent that I am today that

Sounds worse it’s a cautionary tale I’ve never shared it’s okay we’re really just focused on finding a laminating guy but I think I may finally be ready the story of my time as a young agent in Colombia starts right it was the height of the drug war what about my library card as

You know I cut my teeth in the Miami Field Office of the CIA wait Miami I thought you were talking about colia Miami is not colia I know that don’t you think I know that there’s a place between here and Colombia called Miami here comes the drop looks like they’re trolling for some

Blowfish cargo is on board we’ll monitor enter the delivery and then flying on a jet ski Smith this isn’t our mission save your mission for the nuns cuz I’m A Stone Cold Sinner screw it let’s nail these creeps We got it c i yes me this baby my heart is full of love and for You we did the job with style but never lost sight of the mission that was all you today Smith I love your passion man I love it and I love it and I love your fashion it’s like I say man I like doing good and looking even better and we never did the

Drugs well we know Dow kicked ass yesterday the objective was to track the Smugglers into Miami and figure out their distribution process not launch a surprise jet ski attack I wasn’t surprised bull settle down boys this is a map of downtown Miami sorry I don’t settle down I get down

We know where El NCO is and by now he knows we mean business I say we Walt into his compound and I’ll straight up tell elarco no blow north of Mexico yes I guess Smith’s action movie ideas haven’t gotten us killed yet right let’s do

It and so I was on my way to Colombia to confront El Narco I would need a translator but more than that I would need some extra pleated baby blue slacks to SL lied over my extra extra bikini cut Kelvin Klein underwears because when you look good you find good

Translators after which I translated chomsky’s syntactic structures and received the Leonard Bloomfield award yeah but how many chicks have you slept with Smith he’s clearly qualified qualified to make us look like a bunch of ass butts look at his suit we can’t be seen in public with this guy next

Aloha oh yeah that was before we really knew each other yes so sorry Roger this is a story that doesn’t include you wow so you’ve never put it together that you know what I’m just going to sit back and enjoy the story I’ll say it again Aloha someone called for a laminator actually

A translator close enough I’ll take it ah jeez I thought there was an elk in the room for a sec that’s a lot of brown you got on man kind of rumpled too much better who is this hi Stan Smith CIA Enrique Ruiz a Colombian man I

Like the way your hand feels in this handshake wish I could say the same who looks and attitude do you even speak Spanish ah Does this answer your question oh mama this guy can salsa he’s actually dancing what’s known as bachata a now this is a translator no one could deny Enrique’s

It Factor the job was his and it was a risky Mission but just the kind I lived for hola boy chicks my name’s Stan Smith and I’m here to talk to elarco Stan Smith hey remind me when we’re done with this Mission I want to know what lukar Racha means wow Al narco’s got a rhino it’s not even an albino rhino what’s wrong with this guy all this money and he’s not even shoving it in everybody’s face yeah this is tasteful show me GTI I

Know where’s the nightclub right I bet he doesn’t even have one doesn’t have a nightclub probably doesn’t even enjoy soft kisses I feel like I’m a college and I’ve just met my best friend wait what’s your favorite movie porn I’ve seen that my favorite part is when the guy’s

Like yes I’m here for El Narco tell him Stan Smith is here and L dumbass’s time is up translate my dude and I do a little of this and that spell it out for him spin move and that’s word for word [ __ ] I’m El Narco holy crap the translator was El

Narco yeah total betrayal he was sitting in his throne flipping me off with his big gray finger gray yeah he was a pretty weird looking dude and to make matters worse this was a setup you intercept one Shipman in Miami and think you can take down my entire Kingdom H don’t laugh yet

Cuz my team is surrounding the compound and ready to kick it into high gear now we’re all dead dude you asked me to help you plan this kill him uh daring Escape smoke bomb why doesn’t he spit it out this guy makes me laugh now fool go back to America and

Spread the fame of elarco oh and one more thing of course I have a Nightclub an albino rhino oh it was so so hard not to tell you in the car it was so hard I wanted to tell you so bad but I was like H yeah Elko doesn’t have one of those so elarco sent you back to the US

With your tail between your legs I could see how that would humble you humbled no sir but your whole team died what does that have to do with me those agents were dead weight now they were just dead and my weight was lifted wow you have a

Way with words would you order for me I want a water and a bread there was no way I was leaving Colombia without taking down elarco and I had my work cut out for me because he was beloved by allar elar is here yes and bringing gifts chickens and

Hams what about the sides elarco yeah yes yes only the best for my people now we play soccer behold my golden leg go go yeah yeah he had the villagers wrapped around his finger the same gray finger I mentioned earlier wait you keep mentioning that you know who else has

Gray fingers yeah probably El narco’s parents but that’s a story for a different time a story that I don’t know you look ridiculous hiding in the bushes I thought I sent you home good people please this man is not your friend he’s responsible for death and suffering in my country he’s an honest

Champion of the village he gives us gifts you don’t understand he mos Mango Mango Mangos for sale sir I’m trying to Juicy mangoes eat what the to can’t eat forget your stupid mangoes now he judges our mango hope you’re not planning to drive anywhere carbomb ah does this please my people I

Declare a festival tomorrow to celebrate my victory over this fool carbon carbine oh a mean chicken get him chicken I needed a new plan to expose elaro for the criminal he was it’ll never work you left those sunglasses in Miami e seor why do you show such kindness mango

Man because I despise elaro that idiot says I have bad mangos if they’re so bad why do the Flies choose to lay their eggs in them eh their own babies man used the word idiot yep how does that make you feel Roger indifferent you guys I’m telling a story Mr mango man will

You work with me to take down elarco no no no too dangerous I have already said too much mango mango mango night mango everything said for the festival I know n wants to move product but this feels risky just make sure Uncle Sam is filled with the goods we both have to

Make sure Dave we are a team this isn’t just on me I didn’t know what he had planned for the festival but I knew it would be my best chance to expose El Narco in front of his village Uncle Sam the float the drugs are in the float

Time to do some good while looking even better mango man now oh yeah he he said he wasn’t going to help he was very clear about that come on try and steal it from me hey what’s going on gather round Amigos as I expose elarco for who he truly is a

Drug dealer you’ll never be able to show your face in 1980s Columbia again and now I give you the real fool he’s covering Rhino crap what no where’s the Coke or or is this the uncut stuff why do people like drugs you ain’t [ __ ] dude I can’t believe you fell for my

Trick oh no way he fell back in here let me help you out no he kissed the head eater the head eater loves him that’s his girlfriend now and for dessert carbomb oh man that was my for Rari how could I be so stupid it wasn’t you

Elarco it was the Fool’s fault don’t call me that yeah the fool made me do it in fact from here until forever I declare this Festival the day of the fool fool fool no I’m not a fool stop it hear that you’ll always be a turd slipping ant eater kissing balls hurting

Fool my balls don’t hurt elarco was right my balls did hurt an arrogant Stan was always going to be a fool so I left that Stan in Colombia and who returned the man I am today a methodical hardworking agent who’d never be a fool again fool not at this table

Friend it is it’s you the fool wait you’re the fool the Fool’s Day the fool the fool no no I left all that behind he kissed it again M get it girl I ain’t Jealous get that away from me Roger you’re almost as bad as elarco Dad are you kidding Roger is elarco no blowing up cars publicly shaming you for his own Amusement being piss poor at soccer tread lightly [ __ ] wait hold this damn it Roger I I should kill you

But you won’t cuz I made you the man you are today how did this stupid little holiday you started spread around the dang World hey it’s one day a year where people don’t have to feel bad about the stupid things they do who wouldn’t want that you you made me cheat on my

Wife and he told me you’re going to make him do it again this year at Red Rocks Roger we’re stopping this holiday how are you going to stop it well it starts Ed when I couldn’t catch elarco but if I show The Village that I did

Catch him I’ll be de fooled Roger we’re going to Colombia oh sorry I can’t my improv group pizza party weekend has a cage match tonight no we’re leaving now oh are we looks like we got ourselves a standoff I’m taking you to Colombia no way my improv team needs me Stan I do

All the southern characters this isn’t happening Stan oh it’s happening oh don’t worry that thing’s always going off no Colombia yes Colombia flight 718 to colia is overbooked we are offering vouchers and hotel accommodations to anyone willing to fly tomorrow you’ll have to kill me to get

Me to Colombia we can make that happen I need the bathroom and you’re coming with me I’ll go anywhere but Colombia who’s in Colombia now oh no my improv group all right uh did someone order a pizza box with a bunch of Comedy inside we just need a location to get us

Started the Deep South okay we’re too hungry out of town New Yorkers it’s your fault I crash my sister’s car fool Mama I’m sorry I wet the bed it’s okay Marco it was the fool you made me wet my bed fool no he didn’t it was you the fool Works Among Us the

Fool maybe I was the fool once but I’m a changed man and you’ll all have to start taking responsibility for your own mistakes why because after 20 years of being a joke I have finally caught your famous El Narco what I got him I won Roger why are

They laughing whoa you need a new moisturizer oh dang I’m still the same fool I was 20 years ago I thought I changed I thought I was a better man but I’m a Fool now and I’m going to die a fool Mister there’s a fool in all of us

And this holiday makes us feel better you know what to do oh my God throw it yeah I knew that this is all your fault fool whoa that does feel good give me another oh yeah and I got some other gripes this is for the time I

Accidentally said I love you to the Direct TV operator as I hung up and this is Dan buddy I’m sorry I lied to you for 20 years it’s okay the fool made you do it in fact he deserves worse than mangoes ah you son of a [ __ ] this guy’s got incredible aim smoke

Bom I’ll take two wait is this you it’s all of us really hey you broke my statues blame it on the fool you’re not even wearing pants and yet my dignity is intact thanks to Fool’s Day what a [ __ ] well it’s official the Golden Age of television has begun Step Brothers is on

Every channel help Roger’s trying to get me the Bubonic plague who there you’re breaking two rules no weaponized plagues in the house and no running on the stairs but if Steve isn’t dying The makea Wish Foundation won’t let us meet the weekend what you want to meet Saturday and

Sunday no the weekend is a singer it’s true dad listen to his hit song star boy look at us dancing grooving feeling it also the weekend’s hot he’s number one on my freebie list those are the celebrity she’s allowed to Bone it’s a long list so number one is’s saying

Something he better drop Six octaves if he wants to be on my radar and this Roger this is one of the good syringes for company you know the rules you have a rule for everything because you need them you can’t control yourself I’ll have you know I had a salad for lunch

Does that sound like someone who can’t control themselves hey Roger it’s me Bobby from GrubHub I got two full trays of meatballs and a meatball sub extra meatballs the note says put a rush on it I can’t control myself Jesus Christ Bobby oh this part’s [Laughter] great

As you probably don’t know I’ve been reading Alec Baldwin’s book on parenting go dad in it Baldwin explains a term called teachable moments and that’s why you kidnapped this guy you nailed it babe the weekend Yo where am I you’re in a teachable moment my man oh okay dope

You’re really here at our dinner table you could sneeze and your boogers would land on my food all Mr the weekend oh my God I am literally your biggest fan parties drugs supermodels you’ve inspired me to hate my boring life you’ve turned me against my family thank

You and how did this miracle happen Roger not by breaking the rules but by following the rules with government sanctioned abductions and CIA clearance I thought you were going to murder me silly weekend dang this family Vibe is freshing as hell more like boring as hell more like hell no honestly I miss

Being around boring people like this family a this lasagna is delicious no it’s not Roger attitude when my lame ass chefs make lasagna it’s all the same temperature I never get to crack a tooth on a frozen noodle while burning my tongue on beef sauce weekend my secret I microwave it

For 30 seconds then turn it and microwave it for 50 15 minutes may I please have some more what’s happening you’re a star boy star boys don’t eat lasagna star boys get all their nutrients from eating too far Roger go to your room and don’t come down until I say

So oh no some of that lasagna got on my pants I better take them off and stand in my underwear in front of the weekend I’m going to make you completely clean in the pants region you call this clean Roger are you ready to come down and apologize the weekend’s telling us

What it’s like to ride the matter horn all by himself Roger I told you to stay in the attic I don’t have to for your information Tuttle stole antibiotics from his mom and we’re going to feed them to sharks Oh no you’re not going to feed them to sharks ow ah

Oh hey you can’t lock up my clothes then I can’t go out you’re the idiot who leaves all their clothes in one place I got shirts and underwear stashed all over this house you never know when somebody’s going to try to ground you I hate you fine but you’re going to

Hear me bowling all night 300 I just rolled a perfect game and nobody cares this family sucks mom there’s something wrong with my water it’s too clear the weekend thought it would be dope to fix the plumbing so I don’t have to get our water from tuttles pond anymore well I’m

Glad the weend snaked someone’s Plumbing she’s sad because she blew her one shot to sleep with the weekend I’m sad she’s sad but I’m also not sad she didn’t sleep with him those are my two emotions sad and not sad will you please go tell

Roger he can come down he’s been such a quiet good boy huh must be an apology video if you’re watching this video I’ve already switched places with the weekend million on black Leon and I’m enjoying his rule free lifestyle and a million on red Leon see Stan I wanted to show you

That I’d Thrive without your stupid rules Z green there’s green Leon don’t tell me there’s rules to this game oh what’s this free buffet all you can eat no rules just how I like it morning Stan I slept so well incredible where do you find a bed without girls in

It you sure you don’t want to play peanuckle the weekend no you go ahead I’ve been so busy singing hit songs I never get to full laundry anymore okay good hey everyone Hi weekend don’t let me interrupt I just need to Stretch yeah whoa did you ever get boners in your old life the weekend all too often this family’s a great break from boners man I miss my fans but I just know know they’re in good hands with Roger I want to tell you how I don’t miss bigger than a mini life’s much

Better as the weekend though partial strip Vi at the Flamingo vodka in my Theros BS fall the grass never hit a donkey but I do pound ass cuz I’m a mother star groupies meet the weekend very nice clouse security klouse a weirdo snuck backstage with you that’s

Vu he’s a weird hang but an excellent drug dealer apologies Vu okay my Entourage has taken shape we have Vu groupies clouse as my manager sick but I’m lacking something yes my entourage is missing an energy guy clouse bring me Breen Meyer you can’t get Breen nobody

Can get Breen he’s the Ultimate Energy guy just make it happen we’re going to take drugs and see that show at Excalibur Tournament of Kings that’s the only show in Vegas where they don’t vacuum the floors afterwards hey Vu got anything on you that’ll make me feel like a

King you’re a good drug dealer Vu boo you little MX I’m was y it’s Francine Roger V get up here voo are you trying to buzz me into your apartment Bo dude you got to pull when I Buzz clous got in touch with Breen Meyer he’s flying in from Los Cabos it’s about

To get wild that new stuff you gave me you should call it clown Blood on the windshield because that’s all I’m seeing baby hang on Bobo you’re going to make it No I am never doing drugs again maybe Stan was on Target do you need rules bra no you blew $40 million playing a female Ghostbusters slot machine oh so there can’t be female Ghostbusters it’s the 21st Century women can bust every ghost a man can oh no no no no I’m only

Worried about you losing your money so you prefer I lose my money on a male Ghostbusters machine I don’t want you to lose your money at all why cuz I’m a man if a woman lost her money you wouldn’t be upset how how would a woman have money

Ah I got you I knew I’d get you I am dying this is Rock Bottom sharing a jail cell with the one misogynist in the system I got to call Stan for help I deeply respect woman we interrupt this broadcast of Step Brothers No what the hell to bring

You Step Brothers in its entirety y hell yeah this better be good I’m in the middle of Step Brothers and it’s about to start Stan it’s me your old pal Roger um I’m in a bit of a bind maybe got out of control of smidge to quote the

Beatles help I need Stan’s body well as invogue said is never going to get it never ever going to get it that was Roger begging for help why did you hang up he marri this mess and he can get himself out if he’s asking for help hasn’t he learned his lesson simple boy

Right now his lesson is like wet cement if we bail Roger out the cement will evaporate yeah that’s not how cement Works sir sir is your baby breathing Stan isn’t coming where we’re going to die in here I wouldn’t be so sure about that I’ve never heard of you

But the DA’s daughter is a big fan and said we have to let you out sweet later clouse what about me suck it klouse you’re going to die in here of course I knew you were getting out too it’s just jokes I love jokes myself hey I got a good one for

You sup [Applause] boners this was crazy and I love it hit me later pound pound back to Cabo swimming a t-shirt cuz I get crazy sunburn love your music Dude I learned a valuable lesson while I was in jail well that’s good I learned I was right rules suck and it’s better to be the weekend uhhuh rules restrictions shackles of the mind today I free myself from from those and I free you too Blast

Off With Me clouse Tell Me Your Wildest Dream I’d like to have a really nice dinner with a woman who loves me did you say music festival no your wish is my command an Island music festival by day and a no rules Utopia by night and also

Day music at night too where will we do it Roger right here I only see water some things you see with your eyes and some things you see with the drugs that V gave you let’s ride oh keychains with your name on it I’m going to be Doris from now on

$27 I’m just going to keep being the Weekend are you sure you’ll be okay if I sleep with the weekend if you sleep with the weekend when you sleep with the weekend I know I’m not sure hold still you really think the weekend will sleep with me I’ve given you the tools you’ve got got to do the hammering hold

Still hey I got your text everything okay it is now you are so tight are you wearing bug spray [ __ ] how about a little massage Haley we can’t do this yes we can we can you son of a [ __ ] what’s it going to take for you to

Nail my wife look I’m sorry but it has nothing to do with Haley I have a confession I’ve never told anyone this before had a lot of girls in my day wanted more from me but there’s only really one way to start a family and I

Know you can’t believe it’s true but I’m man enough to say to you I’m a virgin never got close enough so blowing up but I’m waiting for the right person trying to act super tough but inside I’m a 12y old boy I see you looking in a strong way

But I won’t give it up super models they were all fake cuz I never HED and I know you I know you want to but I’m man enough to say to you Oh underneath the lies in the big talk I’ve been waiting for a wife I never watch porn never did drugs cuz I’m terrified and I know you you can’t believe it’s true but I’m man enough to say to you I’m a virgin never got close enough cellone

Blowing up but I’m waiting for the right person you want to hold hands and sign me up but just know you’re not going to score I’m a virgin never got close enough pure as a and I’m waiting for the right person never once been touched the power of God in my

Lo so yeah I’m a virgin why containing my seed gives me superpowers other singers don’t possess right now I’m using my Virgin power to win gramys but if my calculations are correct soon my nut sack will be a time machine I’m trying to with Dinosaurs I feel dirty I

Put a virgin at the top of my freebie list wow you guys was smart you all went with sandwiches from Panera there it is Festival Island I see a ridiculously active volcano yeah she’s gorgeous Foo bring us down keep us up Vu it’s all lava quiet

Clous I’m in charge that giant wave is about to cool us a Runway whoa GL just sent a sweet pick of a volcano cool and a text yuck says Roger and I are about to die G mute conversation Stan your rules backfired and now Roger’s going to die and clouse

We have to save them you’re right Francine What’s Your Wildest Dream going to the Moon realizing it’s really small than throwing it like a baseball did you say meet the weekend H we have 3 Days To Build a music Utopia let’s Scout locations for the main [Applause] stage oh my

God where’s the rest of the gang they’re dead like we’re going to be dead like the 10,000 ticket holders you suck it into coming here are going to be dead going for a little dip huh well I for one am getting down to business hang in there baby as soon as

We rescue Roger this antidote will fix you right up do it now please St Francine I’m trying to do the right thing here I could use your support captain on the bridge you must be little Francine we’ll get you that s selfy with the weekend come hell or high water sir

We have visual on the weekend wow I’ve really made a mess of things and everybody’s giving up on me except you thank you just crap myself out Bingo wish it accomplished if you infect anyone else we can come back for them if that’s their wish our business is granting wishes not suggesting

Them Stan you saved me it’s one of my rules keep my loved ones safe and that includes me Stan I’m sorry I thought being a Smith was boring and it is but it’s better than this can I come home all right Francine sorry Roger I just need to cure my wife’s bubonic plague

You better finger son of her you’re joking me my love you killed me hello special [Applause] Delivery she’s dying the weekend this is a murder don’t worry I’m a virgin really Stan I think I can help right now I have enough virgin seed on my balls to produce five hit albums or six save one life I don’t understand I’m so very glad you kidnapped me old friend virgin Power what the is happening the weekend cured Francine but it drained his virginal Life Energy no I was talking about your pants you tied them into a life raft that’s sick Bro he’s dying Stan don’t go the weekend that’s the thing that sucks about weekends they got to end

Sometime wow his last words were a joke guy nailed it keep it 100 y’all ah he blew it Explain that okay as volcanic islands form they search for identity this island chose the weekend Soul as its metaphysical blueprints you’re a solid dude Vu if you ever deal drugs near chimdale look me up I’d like that we apologize due to an error in scheduling you saw an episode of American Dad we

Now return you to Step Brothers For e for Fore spee spee spee bny fore speee yeah Byebye good Speee foree Foree up if keep one fore for Raj I’m 10 out I’ll scoop you and then we’re headed straight to the shark nest for some laser hockey baby pew pew my favorite sport can’t wait check this we’re sitting in the mayor’s box dick’s been Moonlighting as mayor Garfield’s

Chief of security yeah dick killing it you’re coming as your Pete van smash Persona right you know it good all the guys from work think van smash is a God he loves sports and he’s always on the hunt for new awesome porn van smash always brings the fire I’m going slip

Into him right Now hell yeah what up blo hole I hate to do this but I got a flake on you for that laser game what why didn’t you just tell me on the other line van smash doesn’t make other people take out his trash bruh I got to go I’m about to get in an

[Applause] accident that’s a laser goal three points how sweet is this box Stan where’s Van smash he totally flicked oh man I bet he had something cool to do he’s probably being so funny right now that’s too bad I wanted everyone here so I could share some good news with the

Extra money I’m making working for the mayor I finally bought that boat I’ve been lusting after the one that’s been rusting in the Walmart parking lot for the last 3 years yep but that’s not the good news if I hadn’t moved out of my apartment and onto that boat then I

Wouldn’t have met the love of my life meet Becky tenderhearts godamn it I got to ask how do you guys concentrate at work with this tub of hot roast beef slopping around Francine I came across a pretty troubling photo from your Bender last night oh God I made out with Tuttle ew

Mom get it Mrs S I wonder if I took a bite or ate the whole thing I better pop a plan B got you it’s Photoshop baby too kind too kind little light on the cheering there clous now to more important matters what the hell Roger

You have to break up with dick I command it first I’m not dating dick my Persona Becky tenderhearts is second I’m not dumping him Becky is in love that is so sweet it isn’t sweet Haley it’s annoying Roger ditched me so there I was looking like an ass kneeling

During the national anthem all alone relax every once in a while my character schedules conflict but don’t worry I don’t see any other conflicts on the horizon good because you and I have a big wheels in the legman case to crack the leg man’s ready and Franny Haley

I’ll be there as Genie gold to help you plan nerfer bachelorette party I can’t believe nerfer is settling down she has such big tits and Rita Dave and I are watching the game tomorrow see Stan plenty of Roger to go around now if you’ll excuse me Becky has some planning

To do she’s moving on to Dick’s Boat Roger that’s a big step stop it’s just easier Steve sure Roger that’s the reason shut up Steve oh no bro that’s my buddy raido Dave’s lucky seat we’re bonded in blood as citizens of Raa Nation and he’s going to be here any second awesome damn it Roger where are you jalapeno Papa on the floor don’t do it close oh sick I caught this right before it hit the

Ground the Raider game’s about to start if anyone’s interested who cares about football when we’ve got this beautiful sunset over the marina and that glorious smell what is that smell dick dead seagull thank you for this life mom Nerf’s Bachelorette must be pirate themed nerfer loves Pirates

That’s why I’ve been saying we should go steampunk it includes Pirates but has some gadgets if Roger were here Genie gold would tell you to listen to what the bride wants and nerfer doesn’t want future Pirates Genie gold would help me kick your ass because she knows that

Steam Punk isn’t future it’s an alternate timeline where technology developed differently you piece of [ __ ] I love dancing Barefoot here I can feel the peanut shells crunch beneath my toes hey that guy pinched my ass he’s going to eat some dick fist stop it dick stop it that guy didn’t really pinch my

Ass dick this guy just threw a glass at you hey Jeff you here to ride clip clop every Tuesday at midnight clippy cppy I’ve got a dirty carrot for you oh no clip clops gone as soon as I bang my gavl you will be sentenced to death unless of course

Something crazy happens in the next 5 Seconds fine four wait this man is innocent who are you we’re wheels and legman he’s supposed to be here with the evidence oh well 10,000 Volts for Mr no bicycle helmet here do you think this is what heaven’s like no heaven’s got way more birds

The SM as I live and breed what has it been the 10 years try a decade we’re having one of our famous all family meetings say no more I’ll bring you each a glass of marinara I call this family meeting to order Roger’s relationship with dick has

Consumed him he’s flaking on all of us he’s losing himself in dick we need to break them up but Roger will never break up with dick we need dick to break up with him but how what if we bribe dick with I don’t know kitkats clouse I’m

Curious why not money I’m curious too Steve if I know one thing about Dick it’s that he hates getting cheated on is there anything there wait a second clouse recently became amazing at Photoshop he could make it look like Becky’s been cheating on dick is this

True CL is it true that you’ve recently become amazing at Photoshop let me put it this way I’ve recently become amazing at Photoshop perfect on to our next order of business Steven Smith is motioning that his new nickname is by you Billy with the heavy balls all those

In favor I Congratulations by you Billy with the heavy balls on my way to work I bought a bunch of new ropes for my boat I’m talking really good ropes damn dick these sound like great ropes please tell me you got pics better than pics I have the ropes

They’re here dick I’ve been really happy for you over the last couple weeks over the moon honestly but you’re my best friend I am for this situation yes and I can’t lie to my best friend I was on the Googs doing some I feel lucky searches and I stumbled across a pretty disturbing

Image I don’t know it’s Becky but this looks looks old I’m not naive enough to think she never dated before me wait look at the guy holding the newspaper two days ago how could You dick dumped me he stomped on my heart and wouldn’t even tell me why do you think it was because I had to stop sex once because I had a hair in my throat and when I finally got it out it was a whole e eagle [Laughter]

Feather well we did an underhanded thing but I’d say it’s pretty clear that life is going to go back to normal I will never ever get over this oh hey Francine I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay after Becky’s big breakup wasn’t that so fun

She was devastated what a great ending to her story whenever a character’s story arc is over I vacuum seal their costume and store it in my character closet one thing they don’t tell you about these vacuum pouches as you can save a ton of money by not buying the

Pump one thing they don’t tell you about these vacuum pouches is you can save a ton of money by not buying the pump well I’m glad to see you’re back to your old self how could Mr taffurelli not be an altimer he was so Shy good to have you back leg man so I ran that that hair we found at the scene of the crime you know how we thought no man could kick that hard we were right it was a kangaroo you’re a hell of a private dick jeie I’m glad you’re here cuzz last

Night it hit me the perfect thing for nerfer bachelorette party strippers oh yeah oh yeah are we talking full frontal cuz I want to see some We have fun don’t we clippy charges are stupid R the Dave get in here I’m not in the right hand space just punch him in the balls for me it’s the area right under [Laughter] his what are we doing at btbs we only come here when there’s a problem and

Everything’s fine Roger we need to talk we think Becky’s breakup with dick is affecting you why would you think that because all of your characters are sad during our meeting jeie gold recommended a stripper who only dances to Tracy Chapman’s fast car Jeff said clip clop cried now he thinks horses have human

Feelings and should be allowed to vote Becky was my most vulnerable Persona her pain must be affecting my other characters oh we would like to offer you our authentic tast of Tuscany appetizer Taste of Tuscany wait a second last year my book club tried to force me to read

Under the tusin son luckily I found out it was a movie just in time but it taught me a valuable lesson if you’re down go to Tuscany and you’ll be magically fixed do you think Tuscany’s magic can fix Becky I do oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah That house stop the bus stop the bus sad lady I will teach you Italian only then will you be able to stop the B good thing you learned Italian Francine wake up wake up last night the most wondrous thing happened I couldn’t sleep so I went into town and you remember that hunky single guy who owns the Italian soda shop Mario IGI no we’ve only been here for 12 hours

We fell in love and we screwed Bella I love you I must go now but then I realized I’m a strong independent woman I don’t need to be defined by a single man did you sleep with all these you were right to bring me here in

Tuscany I found the one thing I was looking for me I’m all better now let’s cream out of Here F smash how’s it hanging to the left down my pants and up the other leg if you speak true then you must have the lengthiest of Johnson’s good to have you back van smash I’m glad you’re here because we’ve got another special guest my new girl Linda vulnerab black bra see-through

Shirt pure class chic CH Chic like I always say nobody who lives on a boat can stay dry for long and I mean that in two ways how’ you two meet we met at the marina bait shop and he took me to this bar called Barnacles that was our bar

I’ve never been to Barnacles with you van smash yeah van smash what are you talking about van smash oh yeah I’m F smash um Linda What’s your deal you like porn you like Deadpool you like something else like all women I enjoy the wit and wisdom of Chester Cheetah isn’t she

Great did our time together mean nothing Dick’s always getting it in I didn’t realize you were such a womanizer womanizer I hardly know her you’re a snake dick I’ll show you a snake my snake van smash is hilarious I had no idea he had a personality disorder so funny

Sorry I had to whack you little guy but hopefully you got some closure tomorrow I’ll take you to the laundromat and let you ride around in the dryer that always cheers you up will you put a red sock in there with me maybe I’ll come out a

Little pink no problem buddy but you’re not going to turn pink but maybe there’s a tiny chance maybe get some sleep psych I ain’t going to sleep until dick pays for what he did sh hope this hitman’s better at shooting people than he is at being on

Time oh there you are here it is I want him dead consider it Done back of the line buddy I just need to check on him he kind of freaked out when he saw dick with a new girl last night I don’t think he’s awake I’ve been waiting an hour to update the legman on the case of the unsolved mystery we’re

Meeting Genie gold to sample pirate cakes something’s wrong I’m going in Follow Me if You Dare You Came you’re braver than I thought Smith thank God your home last night the world’s most dangerous assassin landed in Langley he tried to go unnoticed but he can’t get by our boys our best guess is

That he’s been contracted to kill M Garfield at his first annual mayor’s appreciation parade want to know how we guessed it more photos I’ll head there right away sir no need the mayor is safe because Dick is his head of security I was just passing

By on the way to steal lemons from the tops of all the farmers trees okay Miranda it’s lemon snatching time I don’t think Roger is planning on killing the May he’s planning on killing dick yeah that was pretty that’s what I would do well maybe you will be surprised to

Learn that it’s up to us to stop him again totally expected already went downstairs to warm up the car everyone I ever loved is Dead how the hell are we going to find Roger I have an idea what the hell did I do hello Mr CIA that’s right I know who you are but you’ll never find me yes I will you shared your phone’s location services with me that time you went rollerblading on

Mushrooms damn it Fly lead them to Atlanta they’ll totally believe I’m in Atlanta I’ve been dying to go I’m in Atlanta Roger stop sorry Mr CIA I was hired to Fe finish job and I always finish job you don’t have to do this we trick dick into dumping you what

How clouse photoshopped a photo of you cheating on him we were annoyed at you for ditching us just so Becky could be with dick so we did something stupid but dick didn’t do anything kill me instead no no stop that knowing all this it would seem silly to do it rootilda

You dumb asses forgot one thing always check for for a cage in the air welcome to Atlanta dick you look trim my secret no bulletproof vest wait I changed my mind I don’t want you to kill him you can’t change your mind I have a strict no mind changing

Policy but I love him and I love my job stop you shouldn’t have done that you don’t have to kill Dick yes I do every Persona has a story to tell but I don’t want my story to end like this Raider Dave my story ends when I finish my Job please this ends now no Becky Becky don’t die I love you I’m so sorry it’s okay dick this is how our story ends we’ll always have Barnacles no no stay with me Becky just promise me one thing dick promise me you’ll mourn me forever and never love anyone

Else uh okay and get a face tattoo of my face that way everyone will know you’re taken that’s not yes I’m not dying until I hear A is anyone else thinking this was Roger’s plan all along like dick was never in danger yeah Roger’s weird what shake and blow holes you guys want to go to my friend Brandon’s Funeral dude bit it in an 18 TV accident they’re getting a taco truck there’s going to be tons of

Chicks there I’m down if bio Billy with the heavy balls is oh yeah so many careers to choose from I’m most excited about the scientist scientists are truly working on the front lines of Discovery working on the front lines of Discovery is not what I

Do all the good stuff that’s all done by computers now oh I see lots of cute animals every day and I put almost all of them to sleep no matter how much I shower smell like I’m wearing a flee collar I got into being a cowboy because

It was manly but ironically the harsh bumping of the saddle has destroyed my dick and balls I’m so tired of candy sometimes late at night I go to the kitchen and I eat spoonfuls of salt I don’t love my wife anymore because of the candy yes a real astronaut okay so I’m

Not an astronaut I’m a radio engineer that’s right radio does anyone here listen to radio free radio’s kids give it a try it’s like podcasts but it works around our schedule not yours my show is the morning drive time every day on wlng 98.2 and if folks don’t start listening

I’m going to be homeless is something the matter Steve you’ve barely touched your can corn and cornballs I think it’s that dang career fair got me down all the adults their lives seem so sad and small oh you must have misheard them being an adult is great oh what’s great about it well

There’s a you’re peppering me with questions Meanwhile my Corn’s getting cold you know I pick my career at my high school career fair housewife circus manager but but you’re you’re not a circus manager it’s a long process I I think she has stopped talking I don’t have a career but Teddy

Shraberg sure does I’m Teddy shraberg I work in the adult film industry but I don’t do sex acts yet I drive the bang van you know the gray eono line that cruises around while hard bodies bang in the back I didn’t know you worked for

The van ever since I got banned from Mil catcher that’s been like my main thing do you want to know what I did to get banned from looking at a pawn site it’s bad [Applause] W wow Rock and runny here hit you a career a job that’s all there is you might think that’s all there is live work die but that’s not true I’m Palmer elus and this is the Wonder cabinet an exploration of the Hidden Mysteries of the universe tonight’s show the pineal

Gland a small sack of fluid located in the center of the human brain the third eye the ancient Egyptians believed you could vibrate the pineal gland allowing the Consciousness to move any direction in space and time astral projection and every vertebrate in the world has a pineal gland except one the hagfish you

Are not a hagfish I’m not a hagfish you’re not the powers that be have just gunked up our Pineo glands with fluide fluide I don’t know skeptical listen to this esteemed list of people who believe in astral projection Ric Flair Brutus The Barber Beefcake one of The Bushwhackers and Renee

Deart as you all know I astral project frequently I’ve gone to the time of dinosaurs no feathers by the way scientists get it wrong again I’ve watched the collapse of the last bit of matter in the universe at the end of time I know who Banky actually is it’s

Captain Lu Albano he’s not dead by the way scientist get it wrong again again you want to see the wonders of the universe just put out your crystals vibrate your pineal gland and snap you’re off since all my listeners are now successfully astral projecting I’ll take this private moment to say a shameful

Secret I have in the past treated the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition as Pornography excuse me are you Mr shraberg so you’re my trainee here to learn how to drive the famous bang van yeah I mean I’m hoping to get in the back seat at some point do some acting you know get in line I’ve been the driver forever so if anybody’s getting

That tap on the shoulder it’s me beautiful street right it’s not just the humping people enjoy it’s the scenery going by the windows it’s a huge part I believe just because you work in a bang van doesn’t mean you can’t be professional rule number one eyes on the

Road you’re going to be tempted to sneak peeks in the mirror but don’t do it oh damn that’s hot wow guys I ran a red just then is this myth Steve it’s my rose quartz to relax my neural Pathways I’ve been listening to the this radio show

Hosted by Palmer radio is dead Steve Stern is on Sirius XM now astral projection oh Steve that’s new age garbage and a book when TV what are you thinking Palmer says everyone used to astrop project until our pineal glands got gunked up with Flora the pineal

Gland is a myth well no one disputes the pineal gland exists people just aren’t sure what the gland does gland this gland that let’s not talk about glands let’s talk about careers you could be anything Steve why you could be an endocrinologist whatever that is that’s are you that’s a doctor who studies

Glands there’s that word again I’m afraid I’m going to have to forbid you from listening to that radio show but he’s the only adult I know who has any Wonder in his life you don’t need astral projection to have Wonder in your life okay then where do I find it um um look

You know I know the answer but uh I’m tired you’re tired and I don’t want to be up all night explaining it to you when you’re not going to get it now go to sleep sleep and have sweet dreams or we’re going to have big problems Mister it’s

4:30 stupid dad I’m shaking with anger whoa whoa what what’s happening help me oh God help me hi I’m DJ Karen Shipley filling in for Palmer who suspiciously didn’t show up oh my God it’s unlike him and he hasn’t turned any of our calls but anyo

I’m just going to play I’d really love to see you tonight I think I think I astral projected and that room that must have been where Palmer is he was calling for help I have to save Palmer as soon as they play a bad Song thank you all for coming so quickly I apologize for the late hour if we’re aiming to party look what Barry got his little hands on my Dad’s friend left his Fringe jacket at the house and this was inside Palmer elmus is in trouble guys Palmer elmus that’s your talking

Goldfish yeah he’s the host of The Wonder cabinet someone’s attacking him or or kidnapping him he he knows too much he’s saying too much about who big fluoride should we call the police then we can’t call the police you’re damn right now when I have this

Much party powder on me I guess we can hide it in our noses the police will never believe me I only know Palmer’s in trouble because I astral projected who’s that canid that you what everything Palmer said is true I actually left my body and traveled to what must be Palmer’s house

You want us to go to some guy’s house he’s the only one talking about how incredible life can actually be the radio station has to have his address to the bikes no one wants my cocaine I feel like a freaking idiot hey Steve sounds like you’re watching Revenge of the Nerds in here

Let’s start from the be he’s gone initiate expert tracker mode this open window is the perfect place to stand and wonder how he got out we’ve got to get there fast let’s cut through the cemetery I say we crossed the playground where we saw that condom then shoot down Mohawk

Drive Mohawk perfect the tree roots pushed up all the sidewalks turning them into little ramps since time is of the essence we’ll only Take 5 minutes to do totally sick bike jumps 10 deal 15 even better deal W that guy almost H me I mean I know it’s my ticket it’s just boy

You know I don’t make much and this big number here that’s got me S wedding what does everybody in the back think it it should be me that pays it cuz I’m the one that ran the red quiet Teddy hey new guy you ready to jump back here show us your stuff yes

Sir are you kidding me I quit good luck getting people to watch sex in a parked van I’m un quitting because this just proves someone from up here can actually make it back there shut up Teddy the radio station Palmer’s home address has to be in there we just got

To get past the guard let’s forget this radio station business and get a little high get high that’s it there’s a door up on the roof of the radio station we just need to build a big enough jump a jump you Say here goes nothing what do we have here we’re busted you little troublemakers are going away for a long a ramp I haven’t gone off a ramp since I was a kid watch this time to Fly Like an Eagle baby I broke my ass I’m so embarrassed

They’re going to put me in a big plaster diaper oh No you can’t you’re interested in radio don’t push me into the closet I sleep in Palmer elmus the vist of VI apartment’s on Third Street m is there someone special you’d like to dedicate this love song to a very important woman in my life just thinking about her makes

My heart race love is just so so special she’s a cartoon bird with big red lips it’s in these car Insurance commercials she sounds incredible here’s Peter sata’s Glory of Love From The Karate Kid tun soundtrack this tree is dry The Roots have been squeezed of moisture by kids doing jumps off the

Sidewalk four kids to be precise three normals and a large they’re heading east well this guy’s driving on the sidewalk and I’ll tell you something else people want to see someone with a little punch a guy who works for a living have sex in the van fine let’s go right now yes but

But but who’s going to drive we park people need to see the trees going by tonight or never okay okay but I’m frizen out at least let me wet down my hair in a gas station bathroom you got to let me make it nice please H makeshift ramp a loser with broken butt

I’ve solved it this fool was trying to relive his youth maybe to impress some kids judging by how dry his mouth feels I’d say the boys left here about 45 minutes ago get your hands out of my mouth if you’re looking for those boys they went stop I want to track them only

By seeing how moist things are okay best case scenario Palmer’s tied up inside so we can’t just knock on the door Barry no what if the agent’s a big fluoride or Palmer you’re okay I thought something happened to you something did happen to me I have a

Toothache which is crazy because I wipe my teeth with a hand towel three times a day how do you know who I am from the Wonder cabinet I’m a fan and guess what I astral projected right into your apartment where where are the astral charts where are the crystals it’s just

A bunch of posters of race cars yeah you can’t even drive this one on the street it’s so fast is there another room another room I work in radio who do you think I am King Ralph I asro projected really that’s wild I’d love to do that but but you have you

Said so on your show I just made that up so I didn’t astral project and you’re just another sad adult I I am so sick of sad adults my Lamborghini bino Steve he’s okay why are you so upset we’re supposed to pick a path but they all lead to the

Same place a small sad life I thought there was another way but there isn’t they should call you boys Hurricane Katrina cuz you’ve been leaving water all over town and you you want me to live the smallest worst life of all your you’re a hafish who is that his pineal gland Steve Steve the astrop plane I’m here oh God I’m actually here it’s real okay how does it work how does it work I should be able to just think of a place and go say Parry magnifi I can go anywhere even chimdale wow shimale it’s like Paris on steroids

It’s all so beautiful I want to see everything I want to see everything Palmer lied about getting to see to every time and every place to the last moment of the universe sad ending got to stop reading the last page of a book first now show me dinos incredible the feathers are so

Unpleasant Though oh just awful now show me Everything There we go hey you’re great you’re a nice guy people want to see you do things did you get in shape the way you wanted no of course not did you eat like you were an actor trying to gain 100b for a role yeah so what now are you

Ready to smash yeah I said are you ready to smash yes let me really hear it I’m going to smash yeah no help can anyone hear me where the hell is Teddy I’m in here my hair is wet I’m ready for sex you know I was thinking what if we just used a

Green screen instead of driving around all the time no that’s terrible that could totally work no why can I hear you and you can’t hear me we wouldn’t need a driver at all I’m having a panic attack well Roger’s at it again what next oh that strange room I forgot about

That if it wasn’t Palmer’s room what was it I’m back this is it but where is this let’s take it back in time it’s Dad’s study where are you where did you go Help me oh God help me dad was the one calling for help to save me Steve you came back y be careful that’s Waterford glass I’ve traveled so far dad to every corner of this universe I’ve seen so much did I end up getting cast as Hamilton in the movie version of

Hamilton no well I owe Tuttle a million dollars there’s something I need to say no you’re back we don’t have to talk ever again I apologize for calling you a hagfish and saying your life was small for thinking anyone’s life was small I wanted something infinite but I didn’t

Realize I had it right here a love so big it moved us across time and space to find each other is that what you couldn’t figure out how to say Dad is that what you wanted me to understand no that’s stupid and even if it was what I

Felt how dare you say it out loud don’t touch me get away from me what say we pop open that third eye do a little astral projecting together I’m haunting my own house boo boo dad I told you they can’t see us what’s the point then this sucks I’ll

Show you something that doesn’t suck whoa chimdale now this I could get used to right