Trump Puppy-Dogs Japan’s New PM and Rants About Magnets to U.S. Troops | The Daily Show

Trump Puppy-Dogs Japan’s New PM and Rants About Magnets to U.S. Troops | The Daily Show

Welcome
to The Daily Show! I’m Desi Lydic. We’ve got so much
to talk about tonight. The government
still hasn’t come back from buying cigarettes. Trump tours Japan and manages
not to do the accent. And later on in the show,
Lucy Dacus will be performing! [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Unfortunately, she said
I cannot sing back up. So let’s kick things
off with the headlines! [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] The government
shutdown is on day 28, which is when it sheds its
uterine lining, so buckle up. It’s going to be a rough ride. And the longer this goes
on, the worse things get. Air traffic controllers
are getting exhausted, Americans are about
to lose SNAP benefits, and the White House
is falling apart Oh, I’m sorry, what? Oh, that was done on purpose. Never mind. This is the perfect
time for President Trump to meet the moment with his
famous dealmaking skills and master negotiating
to end this shutdown. REPORTER: President
Donald Trump, currently on his way to Asia
for a high-stakes tour of the region. OK? Government will be
here when you get back. Maybe. Boys’ trip! Let’s get into it with
our ongoing segment, “Trump Meets World.” [MUSIC PLAYING] International humiliation,
one after another. [LAUGHTER] Donald Trump is
spending the week in Asia, and today, he was in Japan to
meet their new prime minister, Sanae Takaichi. She’s Japan’s first
female prime minister. She’s also their first
Japanese female prime minister. Although, I’m told, in Japan,
that’s not really a big deal. If she were America’s first
Japanese female prime minister, I mean, come on. Herstory! Mwah. Anyway, good news. It’s already looking
like the beginning of a big, beautiful friendship. REPORTER: In her diplomatic
debut as prime minister, Sanae Takaichi heaped
praise on President Trump and vowed to make new
investments in the US. [LAUGHTER] Very strong handshake. So if you see any weird
bruises on my hand, that’s why. [LAUGHTER] Although it’s not
surprising when a woman has a strong handshake. We build up our strength
by clutching our keys between our fingers
at night like a patriarchy Edward Scissorhands. Now, the purpose
of Trump’s visit was to discuss critical
trade agreements and reaffirm our alliances. But first, Donny gets presents. REPORTER: Takaichi, even at
this bilateral meeting– we saw her gift Trump a golf club. She also gifted him
a golden golf ball. Wow. OK, she is a great gift giver. A golf ball covered in gold? That is a combination of two
of Trump’s favorite things. I mean, how could
you even top that? Maybe in Epstein Island,
made of Lee Greenwoods? [LAUGHTER] And after the gift giving, it
was time for some ceremony. So the prime minister showed
off her new friend, Trump, to a gathering
of uniformed soldiers. We see here, in this
solemn moment of respect, two allies totally in sync. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Mr. President, where are
you– where are you going? No, that’s–
that’s the kitchen. Whoops, nope. Over here, Mr. Trump. Back over here. Hold on. Oopsie daisy. But aside from
that one slip-up, President Trump did
a great job of letting the prime minister
walk him from one side of the room to the other. It kind of makes me wonder
if Donald Trump could have a real future as a show dog. COMMENTATOR 1: Introducing
one of the favorites of tonight’s show, the old
American beaver hound. COMMENTATOR 2: Mm-hmm. He is in the care of expert
handler Sanae Takaichi. COMMENTATOR 1: Lively,
aggressive, and incredibly horny,
the beaver hound is especially popular
among rural white families. COMMENTATOR 2: That’s
right, and judges tonight will be looking
for the hallmarks of a good beaver hound–
strong veneers, girthy cankles. COMMENTATOR 1: Whoops. It looks like he’s wandered
away from his handler. That’s going to cost
him some points. COMMENTATOR 2: OK, he looks
like he’s back on track now. Excellent form on that turn. COMMENTATOR 1:
The beaver hound’s golden mane is glistening. COMMENTATOR 2: Indeed. And now, one final trick– a leap onto the platform. And– nailed it. Wow. COMMENTATOR 1:
What a performance by the old American
beaver hound. Ah. Who’s a good president? Not you! Not you! Of course, it wouldn’t
be a Trump trip overseas without
a visit to the US troops who are stationed
in every country in the world for reasons
that are never quite clear. And after the prime minister
made Trump feel so comfortable, he thought it was
only fair for him to return the favor
by bringing her along to make her feel uncomfortable. But the cherished alliance
between the United States and Japan is one of the most
remarkable relationships in the entire world. Really, there has never
been anything like it. Born out of the ashes
of a terrible war, our bond has grown
over eight decades. [LAUGHTER] Oh, my god. Look at her face. We all know that face. That is the look of a woman
who’s going to be talking about this “ashes of war” thing
the second they get to the car. “I’m not going to embarrass
you in front of your friends, but we will talk
about this later.” But I’m glad
the President is having such a fun time while
the government is shut down– speaking of which, let’s
just check in to see how the negotiations are going. People keep commenting
to me, you look so tired on TV. I am so tired, because we’re
not sleeping a lot. We’re working overtime. Oof. Yikes. Yeah. It’s OK, though. In my experience,
a tired Johnson should be back up and ready
to go in, like, 30 minutes. 20 if he’s been eating oysters. And, look, Mike, I know
shutdown negotiations are tough, but President
Trump is in Japan, working just as hard. [“YMCA” PLAYING]
–to have a good time It’s fun to stay at the YMCA It’s fun to stay at the– Now, remember,
troops, don’t be gay. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Now, I don’t want this
to imply that this speech was entirely jerk-off dancing. Trump did have some important
updates for the troops stationed in Japan. I’m going to sign
an executive order. When we build
aircraft carriers, it’s steam
for the catapults, and it’s hydraulic for the elevators. You know, the new
thing is magnets. So instead of using hydraulic
that– you can be hit by lightning and it’s fine. You take a little
glass of water and you drop it on magnets. I don’t know what’s
going to happen. [LAUGHTER] What? What the [BLEEP] are
you talking about? You don’t– you don’t
know what’s gonna happen if you get water on a magnet? The magnet gets wet. That’s it. It’s a magnet, OK? Not a gremlin.
Here. You know what?
Let me show you. Water. Magnet. Magnet in water. See? Nothing happens. [WINDING DOWN NOISE] What? [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] [BLEEP] me. Damn it. Well, when he’s
right, he’s right. Now, Trump obviously
didn’t spend the whole time talking about magnets. He also asked the troops
how they felt about magnets. Which is better? Hydraulic? [CHEERING] Or magnets? What the hell is wrong
with these people? Well, that’s a scientific
poll if I’ve ever seen one. Which option do you like? The one that I,
your boss, prefer or the one that I have
an unhinged vendetta against? I am so curious how
military recruitment is going to work in this country. Question one– do you
promise to serve this nation and protect the Constitution? Question two– do you
[BLEEP] with magnets? By the way, Trump has
been baffled by magnets for quite some time. Now, all I know
about magnets is this. Give me a glass of water. Let me drop it on the magnets. That’s the end of the magnets. Instead of using hydraulic,
they used magnets. And– Nobody needed
magnets until they convinced everybody 20 years
ago, let’s all do magnets. But it should have never
gotten that way, because we should have been doing the– they call it magnets. Well, I guess
this is what happens when your parents don’t want
to put any of your pictures on the fridge. Oh! Oh, honey. Oh, honey, oh, we’d love to,
but all the magnets got wet. No, that’s how they work. That’s how they work. [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Anyway, it was
your classic Trump speech– weird, nonsensical ranting,
a weird, nonsensical survey. But there was one moment
I didn’t quite expect. I never forget that
our ultimate strength does not come from equipment. It comes from you people,
incredible people, good-looking people– too
many good-looking people. I don’t like
good-looking people. I never liked
good-looking people. I’ll be honest with you. I’ve never admitted
that before. What? You don’t like
good-looking people? That’s the last category
of people we thought you liked. We already know
that you don’t like fat people, ugly
people, women people, Democrat people, prosecutors. Why not good-looking people? Because, you know,
they’re attractive, and you’re attracted to them. So the two of you
are drawn together like a pair of magnet– Ohh! OK, now it all makes sense. I see. For more on Trump’s
visit to Japan, we go to Tokyo with
our very own Troy Iwata. [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] Troy, what’s the latest? Uh, it’s wild, Desi. President Trump’s stomping
all over the place, humiliating them,
and embarrassing their prime minister. This is the worst thing
America has ever done to Japan. [LAUGHTER] Uh, I can think
of worse things America has done to Japan.
– Oh, yeah? Name two. Never mind. But look, it seems like
the trip is going pretty well– for Donald Trump, at least. Yeah, yeah, a little
too well, if you ask me. Really not looking
forward to our president becoming a Japan guy. Sorry, what is a Japan guy? It happens all the time. A white guy goes to Japan,
has a great time, and then he comes home
obsessed with Japanese culture, talking about all
the bullet trains, mounting a katana on his wall,
pronouncing it “ka-ra-teh.” Like, it’s karate. Karate!
– Oh. Oh, my god, you’re so right. Those guys are the worst
of all the guys. I know!
I know. And they seem normal at first. And then you go
over to their house, and they answer
the door in a kimono, asking you to take
your shoes off. And you’re like,
OK, Brandon-San. Like– You live in a walk in Brooklyn. My shoes are
the cleanest thing here. And they love talking to me,
because I’m half-Japanese. I’m from California.
OK? And I don’t watch anime. I’m an adult. Yeah, I know what
you mean, Troy. But isn’t it just respectful
to show some appreciation of Japanese culture? No! No, they take it too
far with everything. OK. When you offer sushi– Alaska roll, California
roll, Philadelphia roll. Those are named after places
you know for a reason. OK? Those are your rolls. Know your roll! [APPLAUSE, CHEERING] But, like, Japan
guys are diving way too deep into the menu. Like, do you really
want Donald Trump trying to say the word “nigiri”? [EXCLAMATIONS] It’s too close.
It’s too close. It’s not worth the risk. Not worth the risk. Too risky. But, look, maybe this
will work itself out. Trump is on his
way to South Korea. Maybe he’ll get
into their culture and just forget
all about Japan. Excuse me? OK, Korean culture will never
overpower Japanese culture. All right? Japan is dominant. It’s basically
the America of Asia. They colonized
everything– lovers of beef, some of the world’s
best and most creative porn. OK? I’m getting big America
vibes here in Tokyo. Wait, Troy, you’re
in Japan right now, talking about how influential
the United States is. I hate to say it, but you’re
kind of being an American guy. Oh, my god, you’re right. Last night, I sang karaoke. I sang “Sweet Home Alabama.” And I went to a wagyu place,
and I ordered a cheesesteak. Go, Birds! What am I saying? Oh, my god! Don’t worry, Troy,
we’ll get you home. Troy Iwata, everyone.

Desi Lydic breaks down Trump’s trip to Japan, which included a shockingly firm handshake from new Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi, decadent gifts to win the president’s heart, and a quick survey for the U.S. Navy about magnets. Plus, Troy Iwata is pretty sure Trump’s embarrassing antics in Tokyo are the worst things America has ever done to Japan. #DailyShow #DesiLydic #Trump #Japan

0:00 – Desi Lydic’s TDS Welcome
0:30 – The Government Shutdown Reaches Day 28
1:30 – Trump Heads to Japan and Meets the New Prime Minister
5:38 – Mike Johnson Addresses Shutdown Negotiations
6:37 – Trump Surveys U.S. Navy About Magnets
9:22 – The President Gives Troops Odd Compliment
10:18 – Troy Iwata Weighs in on Trump’s Japan Trip

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