Tente Não Rir: O Melhor do Humor e Piadas em Vídeos Engraçados #5. 2 horas de piadas!
These are pocket jokes to make you laugh. These are pocket jokes where good humor will flow. These are pocket jokes, you can’t resist. Press play now and let the comedy invade. Capitalism around the world. In ideal capitalism, you have two cows, sell one, buy a bull, and the herd grows. You sell the herd and retire. In American capitalism, you have two cows. You sell one, force the remaining one to give milk for four, and are shocked when it dies. [Laughter] In French capitalism, you have two cows and go on strike because you want three cows. In Japanese capitalism, you have two cows and graft them so they produce much more milk. After that, you create a computer game called Vacamon and get rich selling it all over the world. In English capitalism, you have two cows, and both are crazy. In Dutch capitalism, you have two cows that don’t like bulls, but that’s okay. In German capitalism, you have two cows that produce the best quality milk possible, always at the same time. In reality, you really wanted to raise pigs to make a good sausage. In Russian capitalism, you have two cows. No, you have five cows. No, you have 11 cows. I think you have 15 cows. I think you’d better stop counting and open a bottle of vodka. In Swiss capitalism, you don’t have any cows, but you charge to guard other people’s cows. In Cuban capitalism, you have two cows. One belongs to the state and the other swims away to the United States. In Chinese capitalism, you have two cows and 500 people milking them. In Indian capitalism, you have thousands of cows, but you can’t do anything because the cow is sacred there. And in Brazilian capitalism, you have two cows. You enroll one in Bolsa Família, the other in Zero Hunger, and live off the income. The duties of an intern in a company. Assistant wiretapper. Trainee telephone operator. Junior note-taker. Correction-in-training applicator. Operational sub-stamper. Full-time rubber band clipper. [Laughter] Bilingual stamp-paster. Two licks. Experienced paper shredder. Photocopying assistant, bag-sealing technician, advanced sandwich buyer, second-degree paper clip straightener, sports lottery official. A guy came into work and said to his coworker: “Man, yesterday must have been my lucky day. What happened? You won the lottery. No way! I know. You won the lottery, then? I didn’t win. You were awarded a car of the year. I didn’t go . What happened then? Can you imagine that I was leaving the motel with a hottie and my wife was coming in with another guy and she didn’t even see me? Pedro and Henrique were talking at the bar. And then Pedro says: “What do you think of your mother-in-law?” Mother-in-law? Mine is like my second mother. Wow. Then she must be a really nice mother-in-law to you. No way. My mom won’t leave me alone. Pedro then says: “I like my mother-in-law like a beer. So you love your mother-in-law, right? No way! I prefer her cold on a table. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that still hasn’t clicked like. Take advantage and activate the bell too. He doesn’t bite, he just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. A homeless man was lying on the sidewalk next to a river when he heard a car approaching. It was a luxury car. The car parked next to him, and a beautiful, well-dressed woman emerged and walked toward him. When the woman approached the homeless man, she kissed him on the mouth and said, “I’m very rich. What can my clothes and my car tell you? I’ve discovered that you’re the man of my life, and now all I want is to lie down next to you.” She then took off her dress, lay down next to the homeless man, and said, “It’s too tight in here. Move a little closer.” The homeless man then shrank to the side, fell into the river, and woke up. A lady had a parrot that was very [ __ ] and kept talking nonsense about sex. The lady, tired of listening to the parrot’s nonsense, went to ask the priest at the town parish what to do. The priest overhears the woman and says, “My daughter, I have two parrots here at the church that pray all day long. They only know how to pray. And my suggestion is that you bring your parrot so I can put it with my parrots, and with time, it will stop talking nonsense and start praying too.” The woman then takes the parrot to the priest, who puts it in the same cage as the other two parrots. The parrot then starts talking nonsense about sex, and one of the parrots, upon hearing the parrot’s nonsense, turns to the other parrot and shouts, “You can stop praying, our prayers have been answered.” A little boy was at the church door with a pocketknife in his hand, trying to hit a board on the floor. He threw the pocketknife at the board, but it didn’t stick. Then he said, “Shit!” I missed! and stayed there all afternoon trying. And when the priest saw it, the little boy went over and said, “My son, what an ugly thing you’re saying! If you say that one more time, God will throw a bolt of lightning from heaven right at your head.” The little boy throws the knife at the wood again, misses, and says, “Shit! I missed!” Just then, a loud bang is heard, and a bolt of lightning comes from the sky, and, believe it or not, hits the priest. Then a voice is heard from heaven saying, “Shit! I missed!” They say that Saddam Hussein had 10 female companions to deceive his enemies and ensure his safety. One day there was an attack in Iraq, and the head of security gathered the partners and said, “Gentlemen, I have good news and bad news for everyone. The good news is that our leader survived the attack and is alive.” Everyone celebrated the news, and one of the partners asked, “And what would be the bad news?” Well, the bad news was that he lost an arm. A man was playing golf when he lost count and no longer knew which hole he was on. He then saw a woman playing, approached, and asked, “I lost count and I don’t know which hole I’m on. Can you help me?” Of course, sir. You ‘re one hole behind me. I’m on hole five, and you’re on hole four. He then thanked her and continued playing. Minutes later, he found the same woman on the course and asked, “I got lost again. Could you tell me which hole I’m on now?” Look, you’re still one hole behind me. I’m on hole 14, and you ‘re on hole 13. He thanks her again and continues his game. When the game ends, the man goes to the club’s bar for a beer and sees the woman at the counter. He goes over to thank her and starts talking until he asks, “And what do you do?” She, embarrassed, says, “I sell sanitary pads.” The man starts laughing, and she asks, “May I ask what you’re laughing about?” “It’s because I sell toilet paper, and there’s still a hole behind you.” It was a very hot night, and the rock band was playing on stage, delighting the audience. Suddenly, the band stops playing, and the lead singer starts clapping in time with a new song. The audience goes silent, and the drums start playing in time with the clapping. The drums also stop playing. And on stage, only the lead singer is left clapping, then goes to the microphone and says, “Did you know that with every clap I make, a child dies in Africa?” One of the audience members then shouts, “Then stop clapping, you piece of shit.” In an archery tournament, the finalists were a Japanese man, an Englishman, and a guy from a Latin American country. The final challenge was to shoot an apple at the head of a dummy positioned 100 meters away. The Japanese man then grabs his equipment, aims at the target, and releases the arrow, hitting the apple right in the middle. He proudly says, “I am a samurai.” It was the Englishman’s turn, who grabs his equipment, aims at the target, releases the arrow, and hits the arrow right in the middle of the arrow fired by the Japanese man. The Englishman, proud of his achievement, says, “I am Robin Wood.” When it’s the third finalist’s turn, he grabs his equipment and shoots the arrow at the target, hitting the dummy right in the face. He awkwardly says, “I am sorry.” Henrique approaches Pedro and asks, “Pedro, how many rolls can you eat on an empty stomach?” Pedro thinks and thinks and says, “I think about six.” No way, Pedro. You only eat one, because after that, you’re no longer fasting. Pedro is amazed by the joke and when he meets his friend José, he asks him, “José, how many rolls can you eat on an empty stomach?” José thinks and says, “Certainly about eight, carambola! If you said six, I’d have a good answer for you.” During a lecture on nutrition, the speaker says that daily nutrition is very important for health. Red meat is difficult to digest. Soda can cause stomach upset. Raw food may not be very healthy. Vegetables and fruits, if not washed thoroughly before consumption, can carry worms. Even the water we drink daily can make us sick. Then a guy in the audience stands up and says, “Look, I know a food that is the most dangerous of all, and most of you here have already eaten it or will eat it. This food is so dangerous that it becomes harmful after a few years of eating it.” The speaker becomes curious and asks, “And what kind of food is this, sir?” Wedding cake. Back home, in the countryside, there was a family with twin daughters. The two girls were exactly alike, truly strikingly similar. Another family in the city had twin boys . The two twins then met the twins and started dating. It was a mess, as the boyfriends and girlfriends looked very similar. One day, one of the couples was in the town square making out. And then the girl said, “You’re not my boyfriend. You’re dating my sister, and I’m dating your brother.” So they went home and swapped names to make it right. Then the couples’ wedding day arrived, and there was a big party in town. At midnight, the party ended, and the couples went to a hotel ready for their wedding night. One of the couples was going to pray before going to bed, as the boy was very Catholic. Right after the prayer, the young man said, “You’re not my wife. We messed up again and we have to switch. You married my brother, and I married your sister.” She looked her brother-in-law straight in the eye and said, “Wow, it’s true. We’re so similar, there was this mix-up. Let’s go to their room and switch.” So they went to the other room, knocked on the door, and went in. The brother then said, “What’s up, bro?” That’s right. We got to the room, went to pray before going to bed, and right after we prayed, I realized this isn’t my wife. Mine stayed here with you, and I took yours by mistake. What do you want to do? So I came here so we can switch. Look, if you want to switch, we can switch. But no one here prayed. An old man said to his friend, “Friend, I’m very happy. But why, friend? It’s because there’s going to be another baby at home.” Your grandson is going to spend a few days at your house. My son was born yesterday. My friend, you’re 91 years old and you’re saying you had a new son. Open your eyes, my friend. The old man then said, “It’s not that, my friend. It’s a charm I learned. I’m 91 years old, but I feel like I’m 18.” The other old man became curious and asked, “Wow, my friend, what charm is this? Teach me how to do it. Just eat lots of bread, my friend. The more bread we eat, the stronger we get.” Early the next day, the other old man went to the bakery to buy bread. He arrived at the bakery and said to the baker, “Give me 50 rolls.” The baker was surprised and asked, “Is there going to be a party at your house?” No, is it just for me to eat? The baker then said, “50 rolls is a lot, so it’ll get stale quickly.” Hey, then give me 100. A family was at a party when the little boy pulled on his mother’s skirt and said, “Mommy, it smells like burning horns in here. Quiet down, son. Daddy has a fever.” A man walks into the bar with both arms in casts. A guy immediately asks, “Wow, what was that, sir?” “It was a plane crash.” “What? Where were you sitting on the plane?” No, it wasn’t like that. I was on top of my house and a plane flew over. I went to look and fell from up there. The woman dies, goes to heaven, and asks, “Can I talk to my husband, by any chance?” who passed away five years ago?” Yes, you can, ma’am. What was his name back on earth? It was Francisco. Francisco? But there are many Francisco here in heaven. He was quite tall. Even so, Francisco Tall has a lot here in heaven. Is there anything else to identify him? Let me see. Look, there’s one thing. Yes. We made a pact back on earth and if I betrayed him, he would start spinning around here in heaven. Oh, Chico Peão, your wife has arrived. Two very drunk guys were in a car when one turns to the other and says: “This car is going too fast. I’m going to jump out of it now.” The other drunk guy says: “Man, don’t jump, why are you the one driving?” A woman was confessing when she says: “Father, I committed a mortal sin and I’m deeply sorry. You can tell me, my daughter, but Father, I’m even embarrassed to tell you this. Don’t be embarrassed, my daughter. You can open up to me. Oh, look. Only God and I will know your secret. Okay? The embarrassed woman says, “Father, I had sex with my ass.” At that, the priest excused himself to the bathroom, as his ass was very tight and he needed to pee. Since the priest was taking too long, the woman left. Just then, a man arrived and, seeing the confessional empty, sat down and waited for the priest. The priest arrived and said, “Okay, you can tell me everything now. Besides having sex with your ass, what else did you do?” The man, amazed, said, “Wow, you’re a psychic besides being a priest, are you?” The situation was tense, and the husband turned to his wife and said, “Yeah, woman, you’re going to have to figure out how to make ends meet.” The woman grabbed her purse and left for battle. Two days later, she returned and handed her husband 501. The husband, satisfied, asked, “Just curious: who paid for the 501?” She replied, “Everyone.” The professor entered the zoology class and immediately asked the students, including Joãozinho, the monster. “Do you know how porcupines have sex?” Joãozinho stood up and answered carefully. Very carefully. A country bumpkin was taking his first plane trip. And just look at his luck. It was a Boeing 747, where everything is automatic. After a few hours of flying, he felt a strong urge to go to the bathroom and take a nice dump. Since the men’s room was occupied and seeing the country bumpkin’s desperation, the attendant let him use the women’s room and said: “The bathrooms on this plane are fully automatic. There’s not even toilet paper. You should press the buttons next to the toilet, but don’t press the red button, okay?” And off the country bumpkin went. When he finished, he looked for toilet paper, but found none. Then he saw the buttons the flight attendant had mentioned. There were three: green, blue, and red. He pressed the green button, and a jet of water washed his butt. Then he pressed the blue button, and a jet of air came out of the toilet, drying his butt. Finding that interesting, he decided to press the red button to see what would happen. He pressed it, and the whole plane heard a scream. The red button activated an automatic tampon remover. An elephant was infested with ants and rolled around on the floor until he was free of them. But only one ant remained stuck to the animal’s neck. The little ants on the ground then began to scream, “Wring his neck.” A very angelic, innocent teacher was teaching in the room where Johnny, or the monster, attended. Then she asked him: “Johnny, what do you like in life?” “I like you, teacher, you?” The teacher was completely moved by Johnny’s answer and said: “Johnny, because of your answer, which made me very proud, I’m going to buy you a soda during recess, okay? Which soda do you like?” “I like totatola, teacher!” A man comes home and says to his wife: “Look, I passed the doorman of the building and he told me that he had already had sex with all the women here, except one.” Then the distracted woman says: “It must be that conceited woman on the sixth floor.” Zezinho comes to his mother and asks, “Mommy, how was I born?” The stork brought you, my son. And my sister, she came by plane. Wow. There haven’t been any natural births in our family. Zezinho, don’t be rude and give my friend a kiss,” his mother says. “Are you crazy? I’m not. Daddy went to do this and got a slap from you. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked like yet, take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. If I come home late, I’m a maniac. If I’m late, I’m irresponsible. If I’m jovial, I don’t take anything seriously. If I act reserved, I think I’m good. If I worry about work, I’m boring. If I don’t care, I’m a loser. If I give a compliment, I’m a sycophant. If I criticize, I’m a jerk. If I stay late, I’m vying for a promotion. If I leave on time, I don’t care about the job. If I work overtime, I’m a bad professional. If I insist on my point of view, I’m not only stupid but also stubborn. If I don’t insist on my point of view, I have no opinion. If I’m the oldest in the room, I’m a prehistoric fossil. If I’m the youngest in the room, I’m nothing more than a rookie. If I get promoted, I’m the boss’s sycophant. If I don’t get promoted, I’m incompetent. If I fight for my rights, I’m a reactionary. If I go on strike, I’m a communist. If I don’t go on strike, I’m a fascist. If I try to help, I have the illusion that I know everything. If I don’t try to help, I’m afraid to share my knowledge. Oh, I don’t know what else to do. Do you know how to stop an elephant from escaping through a keyhole? Just tie a knot at the end of its tail. And how do you get an elephant through the eye of a needle? Just lick the tip of its tail. A young man has power and time, but no money. An older man has power and money, but no time for anything. An old man has time and money, but no power at all. A bald man enters a company’s chat and writes: “I want a bottle of this hair-growing lotion.” The salesperson then writes back: “Do you want the big one or the small one?” “I think it’s small. I don’t like very long hair, you know? Practical guide to modern science. One, if it’s green or moves, it belongs to biology. Two, if it stinks, it belongs to chemistry. Three, if nobody understands, it belongs to mathematics. Four, if it doesn’t work, it belongs to physics. Five, if it doesn’t make sense, it’s philosophy or psychology. A very ugly old lady walks into the police station and says, “I’ve come to file a complaint.” At the door of the market there’s a naked exhibitionist man wearing a cape. When I passed, he opened the cape, I saw that he had a huge, hard instrument and had the nerve to say to me, “Shall we make love?” Do I think he’s drunk or crazy?” The police officer looks up, sees the woman, looks down again, and says, “Yes, you’re right.” A drunk was arguing with a woman who was uglier than a worm in reverse. The drunk, fed up with the woman’s insults, said, “You’re uglier than the devil.” The woman goes crazy and says, “Look who’s talking, a drunk.” The drunk smiles and retorts. “That’s true. Oh, but tomorrow I’ll be over my drunkenness. ” A priest was preaching to the faithful on the subject of sin. Then he became more and more excited until he shouted, “Will there be a single virgin in this room? If there is one, let her stand.” He then paused and noticed that at the back of the church a young woman with a baby in her arms had gotten up from the pew. “Daughter, did you understand the question correctly? Of course, Father. But you wouldn’t want my two-week-old daughter to stand up by herself, would you? A guy walks into the bar and orders two whiskeys. The bartender then asks, “Wouldn’t you prefer a double whiskey?” “No, I’ll have two whiskeys. Can I have one now and one later?” “No, I’ll have both my whiskeys now.” The bartender then assumes the guy is crazy and serves him both whiskeys. Days pass and the guy returns to that bar, Always ordering two whiskeys. The bartender and he become friends until he decides to ask: “But why do you always want two whiskeys?” Oh, it’s a long story, my friend. I have a very loyal friend who saved my life during the war. He’s like a brother to me. So much so that when one of us is going to owe something, we order two things instead of one, thinking of each other. The bartender finds the explanation very beautiful and, with great emotion, promises to keep it in mind when serving two whiskeys to his new friend. One day, the guy comes into the bar with a very strange expression and a sad voice. He orders only one whiskey. The bartender, trembling, serves the whiskey to his friend and asks quietly: “Is that your friend?” “No, he’s dead.” “No, I decided to stop drinking.” A guy got on the bus, furious as hell, got to the turnstile and shouted: “Going forward, everyone’s cuckold. Going back, everyone’s sissies.” He pulls an indignant man up in front of the bus and politely tells him, “Excuse me, sir, but I’m not a cuckold.” The man, without hesitation, says, “Then get in the back.” One day, a man picks up his little dog, puts a leash on him, and goes for a walk. He’s walking the dog. When another man comes along, he’s enchanted by the puppy and says, “Wow, what a beautiful little dog!” The first man says, “No, it’s your eyes.” No, he’s really cute. What’s his name? It’s Toto. Toto. What a cute little name. Totozinho. Can I have it? The first man then says, “Okay, okay, let me tie the puppy up.” So, with much sacrifice, a family who lived on a farm and were very poor managed to save money to send their daughter to a school in the capital. A few months passed, and she returned home to visit her parents. She had a new car, jewelry, and a fur coat. The girl’s mother was She was astonished and asked: “My daughter, you went to the big city, with nothing, just one hand in front and the other behind? How did you manage all that? It was easy, Mom. You just had to take your hand out of the way.” A woman was with her lover in her bedroom when she noticed that her husband had come home early from work. The lover immediately hid in the wardrobe, but the door didn’t close properly and some of his pubic hairs were showing outside. When the husband arrived in the bedroom, he became suspicious and looked towards the wardrobe and saw those hairs. He asked the woman: “What’s that, woman?” “Oh, my dear, it must be the cat’s hair. Could I have locked it in the closet by any chance?” So, the husband decided to pull one of those hairs and heard: “Meow!” He pulled another and heard: “Meow!” Then he pulled another one. Meow, you cuckold. [Music] A woman goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor, I came here because after so many births, I feel a little wide. You can lie down and I’ll examine you, ma’am.” Once lying down and in the right position, the doctor examines the woman and says in amazement: “Wow, your pussy is wide! Wide, wide. You don’t have to humiliate me, right, doctor? Why repeat that so many times? Oh, ma’am, I only said it once; the rest was just echoes. In a movie theater, a couple was watching a dirty movie and the girl decided to perform oral sex on a man wearing a cap. They were enjoying it so much that the movie ended, the lights came on, and they continued. Finally, they touched each other. The man took off his cap and covered his penis. And the girl pretended to look for something on the floor. Where is it? Where is it? An old lady who was watching the couple replied: “My daughter, if you didn’t swallow it, it’s under your hat.” A little boy went to the zoo with his mother when he noticed a hippo on top of another hippo, under a guava tree, and asked his mother: “Mommy, what are those two animals doing?” The mother was embarrassed and replied: “Oh, my son, the hippo is helping the hippo get some guavas.” The boy then commented: “Daddy told me: ‘Those who help others always get it in the ass.'” They continued their tour of the zoo and the little boy stopped to observe a hippo with an erect penis and asked his mother: “Mommy, what’s that?” The mother gets embarrassed again and says, “Oh, son, that’s nothing.” Quickly, a man nearby commented, “Ma’am, if that’s nothing, your husband must be a colossus.” Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that still hasn’t clicked like. Take advantage and activate the bell too; it doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some handsome robot. The husband went to the doctor to get a prescription for his wife’s frigidity. When he gets there, he says, “Doctor, I can’t take it anymore. My wife doesn’t feel a thing. She even read a magazine while we have sex. Don’t worry, sir. Make some catuaba tea and the problem will be solved.” A week later, the husband returns to the doctor’s office in distress. Doctor, it didn’t work. She really doesn’t feel a thing. The doctor then says, “I’m going to give you an infallible remedy. Get a guy to fan you while you have sex. But ask him to fan you nicely, okay?” The husband goes home with the guy he hired and has sex with his wife, with the guy fanning them. The woman doesn’t feel a thing. She looks from side to side without any pleasure. The husband gets pissed off. He gets off his wife, grabs the fan, and tells the guy to have sex with his wife. After a few minutes, she starts screaming with pleasure and tells him not to stop. The husband then shouts, “See? This is how you fan.” The doctor tells the patient: “Look, you’re going to have to do a sperm collection, okay? Take this little bottle and go home and fill it. When it’s full and ready, you can bring it to the clinic’s laboratory, okay?” The patient went home with a little bottle. Three days went by and he came back to the office. “Look, doctor, I couldn’t do it. With both, doctor, the right and the left. And your wife, didn’t she help? She tried to help, but it didn’t work. Just so you know, even my father-in-law and mother-in-law helped.” The doctor is amazed and says: “What do you mean? My father-in-law tried with his hand too, and my mother-in-law with her mouth.” The doctor is shocked and says: “My God!” That’s right, doctor. No one could open that damn bottle. A boy came home and said to his father: “Daddy, Daddy, today I had my first experience.” The father, all proud of his son, said: “That’s great, son! Sit down and tell me everything. I can’t sit down and it hurts. ” Carlos and João were fishing on a boat in the open sea. Carlos caught one fish after another, and João didn’t catch anything. “And
I don’t catch anything.” How do you do it? “It’s simple, ” Carlos replies. “Before fishing, you have to slap a woman’s ass. If you do that, you’ll catch a lot of fish too.” The next day, João goes fishing again and slaps his wife’s ass. She then says, “Go fishing again, Carlos.” Three young women who practiced the oldest of professions—you know what it is, right? They lived with their grandmother, but their grandmother didn’t even suspect their work. Every day when they left for work, they told their grandmother they were going to the doctor to visit a relative, and so they kept going. One day, their ID cards expired, and to get a new one, they had to undergo a series of tests and then obtain authorization from the city police chief. They underwent the tests, and all were fine and had to go to the police station to obtain authorization from the police chief. They were leaving the house when the girls’ grandmother asked where her granddaughters were going. One of them then replies: “We’re going to visit a friend of ours, who has a huge orange grove, and since it’s orange harvest season, she invited us there.” “Oh, then I want to go with you. I love oranges.” The two younger girls are worried and don’t know what to say to their grandmother. The older girl then reassured them, saying: “Don’t worry, sisters. Grandma walks slowly, and when she gets to the police station, we’ll already have authorization in hand.” And so they went to the police station. When the girls get there, the youngest goes into the police chief’s office, while the other two stay at the door. Waiting for her grandmother, who was walking at a tired snail’s pace. The police chief lectured the girl, saying that wasn’t a normal life and how could a pretty girl like her do something like that? She said there was no other way and was given permission. Then tell your sister to come in. The middle sister arrived, and the scene repeated itself. The old lady was already arriving, thirsty after the walk, wanting nothing more than to know about the oranges. When she arrived, the older woman said: “Grandma, I think our friend left, but I really wanted to eat an orange. Grandma, the orange grove is way back, and you’d have to go through that door, cross the whole house. And to get the oranges, how would you do it?” Before the old lady could say anything, the police chief opened the police station door to call the third girl. Seeing the girls’ grandmother, he was surprised and said: “But what’s the problem with you? I don’t fuck, but I do suck.” A country couple goes to the doctor’s office and says, “Hey, are you the eye doctor?” [Laughter] No, sir, I’m an ophthalmologist. So let’s go, woman. Your problem is in your eyes. Johnny goes to the pharmacy and says, “Mr. Pedro, can I have a suppository?” The pharmacist then asks if it’s for his mother’s account, and Johnny replies, “It’s not for my father’s ass.” A boy says to his friend, “Did you know I can solve a Rubik’s Cube in 30 seconds? Wow, are you that smart? No, it’s just that I’m colorblind.” Two friends go to the bathroom after a company lunch and one asks the other, “Do you happen to have dental floss?” Yes, I do, but I’m using it. A boy comes home angry and says, “Dad, what kind of shitty genetics do everyone have here ? Everyone loses their hair in this house and goes bald. But, my son, I’m your mother. A boy who lived on the farm was up on a neighbor’s star fruit tree, eating the fruit. When he looked down, who was there? The farm owner with a shotgun in his hand. He looked at the boy and said, “You bastard, I’m going to tell your father that you’re stealing fruit from my farm.” The boy ignored him and said, “Tell him now, he’s on the top branch.” [Music] A little boy, the son of a pig farmer, went into his backyard and saw a piglet’s babies suckling. He ran inside and shouted, “Mommy! The piglets knocked the pig over and are eating all the buttons on her shirt. ” A little cow was trapped in a barbed wire fence when a bull approached and said, “Hi, little cow, how are you?” What’s your name, little cow?” The little cow said, “Look, I’ll only tell you my name if you come in here.” The ox thought, “Is today the day I catch this little cow?” He runs the distance from the pen, runs, and jumps the fence, standing next to the little cow. Okay, I jumped. Now tell me your name. My name is Flores Bela, but you can call me Bela because the flowers stayed in the field. And what’s yours?” The ox said, “Mine is Bagulhino, but you can call me Lino because the berries stayed in the fence. In the square of a small town, there was a man who called himself the prophet. People paid and listened to what the prophet had to say. Then a smart, cocky young man appeared, saying that it was all just charlatanism from the prophet, that people shouldn’t believe in the idle talk he considered bedtime stories. The prophet gets pissed off and says, “If you pay me, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. So I’ll pay you 20 and I want to hear your nonsense.” He reached into his pocket, took two 10-dollar bills from his wallet, and handed them to the prophet, asking him to speak loudly, as everyone had to hear. The prophet then puts his hands up and says, “Right now, your father is drinking beer at the bar next to your house.” The boy smiles and says, “Didn’t I tell you this is nonsense? My father died over 10 years ago.” The prophet then responds loudly, “My son, the one who died was your mother’s husband. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger who hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too; it doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, Even if it’s just umi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. A guy who had just arrived from the countryside—he was a farmer—went to a dealership, bought a nice car, and met a friend who asked if he could drive her home. The guy then said he would drive her, no problem. The two chatted, and when they arrived at her friend’s house, she invited him to eat some cheese bread, but he declined. He said they had already had a good lunch and didn’t want any. The girl then invited the guy to come down and have a coffee with her. The guy then said, “Okay, I’ll have a coffee, yes.” The girl opened the car door and asked, “Excuse me, but did you bring a condom?” Hey, but doesn’t coffee from a filter taste better? A country boy had his wife in the maternity ward because their first child had just been born. So he goes to the hospital to meet his baby. He arrived at the reception, saw a woman, and asked, “Look, I’m here to see my baby, who was born a few hours ago, you know? I’m a country boy, new in town, and I got lost. Can I still see him today?” Look, I’ll make an exception for you. Go up these stairs to the right, okay? Thank you very much, ma’am.” And off he went. He went upstairs and soon saw a large sign that said, “Super Smart and Cute Babies.” He saw some babies lying in their cribs, approached the first nurse he saw, and asked, “I want to see my baby.” Okay. Can you tell me your name? My name is Chico Martim Gaspareto, from Santa Cruz. There shouldn’t be many here. Let me see. No, I don’t have any fathers named Chico Martim here. Try the top floor. He climbs the stairs again and finds another sign that reads: “Above-average intelligent and beautiful babies.” There are more babies in cribs, and he goes to ask a nurse if his baby is there. “No, sorry, but your child isn’t here. Try the top floor.” He goes up another floor and sees another sign that says: “Babies with normal IQ.” He finds another nurse and asks if his beloved baby is there, but gets the same answer. It seems his baby isn’t here. Maybe he’s on the floor above. Now familiar with the steps of that staircase, he climbs until he finds another sign that says: “Weaker intellectually and less beautiful babies.” He is disappointed, but still goes to ask the nurse, who says: “You’ll have to go look upstairs because your baby isn’t here. Just go up one more floor. I know the way. Thank you very much.” Climbing the stairs again , he finds another sign that says: “Dumb and ugly babies.” He’s very disappointed and thinks, “It might be here. Nurse, can you tell me if my baby is here?” After searching, she turns and says, “No, he’s not here. You’ll have to go upstairs.” He then goes up another floor and sees another sign saying, “Completely stupid and ugly babies.” Another nurse asks, and the answer is no. “Sir, your baby is definitely upstairs. Why isn’t he here? I’m sorry.” He already thought he was on the top floor of the hospital, but he still climbs the stairs when he sees the sign. ” Future parasites and misfits of society. Worst babies born in this hospital.” Nurse. He then hears the same conversation. “As you can see, there are few babies here, and I can assure you that yours isn’t here. There’s only one more floor above this one. And that’s where your baby must be.” “Ah, I’m finally going to see my son,” says the country bumpkin as he climbs the stairs. He then sees a sign that reads: “Son of Chico Martim Gaspareto, Santa Cruz.” A man arrives at the pharmacy, discouraged, and says, “Do you have anything you can give me to help me climb the walls?” Yes, I do, sir. Ah, the pharmacist goes to the storeroom and brings a ladder. They say that in Brazil, the miners have the strongest teeth. One day, the miner said to the other: “Hold on, friend, I’m going to go get some food and I’ll be right back.” Two country folk are talking. Compadre, Mr. Nicanor’s daughter got married, and when she was single, she was A skinny matchstick. I saw her last week and [__] is fat as a buffalo. It’s true, friend, but I know why. Do you know what happened then? When she was single, she would open the fridge to eat, get discouraged, and go to bed. Now that she’s married, she sees what ‘s on the bed, gets discouraged, and goes straight to the fridge to eat. A crazy man went to the supermarket to buy a box of matches. He got there, took the box, went to the cashier, and went back to the asylum. When he arrived, he gave the box to the cook, who after a few minutes said: “Wow, I’ve already struck 10 matches and they don’t light.” The crazy man then says: “Impossible, I tested them one by one at the supermarket.” The husband comes to his wife and asks: “Honey, tell me what you would do if I won the lottery?” And the wife replied, “Easy. I’d take my half of the money and get out of here.” The husband then said, “I won 20. Take your 10 and then get out.” A somewhat silly guy went on a trip and his father and mother asked him to send a portrait of himself upon arrival. He left and when he arrived, he saw a shopping mall, went in, and as he was walking, he saw a portrait shop and went in. He saw a beautiful mirror and said, “Wow, that’s the perfect portrait to send to my parents.” The following week, the parents receive the mirror in the mail, open the package, and the father says, “Gee, our son is old, isn’t he?” The mother looks at it and also adds, “That’s an old bitch.” A Japanese man was walking down a street in a Brazilian city and suddenly a thief appears and says, “Stop!” The Japanese man then replies, “Stop!” The angry thief retorts, “Can’t you see I’m robbing you?” The Japanese man replies: “Then I won’t play with you anymore.” A guy receives an anonymous letter that says: “Olavo, I’m sorry to inform you, but your wife is cheating on you with your best friend. He goes crazy. So he goes to your room, opens the nightstand drawer, takes your revolver, goes to the backyard and shoots the dog twice.” The Japanese man, an American and a Brazilian, were in the mall bathroom talking about technology. The Japanese man then says: “I answer my Japanese cell phone with a chip on my finger. The American, not to be left behind,” says: “And I, who answer my American phone with the chip in the palm of my hand?” The Brazilian, without saying anything, goes to the toilet and puts a roll of toilet paper on his butt. He comes out of the toilet saying: “I just received a fax.” The summit, at the top of that summit I planted a rosebush. When the wind blows on the summit, the rose on the summit smells. When the light rain falls, splashes fall on the summit. Butterflies on the summit come in, frogs on the summit come out. When the heavy rain falls, the water on the summit runs down. The mud on the summit runs off, the weeds on the summit grow. When the rain stops, joy returns to the summit. For the sun that burned on the summit shines again. A woman and her husband go to the judge to ask for a divorce. The judge then asks: “Are you sure of what you’re asking for? Do you want a divorce because of compatibility of temperaments? Wouldn’t it be the other way around?” The woman then says: “No, Your Honor. It’s really because of the compatibility of our personalities. I like movies, and so does my husband. I like going to the beach, and so does he. I like going to the theater, and so does he. Oh, I like men, and so does he. The husband was discouraged with his wife, having been married for 30 years. So the woman buys a kit from her aunt to lift the couple’s spirits. She dresses up in the costume and asks, “Honey, who do I look like?” He looks at his wife and says, “From the neck up, you look like Zorro, from the neck down, you look like Sergeant Garcia.” Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some handsome robot. A guy was unemployed and decided to talk to his friend. Well, I’m unemployed and I don’t know what to do. The friend then says, “Why don’t you sell candy apples on the street?” Good idea. I think I’ll give it a try. So the guy started selling candy apples on the city streets. The first day, he didn’t sell anything. The second day, nothing. The third day, nothing either. Then he meets his friend and says, “I’m not selling anything, but you have to put a different flavor on the candy apples.” So, the next day, the guy goes back out on the street shouting, “Look, the candy apples taste like frogs.” He sold everything the first day, the second day he sold everything, and the third day he sold everything too. One day, a very muscular, tall, brutish man comes along and says, “Does this really taste like frogs?” Yes, it does, sir. Look, okay? If it doesn’t taste like that, I’ll beat you up. So the man opens the apple packaging and takes a bite. He immediately says, “But does this taste like shit?” Then the guy, already scared, says, “Give it a little drink.” A mental institution was very full, so the director decided to conduct a test to see who was the least crazy to send away. He then orders the asylum’s pool to be emptied and puts dirt in. Soon after, he asks all the insane inmates to dive in, thinking that whoever didn’t jump in would be the least insane. Then he realizes that only one of the insane didn’t dive in and says, “Congratulations, you’re the only one left standing.” The insane man then replies, “The pool is too crowded, and I’m waiting for someone to drown.” A doctor approaches his patient and says, “Unfortunately, you only have six months to live.” “Wow, doctor, what now? What do I do? Look, if I were you, I would marry a really old, boring, and really ugly woman, and then move to Paraguay. But why, doctor? These are going to be the longest six months of your life. The woman gave birth, and when the doctor brought the child to her, he said, “Congratulations on your son, but there’s just one little problem.” The woman then asks, “What’s the problem, doctor?” Your baby was born without arms. Okay, I’ll love him anyway. There’s another problem. What is it? He was born without legs too. She then says, “Just the head and the torso. Okay, no problem. I’ll love him anyway. There’s another problem.” The woman asks, “What’s the other problem?” And the doctor says, “He was born without a head, just a torso.” The doctor says again. This is another little problem. The desperate woman asks, “Was he born without a torso too?” The doctor answers yes, and she says, “Wow.” The doctor then says, “Ma’am, it’s an ear.” The woman cries a lot and says she will love him as if he were a normal child. The doctor then says, “There’s another little problem? Even more problems?” The doctor then says, “The baby is deaf.” A Frenchman, an American, and a Brazilian were traveling on a private jet. The aircraft’s engine malfunctioned, and the pilot says, “Gentlemen, we’re going to have to bail out.” The Frenchman then put his arm out of the plane and said, “We’re in France.” The pilot asks, “How do you know?” “I’ve already touched it there, king fail,” and bails out. The American put his arm out of the jet and said, “No, this is the United States.” The pilot asked again, “How do you know? I touched the Statue of Liberty and it jumped.” The Brazilian then stuck his arm out of the jet and said, “No way! This is Brazil.” The pilot asked again, “But how do you know how to steal my watch?” A guy was at the back of the bar, sad and devastated, with a glass of drink, when an angry guy came in, breaking everything, yelling at everyone. The guy went up to the guy’s table, grabbed the glass, drank half of it, and then threw the rest in his face. “Say something, you bastard. ” The guy replied, “Today is my unlucky day. Early this morning I overslept because the power went out, and I had to go down 15 floors using the stairs. I was leaving the garage and my car had a flat tire . I wasted half an hour changing the tire. I left in a hurry and ended up crashing my car into a pole. I was very late for work. I argued with my boss and was fired . Because of this, I arrived home much earlier and caught my wife in bed. with a lover. Then I lost my temper right away. I went to hit the guy and ended up getting beaten up badly. I went to take a shower and got an [ __ ] electric shock. And to completely end my day, I’m here in my own house, preparing to commit suicide. Some idiot comes along and still drinks my entire glass of poison. The guy worked hard all day, sweaty, dressed in his suit and tie. He was walking home and sees a country bumpkin lying in a hammock with a grass in the corner of his mouth, completely off guard. One guy can’t resist and says: “Did you know that laziness is one of the seven deadly sins?” The country bumpkin, without even moving, passes the grass to the other side of his mouth and replies: “Look, envy is too.” Joãozinho’s mother was with her friends in her living room when the kid comes in and shouts: “Manê! I want to pee!” The mother, very embarrassed, takes her son to the bathroom and says: “Johnny, that’s not how you ask to go to the bathroom, right? When you want to pee, say you want to pee, okay?” Over the weekend , Johnny went to his grandparents’ house and woke up in the middle of the night and said to his grandfather: “Grandpa, I want to go upstairs.” “But Johnny, it’s already very late, are you going to wake your grandmother?” “But Grandpa, I need to go upstairs, then.” Okay, Johnny. I peeed here in my ear. [Music] Two friends had gotten married and met in the supermarket. They started talking and forgot about time. After chatting for a long time, they realized they had lost their wives and needed to find them. One of the friends then asked: “What’s your wife like?” The other replied: “She’s blonde, very long hair, a prominent butt, big breasts, and she’s wearing a very short miniskirt with a tight, low-cut top.” And what’s yours like? Never mind, let’s find yours. In heaven, Saint Peter says, “Okay, everyone, let’s organize the entrance here in two lines. You men who have always dominated your women, line up here on the left. Now, the men who have always been dominated by your women, line up on the right.” After much confusion, finally all the men were lined up. The line of men dominated by their women was over 2 kilometers long. And the line of men who dominated their women had only one man. Saint Peter then says, “You should be ashamed. God created you in his image, and you allowed yourselves to be dominated by your women. Only one of you honored your masculine condition and made God proud of his work. Learn from him.” Saint Peter turns to the lone man in line and says, “Tell all these men how you managed to be the only one in this line?” Hey, hey, look, Saint Peter, I’m not sure, but it was my wife who told me to stay here. Hey, you there? Yes. You, with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked like yet, take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. I owe so many people, and also the bank, that if I call my wife “honey,” the bank will take me. The guy arrives at work completely drunk. The boss then takes him aside and gives him a hard time. “Hey, Pessanha, this isn’t right, is it? You can’t come to work in this state. Are you firing me from the company? No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just that you’re falling down drunk. Oh, but the optician told you to, okay? The optician said: “Are you crazy, Pessanha?” Yes, you were. “Want to see?” He then takes a crumpled prescription from his pocket and says: “Look, you can read what’s written under the doctor’s scrawl. Take this three times a day.” Two men were climbing a huge mountain, until one fell and fell. Since they had a radio to communicate, the one who remained on the mountain called the one who fell and said, “Are you okay, buddy? Did you break anything?” The fallen Noquil replied, “I’m fine. I didn’t break anything . Good! Why didn’t you climb back up then?” It’s because I’m still falling. Two country guys were fishing in a river on the side of the road. Near their fishing spot, they put up a sign on the road that read, “The end is near. Change course before it’s too late.” A driver who was… Driving past the place, he shouted at the two: “Don’t bother me, you hicks. You don’t know what you’re talking about. What nonsense is this?” A short time later, they both heard a very loud noise. One of the friends said to the other: “I was just thinking: ‘Or don’t you think it would be kind of like if we just wrote ‘broken bridge’ in front of it?’ [Music] Cinnamon is the body’s device used to find objects in the dark. I’m not kidding. I was just imagining what life must be like for a blind person at home. A woman convinces her husband to go and see an opera at the city’s municipal theater. So they go, the show starts, and a few minutes after it started, he feels an elbow. It was his wife who says: “Osvaldo, look how awful! The guy in front of us fell asleep in the armchair. The husband replies: [Music] “And you woke me up just to tell me this? Two country brothers were in the fields weeding under the hot sun, when suddenly on the farm road a very nice car breaks down and a beautiful woman gets out. She goes up to the country men and asks: “Do you gentlemen know where there’s a hotel around here where I can spend the night? My car broke down and I need to spend the night here. Tomorrow I’ll try to find a mechanic in town.” One of the country men then says: “Look, lady, we don’t have any of that kind of hotel around here, no.” The other man, who was very smart, quickly turned to the woman and said: “Look, lady, it’s okay . We have a little house very close by. It’s Mirde, but it’s enough for the three of us to sleep. Tomorrow you can fix your car and leave.” The woman, without many options, accepted the invitation and went to sleep at the hillbillies’ house. One hillbilly slept in one of the bedrooms, the other slept in the living room, and the woman slept in another room. In the early morning, the woman got up and went to the hillbilly, who was sleeping in the living room, and had sex with him. Then she went to the other room and sweated. The next day she left very grateful. A few months passed and the two hillbillies remembered the woman they asked for help and said to each other: “You know, bro, I didn’t want to tell you, but I’ll tell you, she had sex with me.” That’s right, bro, since you’re talking to me too. In fact, she told me to use a condom that afternoon so I wouldn’t get sick. Did you get sick, bro? No, I didn’t, but I’m going to use a condom this afternoon, it’s already bothering me too much. Two effeminate guys were talking when one looked at the other’s boot and said, “Wow, what a beautiful boot! What are they made of?” The other guy then replied, “It’s made of cow’s dick leather.” But hurry up, the other said, “Wow, then kick my ass.” One day, Johnny was playing soccer when he accidentally broke the neighbor’s window. His mother saw it and said, “Johnny, you’re going to be grounded in your room without leaving. Okay, Mommy.” She then locked the bedroom door and window so he couldn’t leave under any circumstances and then left for work. At the end of the day, his father and mother returned home and saw him playing soccer on the porch. She went over to him and asked, “Johnny, how did you get out of your room?” “Through the hole in the ceiling.” Frightened by her son’s response, she goes with her husband to his room and finds a hole in the ceiling. They panic and start filling the hole. Just then, the doorbell rings, and Joãozinho goes to answer. It was the neighbor who asks, “Where’s your dad, Joãozinho?” He’s upstairs with my mother, filling the hole I escaped through. Two crazy people were released from the asylum, and since they had a lot of money, they said to each other, “Gaspar, we have to invest in something that will make us a lot of money.” Then Gaspar said, “Shall we buy a taxi?” Yes, Gaspar, “What a brilliant idea you had.” After 60 days, they hadn’t picked up any passengers. Then Gaspar said, “Let’s find another business, because until now we’ve only lost money on gas and haven’t picked up any passengers.” They were working together. Good news. Your wife is pregnant. Bad news is tremors. Worse, you had a vasectomy last year and didn’t tell her. Good. Your wife doesn’t talk anymore. with you. Bad, she wants a divorce. Worse, she’s a lawyer. Terrible. She’s having an affair with the judge. Good. Your son spends a lot of time locked in his room studying. Bad. You find several pornographic tapes under his bed. Worse, you and your wife appear in most of the tapes. Terrible. In some tapes, your wife appears and you don’t. Good. Your daughter got her first bad job as a massage therapist in those places that do everything. You know worse? Your soccer buddies are becoming her clients. Terrible. She’s earning 10 times more than you and said she’ll renovate the house and give you a new car. Good. You found a hot babe to chat with. You started with erotica, moved on to sex, and ended up in pure pornography. Bad. Unable to take it anymore, you decide to reveal your identity. She replies that she knows you and that it won’t work out, and that you’re nothing but a scoundrel. Your mother-in-law was worse. Good. The company is going to raise employees’ salaries. Bad. The raise will only be possible by laying off some of the staff. Worse, you’re one of those who will be fired. Terrible for just cause, because they discovered that your diploma is fake and the course you took isn’t legally recognized. Good. You found the phone number of that super hottie you used to sleep with like crazy. Bad? You call her and they tell you she’s hospitalized. Terrible. You find out she died. Worse, I gave her aides. A drunk gets on the bus and sits next to a nun who was distracting herself with a crossword puzzle. She sees the drunk who doesn’t take his eyes off the book and says teasingly: “Oh, it’s ugly and on top of that it has an unbearable stench.” The drunk looks at the nun, looks at the book, and says: “Look, if it has five letters, it’s fio or fó. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger who hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too.” It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. A guy walks into a bar and says to the clerk: “Give me a pinga, and one for everyone here and one for you, okay?” The clerk thinks the guy’s attitude is cool and serves cachaça to everyone in the bar. When it’s time to pay for the cachaça, the guy says he doesn’t have any money and gets yelled at by the clerk. The next day, the same guy returns to the same bar and makes the same order as the day before. “Give me a pinga, one for all the customers here, okay? And you can get one for yourself too. ” The clerk then thinks that after the guy’s yelling the day before, it’s impossible not to pay him again. Once again, when it’s time to pay, the guy has no money and gets yelled at by the clerk again. The next day, the same guy, completely broken from being yelled at by the clerk, returns to the same bar, goes up to the counter, and says: “Give me a pinga, one for everyone here, except for you. When you drink, you get very violent.” One day, Joe and Tião went fishing and decided to rent a canoe. So, they took the canoe, put it in the river, and went fishing. They kept going until they stopped in one spot and couldn’t catch anything. They paddled again to another spot, and Joe started catching a lot of fish. He then said to Tião: “Tião, mark your spot so we’ll come back here tomorrow, okay?” Tião then marked the spot so they could return the next day. On their way back, Joe asked Tião if he had marked the spot, and Tião replied: “Yes, I did, right at the tip of the canoe.” Zé then turns to Tião and says: “You’re really stupid, aren’t you, Tião? What if tomorrow they give us another canua?” There were three guys on a plane, one of whom was a bit of a fool. The plane was falling and they had to save themselves. The two smartest guys jumped with parachutes, but the fool couldn’t get his to work. He gets desperate and when he looks at the floor of the plane, sees a little pot, passes the control through his hair and jumps the parachute like that. He falls from up high and crashes down there. Curious, the men who were down there went to see why he had jumped his parachute. Then they saw the little jar in his hand, took it, and read: “Cream for hair breakage.” After a full day of hiking, a hunter and his guide finally reach the peak of a very high mountain. They set up camp and that evening, around a campfire they built, they talk. “I was thinking, Bernardo, you’re a great guide and I’m very confident, but I was thinking about something late. If I were to have an accident or get sick, how would you get me back to town? Have you thought about that? I weigh almost 100 kg. I don’t see any problem, boss. Did you know that last year I descended this mountain alone, carrying a wild boar weighing almost 240 kg on my back? 240 kg alone. How did you do that, Bernardo? Well, I had to make about 10 trips. A senior executive’s secretary notices that he had his fly open in a meeting and awkwardly tries to warn him: “Doctor, you left your garage door open.” He quickly zipped up his fly and said mischievously, “Have you seen my red Ferrari?” “No, sir. All I saw was a faded red VW Beetle with both front tires completely flat. ” A very jealous guy asks his girlfriend who has just come out of the doctor’s. He asks, “What were you feeling?” “Yes, honey,” he asks. “Did he say it out of your mouth?” “Oh, yes, honey. He did. Did he mention your breasts?” “Of course he did.” “And did he mention your legs?” Oh, yes, he did. And his big butt. He said, “Oh, he didn’t mention you at all.” Guilamino arrives at work with both ears taped up. His coworkers asked, “What was that, Guilamino?” I was watching football and my wife was ironing next to me. Just then the phone rang, and I was so engrossed in the game that I mistook the iron for the phone. His coworkers laughed and asked, “And the other ear?” Yeah, right. As soon as I hung up, the phone rang again. [Music] The boy was playing with a balloon , which fell into the toilet. Disgusted to pick it up, the kid ended up leaving the balloon there and stopped playing. Shortly after, the boy’s father enters the bathroom, ready to take a dump. With his cell phone in his hand, he doesn’t notice that there is a balloon inside the throne and sits down. He then begins work and during The phone’s navigation is slowly downloading the shit. Some time later, the man gets up and sees the toilet filled to the brim with shit, and he’s startled. “Oh my God, I shit so much. How much shit is in here?” Stunned, he calls his doctor and explains the situation. The doctor says he’s going to the man’s house to discuss the situation live. Once there, the doctor is taken to see the whole mess. He’s also startled and says, “Good grief, the shit covered the entire toilet. It must have gotten all over your ass. No jokes, please, doctor. I’m desperate. Can you tell me what’s wrong? I still don’t know. I need to order a feces test to find out.” The doctor takes a spatula from his bag to collect some feces, but as soon as he touches the poop, the thing explodes, and the shit flies everywhere. The doctor looks at the man, both covered in shit, and says, “Honestly, I’ve seen a lot in my life, but I’ve never seen a fart with a crust.” A very wealthy lady went to the city’s nursing home every year. She chose a ward to visit and chatted with the patients . That year, Ward C was chosen, and there was a huge corridor with about 50 beds. The woman started with the bed closest to the door and asked, “What’s your name, sir?” José da Silva. “Madam, what’s your illness, Mr. José?” “I have hemorrhoids,” the old man replies. “And what’s your treatment?” Strokes of mercury. What’s your greatest wish, Mr. José? To be cured soon, madam.” She then greets the patient and moves on to the second bed, where the same conversation takes place with another old man: name, illness, and treatment. Coincidentally, with the exception of the name, the answers match. They all had hemorrhoids, and they were all treated. with mercury brushstrokes. She was tired of hearing that so much, but she continued through the remaining beds. Until, in the last bed, there was an old man who changed everything. What’s your name? Nivaldo Constantino. And what’s your illness, Mr. Nivaldo? My tonsils are inflamed, madam. What’s your treatment? Mercury brushstrokes. And what would be your greatest wish? I wanted a brush all to myself. [Music] A couple arrives on their honeymoon, locks themselves in the bedroom, and the bride says, “Honey, I have something to tell you. Tell me, Honey. Do you know why I wanted to get married a virgin? It was because I’m embarrassed by my breasts. They’re too small. But, honey, I don’t care about that. Since you brought it up, I have something to confess to you too. What is it, honey? Do you know why I never asked you before the wedding? I don’t know. Why? It’s because of the size of my bingo. He’s like a newborn. He’s tiny. No, honey. He’s about 50 cm long and weighs about 4 kg. Hey, you there? Yes. You with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. Johnny, Pedrinho, and Juquinha was betting to see who had the best memory. Pedrinho then said: “I can perfectly remember the time my mother breastfed me. If I close my eyes, I can feel the warmth of her breast.” Juquinha quickly said: “That ‘s nothing. I already remember the day I was born. It was a very dark tunnel, and the doctor pulled me out by my legs.” Joãozinho, not to be outdone, said: “But that’s nothing, guys. I remember going on a picnic with my father and coming back with my mother. [Music] A guy was unemployed and got a job at a construction company. One day, his boss called him and said: “Can you go and measure the length of that pole in the yard?” A few minutes later, there was the guy with wrenches, hammers, and a pickaxe trying to pull the pole out of the ground. A colleague saw it, went up to him, and said: “Why don’t you use a ladder?” The guy shakes his head and says, “Then they’ll say I’m stupid. He told them to measure the length, not the height, right?” A madman was returning to the asylum on a completely empty bus and sat down on a random bench. Suddenly it started to rain, and he realized he’d sat under a leak, but he sat there, firm and strong, with the water dripping on his head. After a while, the conductor, who was watching, asked, “Sir, why don’t you change seats?” “I’ve thought about it, but who am I going to switch with?” [Music] A guy comes home three hours later than usual and says, “Honey, you have no idea what happened to me. What’s wrong, honey? I left work and stopped by the mall to take a look. And when I was halfway up the escalator, the power went out. I stood there for almost two hours waiting for the power to come back on. How are you turned off, honey, for not sitting down?” An extremely jealous woman goes to a fortune teller to read her future. The fortune teller then says, “I have two pieces of bad news, madam. Your husband has a mistress and you’re going to be a widow very soon. So see if I’ll be absolved.” Two friends meet at the bar and one says to the other, “Did you know that Valdemar is hospitalized?” “It can’t be. Just yesterday I ran into him at a dance and saw him dancing with a gorgeous blonde.” Well, his wife saw it too. A group of people were visiting a history museum. They stopped in front of a skeleton and asked the guide, “Whose skeleton is that over there? This skeleton is of Pedro Álvares Cabral, a great Portuguese navigator. And that smaller skeleton next to it, oh, that’s the skeleton of Pedro Álvares Cabral when he was a child. ” A crazy guy banged on the counter and shouted, “Give me a meatball and a guarana.” The attendant then replied, “You’re crazy, aren’t you? How do you know? Was it because of the meatball or the guarana? No, sir, it was neither. This is a bank. Alexandrino had a son and went to register him at the city registry office. The clerk then asked, “What name would you like to give your son?” “Archibancada do 15 de Piracicaba. ” But how? “Archibancada do 15 de Piracicaba.” Don’t you know that this kind of name is forbidden for people? Your son can’t have that name. Alexandrino, dissatisfied, said, “But why isn’t it a normal name like any other? My other son even has a classmate with a name similar to this?” “Mr. Alexandrino, that’s forbidden, and I can’t do that. But tell me, what’s the name of your son’s classmate?” Geraldo Santos [Applause] is a joke to make you laugh. It’s a joke to make good humor flow. A joke to make you laugh is impossible to resist. Press play now and let the comedy take over. An American farmer and a Brazilian farmer are talking. “How big is your farm?” the American asks. Look, by Brazilian standards, my farm is a reasonable size. It’s 30 acres. And yours, how big is it? the Brazilian asks the American. Look, I leave home early, start my Jeep, and by noon I haven’t even covered half my farm. The Brazilian makes a face and replies: “Yeah, I used to have a car like that. It’s shit.” A crazy woman writes a letter to her son that says: “My dear son, I’m writing you a few lines just to let you know I’m still alive. I’m writing slowly, because I know you can’t read fast. You won’t recognize our house when you get back, because we moved. I can’t send you our new address because the family that lived here took the house number with them. We bought a washing machine, but it doesn’t work properly. Last week I put 10 shirts in it, pulled the cord, and never saw them again. As for your father, he got a good job. He has 1,000 men under him now. He’s the cemetery’s newest gravedigger. Your uncle Valdemar drowned last week in the wine cellar at the cooperative’s cellar. Some friends tried to save him, but you know, right? He was stubborn and fought bravely against everyone. His body was cremated, but it took three days to pay. On Thursday, I went to the doctor, and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to speak for the next 10 minutes. Your father then tried to buy the tube from the doctor, but he wouldn’t sell it. It only rained twice this week. The first time, it rained for three days, and the second, for four. On Monday, it was so windy that one of the hens laid the same egg three times. We received a letter from the bank informing us that if the last payment for your grandmother’s funeral isn’t made within 7 days, they’ll return it. Look, my son, take care, okay? A kiss from your mother. I was supposed to send you some money, but since I had already sealed the envelope, I couldn’t send it. But hey, next time, okay? Two country folks who had been fighting and angry with each other for a long time crossed paths on a farm road. One of them was leading a tethered herd of cattle, and the other quickly said, “Are you going to walk the ox?” The other, much admired, responds: “What audacity, friend! We haven’t spoken for that long, can’t you see that this isn’t an ox? It’s not a dairy cow; besides being shameless, it’s stupid. ” The other country bumpkin quickly responds: “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to the cow.” A hunter walks into a bar after a day of hunting and says to a guy: “Today I caught 90 rabbits, 150 partridges, and 350 sabre-eaters.” The guy, without wasting time, asks: “So you’re like me?” “Oh, so you’re a hunter too?” No, I’m not, I’m not a liar either. An aviation company needed another pilot for its fleet of planes and decides to place an ad in the newspaper. One fine day, a guy shows up at the company for an interview. Do you have a pilot’s license? What do I have? Do you know how to fly planes? No, sir. Do you know anything about flight coordinates? No, sir. Do you even speak English? No, Sir. So, what are you doing here? I came to tell you not to count on me for the job. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate The bell too. It doesn’t chime, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hello, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. A guy gets on a train and sits next to a very well-dressed gentleman. The guy starts looking at him and asks, “Have you never been on TV?” Yes, I usually go to a lot of general culture programs , so you must know me. The gentleman then takes the opportunity to say, “Look, since the trip is going to be long, do you by any chance want to play a game with me?” “Yes, you can,” the guy replied. “Let’s do it like this, then. Since I’m more cultured, you ask me a question about any topic. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll give you $. Then, I’ll ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you just give me . Do you agree?” “Yes, we will,” the man replied. The man then said he’ll start by asking a question. Here’s the first question. What’s the name of the writer who wrote The Luzíadas? The man starts to think and after a few minutes says: “I don’t know. Easy. The answer is Luís de Camões. Give me a dollar and you can ask me any question. Okay. Here’s the money. Well, what animal has four legs during the day and five at night? The little man thought and thought and said: “Look, I don’t know about that. So give me the dollars. Dollars, of course, take them here. But now tell me what animal that is. I have no idea. Here’s a dollar.” A little girl goes to her mother and asks: “Mommy, why do you always cut off the ends when you fry sausage? I don’t know, my dear, but this is something your grandmother always did.” She then goes to her grandmother and asks: “Grandma, why do you always cut off the ends when you fry sausage ?” “I don’t know, my granddaughter, but this is something your great-grandmother always made.” She goes to her great-grandmother and asks, “Grandmother, why do you always cut off the ends when you fry sausage ?” Rabiza-Grandmother then says, “My God, haven’t you bought a bigger frying pan yet?” On a train track near the asylum, a herd of 40 cows was walking alongside the tracks. Out of nowhere, a train appeared and ran over five cows. The director of the asylum heard about it and went to the scene. He then asked one of the crazy people who witnessed the scene how the accident had happened. The crazy person then said, “Look, director, the cows were actually very lucky. If the train had come head-on, it would have run over them all. Two guys just robbed a very large bank. They stop the car a few miles ahead and one says to the other, “Shall we count the money now?” No way, Mel. Let’s wait for them to tell you about it on the news later. A madman who had just been released from a mental institution got a job as a pilot for some airline. On a certain flight, the plane had a problem and one of the engines stopped. The madman, over the radio, told the passengers: “Passengers, due to a technical problem, we will arrive at our destination half an hour late. ” A few moments later, another engine also stopped, and the pilot again told the passengers: “Passengers, I regret to inform you, but we will arrive at our destination an hour late.” A few more minutes passed and all the engines stopped. The pilot, with incredible calm, told the passengers over the aircraft radio: “Oh, passengers, I regret to inform you, but we will spend the rest of the night in the air.” A man was traveling on a half-empty train and suddenly had a strong urge to take a shit. He went to the bathroom, but it was locked, so he decided to relieve himself in the aisle . Meanwhile, the ticket collector passed by and said: “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to come with me, and I’ll have to report this to the train chief.” to which the guy replies. Definitely, and for all I care, you can give him all the shit. Two crazy guys meet in the asylum workshop and one says to the other: “So? Are you like a carpenter now?” “Yeah, you are, but I’m a little intrigued. But why? I lost one of my fingers and I don’t know why.” Wow! And what were you doing to lose your finger? Nothing special. I was messing around here in this A rotary saw, and when I put my finger on it, it stopped like this. Look, I lost another one. A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor prescribes some suppositories, which he promptly goes to a pharmacy and buys. Some time later, he returns to the doctor, who asks him: “So, how have you been?” Look, doctor, it’s very difficult to swallow those pills. They’re very large. But do you take them by mouth? Of course you do. You wanted me to put them in the round. Yes, they say a country boy married a French woman and from the marriage a son was born, whom they named Jesuino. G from the mother, swine from the father. A guy says to his wife: “Honey, prepare some clothes for me because I want to take a shower and then take care of business at the company, okay?” The woman prepares the clothes and puts them in the bathroom for him. The guy starts taking his shower and soon shouts: “Honey, bring me my shampoo here, will you?” Yes, but honey, the shampoo is in the bathroom, but this one is for dry hair, and I’ve already wet my head. Two friends were in a pool. When one of them climbs on a surfboard, the other says, “Wow, Zé, you look like an eagle.” Why, Nestor? Is it because of my muscular chest? No, Zé, it’s because of your nails. One fine day, a country boy was going to the capital by bus and remembered to take his pet dog. When he arrived at the bus station, they wouldn’t let the dog on the bus because animals weren’t allowed on public transportation. As a solution, he tied the dog by the neck to the back bumper of the bus with a rope. When they arrived in the capital, he got off the bus and went to get the dog, but it was passed out with its tongue hanging out. The country boy sees this and says, “Oh, are you laughing?” Yeah, next time you came on foot. A guy’s mother-in-law is taken to the hospital in serious condition. After examining her, the doctor informs the man, “Um, we have no hope.” The man then asks, “Doctor, so she won’t survive?” “No, she will.” A young lady was in her golf lesson, but she was performing very poorly, as usual. She was hitting the ball into the trees with her putter, and the instructor, who was already desperate, said, “Oh, I think the problem is with the grip on your putter. You should hold it more lightly. Oh, imagine the putter is a man’s bingo hall.” The lady thought about this for a moment, picked up the putter, and hit the golf ball, which flew beautifully across the green and rolled into the hole, hitting it squarely. The instructor was surprised and said, “Wow, that was a brilliant attack. But next time, catch the bat with your hands and not your mouth, okay?” They launched a 180-degree cinema here. There was a huge party, and everyone wanted to go to the first showing. At the end of the movie, no one was leaving, so the owner went to see what was happening. Everyone was passed out. He then held a second showing, and by the end, everyone was also passed out. He held a third showing, and everyone was passed out. The theater owner then said, “Oh, shit, this isn’t going to work. I’m going to have to lower the temperature.” A guy was like a king in the theater, completely relaxed. His legs were on the front seat, his elbows were on the side seats, everything was comfortable. The theater manager was called and came over to the guy and said, “What a relief, huh, man? Don’t you want some popcorn and a soda? No, I don’t. I want an ambulance. I fell from up there. Hey, you there?” Yes, you with that wonderful finger who hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. It was night in the asylum and the lunatics were watching TV. One of the lunatics was observing the aquarium while the others were watching TV without blinking. Then the lunatic observing the aquarium asked, “Did you change the fish water today?” One of the lunatics watching TV then said, “Not yet. They haven’t even drunk the water I put in yesterday.” Two guys went to Italy and were very surprised when they entered the Colosseum in Rome. Wow, What a beautiful thing. It really is, man. Just imagine when they’re gone. [Music] A couple who were about to have a child were traveling through China. They arrived at a place called Lake of Names, because the Chinese would throw a pebble into the water and discover the name they would give the child by the sound the pebble made when it hit the lake water. A Chinese man who was on the shore threw a pebble that made the sound “tin yangan.” His son would have this name. Then, another Chinese man threw a pebble that made “tin toyan.” He was so happy and ran home to tell his wife his son’s name. So, the impressed husband decided to give it a try. He chose a polished pebble, cleaned it, and threw it into the lake. When the pebble hit the water, it made “timante.” [Music] Three guys walk into the bar and start talking. Yeah, friends, I think my wife is cheating on me with a bricklayer. But why do you think that? Yesterday I found a sledgehammer under the bed. Yeah. And my wife is cheating on me with a cleaning man. Wow, man, why? Just today I found a mop under the bed. Oh, oh, that’s nothing, says the third friend. And my wife is cheating on me with a horse. Two other friends are shocked and ask, “What do you mean?” Yes, last week I found a jockey under our bed. [Applause] A Brazilian walks into a store in Argentina and says, “Would you like a chamber pot, please?” The Argentinean replies that they didn’t have any chamber pots. “So, what’s that?” the Brazilian asks, pointing to the shelf with a bunch of chamber pots. Oh, those are Brazilian. The Brazilian gets pissed and says, “So, do I want a small or a large Brazilian? Can you give me one that fits about 3 kg of Argentines?” A crazy man got on the plane going to Europe. But the crazy man woke up because he bought an economy class ticket and sat in first class. When the woman noticed this, she went to the man. “Sir, your seat is in economy class, not first class.” The crazy man then says, “I’m not leaving here, and no one’s getting me out of here.” Then the woman calls a flight attendant to try to convince the man to leave. “Sir, your seat is in economy class, not first class. You have to change seats.” The crazy man says again, “I’m not leaving here, and no one’s getting me out of here.” The flight attendant and the stewardess then went to call the captain of the plane to try to convince the man to leave. The captain of the plane then arrived, looked at the man’s face, and whispered something in his ear that made the crazy man run and sit in economy class. The flight attendant and the stewardess The crew were stunned and asked the captain, “What did you tell the man to get him to stand up?” The captain then replied, “Oh, I simply told him that first class wasn’t going to Europe.” Two drunks were walking on a bridge when one of them lost his balance and fell into the river. The other drunk immediately went to call for help, but when they pulled him out of the water, he was already dead. “How is he?” the other drunk asked the firefighters. He drank a lot of water and, unfortunately, passed away. See? He drank water for the first time and died. [Music] A drunk was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when suddenly he saw a funeral going by and thought, “I’ll go over there and see who died.” When he got close to the funeral, the widow screamed, “There goes my husband. He’s going where there’s no television, where there’s no bed, where there’s no electricity, where there’s no rice and beans, where there’s no wine.” And you, who loved these things so much, are going to a place where there’s none of that.” The drunk then shouts: “Okay, all that’s left is to take this guy to my house. ” A drunk gets on a bus, sees a lady sitting there, and says: “Uh, why did you put on so much makeup? Well, to look prettier. And why didn’t you? ” A drunk walks onto a bench and asks for a glass of wine. The waiter immediately says to the drunk: “A glass of wine?” But do you know where it is? Can’t you read? This is the largest bench. That’s exactly what I want. White, red, and the best. Three drunks were discussing that if they were the president of the country, what would be the price of cachaça? The first one then says: “If I were president, a liter of cachaça would cost $. Wow, it’s very expensive,” replied the other two. The second one says: “If I were president, a liter of cachaça would cost . Wow, it’s very expensive,” replies the third drunkard, who then says: “If I were president, a liter of cachaça would cost only 50 cents.” That’s right, replied the other two drunkards and soon started celebrating. They hugged each other and soon fell like shit on the floor. One of the drunks then says: “Wow, just when I was enjoying this government, it fell.” A police car chases another car at high speed. When the police manage to stop the car, the officer notices that a very drunk man was behind the wheel. The officer then asks: “Didn’t you see the turn signals?” No? The man then replies: Turn signals? What turn signals? I didn’t even see the Indians. Two drunks board a train and mistake the ticket taker for the Navy officer, who was sitting there, handing him both tickets. The officer takes the tickets and says: “There must be some mistake here. I’m not the ticket checker.” You ‘re not the ticket checker? No, sir. I’m the Navy officer. And then one of the drunks says to the other: “Wow, we got on a boat by mistake.” A crazy man was in the asylum getting his body waxed when the nurse appears and asks: “May I ask what you’re doing?” “Can’t you see? They’re rubbing wax on their bodies.” Wax for what? The crazies here are crazy. I want to be a waxed crazie. In a mental institution, one of the crazies was sitting on a stool holding a fishing rod dipped in a bucket of water. The doctor walked by and asked, “What are you fishing for?” Oh, you idiots, doctor, have you caught any yet? You’re the fifth. At the end of the day, a crazie was walking through the halls of the asylum with a toothbrush on a string . He then passed a nurse who asked him, “Are you walking your dog?” “Wow! Can’t you see this is a toothbrush and not a dog? Then I’m the crazy one,” the crazie said, grumbling and walking away from the nurse. After a few minutes, he turned around and said, “Come on, Toto, we’ve fooled another one.” At school, the teacher asked Johnny, “Tell me what you mean by a transparent object.” He then says: “It’s an object through which one can see. Very well. Give me an example of a transparent object, then. The keyhole. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. In a mental institution, a guy goes to visit a distant relative and a crazy man appears with a knife in his hand and starts running after him. The guy panics and starts running in fear. He runs and runs until he reaches a corridor with no exit. The crazy man puts the knife to the guy’s neck and says: “Hey, I got it! Here’s the knife and now you run after me, okay? A somewhat crazy guy goes to the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’m desperate. I think I’m three. I don’t know what else to do. Calm down, sir. Lie down there, and the seven of us will solve your problem.” Nivaldo was entering the office at 9 a.m. when, on the sidewalk near his office door, he saw a guy on his knees, his ear pressed against a manhole cover. Since he was already late, he couldn’t find out more about the scene. He had already forgotten about it when, at lunchtime, he went out to get something to eat, and there was the same guy in the same position, with his ear pressed against the manhole cover. He was intrigued, but since lunchtime was short, he didn’t stop and kept going. When he returned, the same guy was in the same spot. It seemed like he hadn’t even moved. He was punching the cover as if checking something. At 6 a.m., Nevaldo left the office and almost tripped over the guy. He was in the same spot, motionless, with his ear pressed against the manhole cover. He couldn’t take it anymore and said: “Friend!”, the guy told him. putting his finger in front of his nose. “What’s wrong?” asked Nivaldo. The man looked distressed and signaled for him to lower his voice. There was only one thing to do. And Nivaldo got on his knees too and put his ear to the manhole cover, where the man had been all day. A minute passed, two, three. And Nivaldo then stood up and said: “Look, my friend, I didn’t hear anything.” The man then said: “Oh, and the strangest thing is that it’s been like this all day. An old man was on all fours looking for something and someone came up to him and asked: “Did you lose something?” “Yes, I lost, my son, a candy. But have you been here on all fours for so long because of a candy? What does a candy mean? My teeth are stuck to it.” A bodybuilder was looking at himself in the mirror and noticed he was all tanned, except for his bingo. So he decides to go to the beach, bury himself in the sand and leave only his bingo hall outside . Two candles pass by and one says to the other: “Look at this, happy beauty, isn’t there any logic in this world? When I was 10, I was afraid of this. When I was 20, I was curious about this. Then, at 30, I pursued it. When I turned 40, I lost interest in it. At 50, I even paid for it. At 60, I even prayed for this thing. In my 70s, I even forgot about it. And now that they’re 80, this crap even grows in the sand. When the old people celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, the woman asked her husband to spend their anniversary night at the same hotel where they had spent their wedding night. He agreed, and off they went. They arrived at the hotel and she wanted a special dinner in her room, the same as on their wedding night . Her husband agreed and called the hotel restaurant to order the food. During dinner, she felt completely at ease and At one point she leans over the table and says to her husband: “My dear, I feel a very strong heat in my chest, the kind I haven’t felt in 50 years here in this same hotel. The husband looks at his wife and says: “It’s just that your breasts are in the soup, dear.
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