Golf is one of life’s great equalisers.
Intellect, size, strength, athletic prowess, none of these come with any sort of guarantee that the possessor will be better equipped to get a little white ball into a faraway hole in fewer blows than somebody with below average intelligence, somebody small in stature, somebody who can neither lift, run, jump, kick nor throw with anything classed as real talent.
Yes, some are blessed with all of the initially mentioned traits, but there are many more whose superior brains, towering height, steely brawn, and sporting acumen only serve to frustrate them all the more.
One of my standout memories from lockdown – or the tail end of lockdown part one, to be more precise – was when legendary NFL quarterbacks Tom Brady and Peyton Manning teamed up with Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods to contest the Champions for Charity Match.
Perhaps it was the fact that live sport was virtually a distant memory, or perhaps it was the sight of 6’4″ gazillionaire Brady – with his seven Superbowl rings, supermodel wife and gleaming white teeth – playing like a 24-handicapper on a really bad day, but it was glorious.
His humiliation was complete when he bent over and split his rain gear up the arse crack. Here was a man who’d played in front of 100,000 people with regularity, who’d had the eyes of 100s of millions on him on television screens all over the globe, who’d faced 20 stone monsters who moved like lightweights and whose primary goal was to inflict grievous bodily harm on him with an inflated pigskin a seemingly secondary concern, and he’d done it all with consummate ease.
But that was American Football. This, was golf, and the game – and the pressure of playing it front of the greatest player that ever lived – had humbled him on live television in a manner that he’d previously only been able to imagine. So much so, that when he holed out for a very unexpected eagle about 15 minutes later, you couldn’t help but be happy for him.
That was five years ago, and every time Brady has popped up on my television screen since, it springs to mind.
It sprang to mind again this morning, but this time Brady was nowhere in sight. Instead, it was another supreme athlete brought to his knees with a stick in hand and a ball refusing to adhere to his wishes.
Enter Dan Burn, Premiership footballer, England international, bedrock of the Newcastle United defence, Carabao Cup winner, and scorer of one of the greatest headed goals ever seen at Wembley in the final victory over Liverpool.
Golf humbles us all every now and then, and Burn is no different. There were no TV cameras to capture it, but that doesn’t matter anymore when you’re a celebrity. Burn was out for a round at Blyth Golf Club when he was filmed teeing off on one of the holes, and it wasn’t a pretty sight.
The ‘S’ word, rhymes with ‘tank’. And a glorious one at that, straight over a white stake signalling the ‘out of bounds’ about five yards in front of him, nearly clattering into what appears to be a greenkeepers’ shed.
To give him credit. He held his pose as though he’d just lasered one right at the flag and was expecting it to drop, before dropping his head and beginning the walk of shame towards his bag, presumably to fetch another ball and have another go.
And of course, the person who captured the footage didn’t hesitate to post it on social media, opening up Burn’s humiliation – at least a little humiliation anyway – to the world.
Few of us will ever know what it’s like to score at Wembley, to pull on your nation’s shirt, or to lift a trophy in front of legions of fans, but we all know what it’s like to catch the hosel and watch it shoot off at a near right-angle.
Yeah, golf is one of life’s great equalisers, alright.
#NUFC #BlythGolfClub
Not a good start for Dan Burn lol ⛳️🤭 pic.twitter.com/l2yeGd2pBd
— ® Micky Bell (@Newshamboy) August 11, 2025
