Part 2 MadTV Stuart Larkin Played By Michael McDonald Sketch Comedy Funny Humour

part 2 a bunch of sketches of stuart larkin and his mom doreen

[Applause] we are now loading all first class passengers passengers traveling with small children and children traveling alone on flight 267 to Chicago at gate 35 like I was saying Mrs Lin there’s nothing for you to worry about oh I’m just so nervous about my baby flying on a plane all alone it’s his first time flying by himself you know oh I know but don’t worry we deal with the situation all the time where is your little boy oh he went to the little boy’s room he had to make brown bubbles well there he is St Stuart where did you get that devil dog I found it on the floor well you can’t eat that what did Mama say about the devil dog I don’t want to say what does mama say about the devil dog I don’t want to say devil dogs look like cream filled poop that’s right and Mama doesn’t want you eat e poop now steart no don’t you eat that you’ve had enough sugar today you’re going to get the diabetes oh he loves snacking now Stuart this is the nice lady that’s going to help you on your flight go on come over here let me do come on and go over hi steuart my name is Cindy no it’s very sweet honey I was just going to say hello oh he’s going to see his Daddy for Thanksgiving he left us on Tuesday you know well we better get Stuart seated okay come on St let’s get on the plane I don’t want to go on the plan well come on it’s time to board let’s get on the plane and go go on the come on let’s go right now now that ticket was expensive and if you don’t get on your daddy’s not going to pay me back sir where’s your jacket I don’t remember oh you know what you probably let it at the Cinnabon stand and now I’m going to have to go and get it oh would you try and get him on the plane and no matter what he tells you no more candy Stewart or your goo goo balls won’t drop I want some candy I want C well just hurry because we’re boarding right now so if you could hurry well well steuart do you want to get on the on the plane I don’t want some C Stuart you know we’re going to have so much fun we’re going to go way high up in the sky and when we get up there if you look out the window all the cars on the street all the cars they look like tiny little ants you’ve seen tiny little ants before haven’t you Stuart good well we’re going to have so much fun and I would love if we could just get on the flight next okay okay okay okay okay okay okay now boarding passengers in rows 2 5 through 35 rows 25 through 35 now boarding that that’s not yours that’s not yours to play with that is the property of the Airlines and that is I’m going to ask for that back you stop that right now and you give that back to that is not a toy don’t you give that back go give it go let me do it can you please our F fine fine look what I can do thank you thank you now enough Doling let’s get you on that plane store come on no I want some candy no time for candy candy if I give you some candy will you get on the flight I have some Skittles right here do you want some Skittles there you go I don’t know which color well just there you go no that’s enough more that’s you want some C the C look what I can [Applause] do oh I miss him already me too you’re late again Linda yes I know that but my car had a flat tire save it Linda okay if you’re late one more time I’m going to have to let you go you got that report ready for me well I just need to make a few changes hurry hi Daren well hi looks like it’s going to be one of those days huh well I know what you mean my son’s Child Care called this morning apparently there was a bomb scare oh my gosh that’s horrible well where is he I’m right here [Applause] [Applause] now where did you get that kit kaer where did you get the kit Kart I found it on the floor no you give me that kit K right now don’t you even think it oh oh you are so willful Linda meet my willful son Stewart hi there steuart I’m just going to say hi well somebody took the train to cranky Ville this morning start be nice and say hello well that that’s okay I’m actually very busy I have to get this done well he just needs some breakfast is all he needs I’ll see if there’s anything in the break room okay I Want Some Sugar Pops no more sugar no sugar now what’s our motto for today don’t look for trouble that’s right oh what are you doing I’m working Stuart can I have a piece of candy no no no s I heard your mom say uh no sugar so she didn’t mean that kind of sugar there’s only one kind of sugar Stuart please please no please no no you can’t no no no fine fine fine fine fine here you go here you go let me do it fine pick pick a piece of candy pick a piece of candy that me too just do it what do the Reds taste like the Reds tastes like Cherry I here you know what just take the whole it’s fine take the whole thing I don’t care just have to work Stuart why did you do that you said it was Cherry but you lied it was cinnamon well great now I got the juice all over my report you know what give me back the candy no you you don’t get the candy St oh steuart are you okay steuart you’re fine steuart you’re fine hey hey hey what’s going on here he fell backwards when I took the candy jar from him you’re taking candy from a kid no I always knew you were lazy Linda but I didn’t know you were mean give me that there you go Stuart is that report ready yet well it was almost ready but then steuart spit candy at it stop blaming your problems on a little boy look he’s just a little boy if that report is not on my desk in 10 minutes you’re fired I hope you get cavities well now what is going on here St where did you get the Candy Linda insisted I have some well didn’t you hear me say no sugar well yes but he was hoing you know it is not very nice of you to undermine my authority as a parent Linda I happen to be a single parent sart’s father left us son Tuesday through the internet yes I know start I got a bagel toasting in the break room you want to help Mama put them jam on it or you want to stay and help Linda I want to stay and help Linda actually I’m very busy I’ve got a lot of stuff to do could be a good little office worker for [Music] Linda Lind Lind Linda Linda [Music] Linda Linda yes yes yes yes Stuart Linda look what I do you know what you know what you know what s here look what I can [Music] do see okay that is not that hard that is not a good trick you’re ugly you little BR you know what you need is a good spanking no one’s ever punished you a day hey what the heck is going on now I’m just trying to teach you you’re trying to beat up a sweet sweet little boy is what you’re trying to okay you know what Linda that’s it take your stuff and get out of here you’re fired go fine fine I’m fired but you know what this kid is the [Applause] [Music] devil they right there Stewart oh our thing hasn’t even had any breakfast yet that’s not right hey Stuart what say you and me and your mom go get some breakfast huh did you hear that startart Mama just got asked out on a DAT by the oh no no oh no no that’s that’s not really what I meant actually can I have some Sugar Pops oh well we’ll see maybe if you behave at breakfast Mr km will join us at your softball game this afternoon you know I think I think you’re probably reading a little bit too much into this I just want maybe Mr km would like to be your new [Applause] Daddy I don’t want a new daddy well that’s okay St I don’t want to be your St to just scoop the leaves out of the pool like I asked you [Applause] to I’m paralyzed well your beer drinking arm is doing fine you better ease up on the boo there Stan your grandson will be here in a minute don’t don’t you don’t me don’t don’t don’t don’t [Applause] anybody Stewart come here Mom you know that Stuart doesn’t like to be touched look at you are you ready for a swim looks like you got a new speedo on yeah he picked it out himself at this sales spin but it’s an irregular and I don’t like the way it rides [Music] them D just let me fix [Music] it St I don’t want your goooo flopping out for God’s sake Dorene we’re all family here let us googoo flop out [Applause] oh D say hi to grandpa but Grandpa can’t walk that’s right so you go over to him and bring him a beer I don’t have time I’m going swimming sir what does mama say about Grandpa dad is an alcoholic no what I told you at the store it said be nice to Grandpa or no oh remember will you do it for me Stewart okay yeah a boy boy he sure has had a growth spurt hasn’t he my not I just hope it’s not a pituitary issue I don’t want to winding up in the guess book oh well don’t you worry that book is only for freaks look what I can do what the hell was that don’t you get it stand it’s a track look what I can do look what I can do look what I can do look what I can do look what I I can do I do I do okay okay I get it take that beer now [Music] Stuart what the hell are you doing down there Stewart Grandpa can you feel your legs no Stuart you know I can’t can you feel your cocoa no Han thankfully for me that’s numb too give your grandpa the beer good boy why don’t you do your beer commercial for Grandpa okay well go on start Grandpa’s waiting let me do [Music] it what’s [Music] you should be in commercials well we tried it once but they said that star doesn’t have the kind of face that people like to associate with food what a shock start you get those chips out of your mouth they said no eating before you go swimming or you sink like a [Music] stone have that boy check for worm you’ll be quiet don’t now stor you just you jump in and you swim right over to the side don’t push him dor don’t you undermine my authority as a parent mother [Applause] what Aquaman just like Aquaman it’s more like COA man what do you mean well he he get out of let SP the P okay there we get off for God’s sake get off [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hey baby where you been se you for smokes it’s been 3 hours well something funny happened to me today you know how you and me been wanting a baby well I found a baby at the mall oh no you didn’t Harley don’t be mad at me he is beautiful and he is outside I want him okay te bring him in okay come on in it’s okay come on little [Applause] one you said that you had chickens well yes yes we we do have chickens I’ll show you them in a minute isn’t he just the cutest little orphan no he don’t look like no orphan well he is an orphan it is tragic and I want him all right all right go see hi her new daddy oh go say hi to your just go over and say h where he kind of Spooks easily well he like he likes food a lot I offer him some of them chips okay dude you want some chips Kettle cook barbecue that’s my favorite put him down first really sure got a healthy appetite that’s cuz he’s malnourish he needs us hey little fella you really don’t got no mama [Music] well I wanted to have fast food for lunch my momy said no what do we say about fast food I said I want to say and she said say it and I said fast food gives you a fast death and I said but I want it anyway and then she said no and that’s final and then I locked myself in the station wagon and she said open up the door St I said no and that’s final and then she got mad and she went to go get the wooden spoon to give me a spanking and that’s when I ran away to the mall I knew it he’s no or you have to take him back no Arley I don’t want to take him back don’t you see how much happier he is here with us aren’t you sweetie aren’t you looks like you kidnapped yourself a big brat you’re a poo poo no want to kicks me in my own hole no Harley no Harley no no Harley no no steuart would you like to go see those chickens now chickens fascinate me well they’re right outside in that yard so go ahead and take a look Mo I need [Music] room m you want me to take him back don’t you no I got a better idea we Ransom him back to his mama we used that money to to buy ourselves a cuter kid part of that sounds kind of dangerous are you sure you just don’t want to keep steart look what I can do [Applause] [Music] how much you think we can get for [Music] them Stuart Stuart it’s time for R what are you doing now I’m looking for my missing too I’ve already begged it and put it under your pillow for the Tooth Fairy now come on and say your prayers now let me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep if I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take God bless Mommy and God bless daddy who just had to get out of this hell hole where’d you hear that nonsense from Daddy on the phone your father called well you did he me did he mention me uh he said that you could nag the paint off the walls well good night Stewart [Music] [Applause] [Music] you darling little boy but you’re suppos to be sleeping I can’t I’m too excited where’s my dollar oh but we don’t give out money any longer but don’t worry though your tooth be gone it’s no big loss for we have brought you dental floss here enjoy I don’t want it’s not our intention to cause you displeasure so in exchange for your tools we give you this treasure now I’d rather have a [Music] dollar all right listen kid it’s been a long night you understand and I collect teeth for a living so you can imagine how gross that job is this is my last stop of the night so though your tooth be gone it’s [Applause] no what is going on to fa trying to give me dental floss so I kicked her into that big bedro she can’t see me kid sir what is my mama say about lying I don’t want to say what does mama say I don’t want to say what’s that little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis yeah good spanking might be pretty good for you too mommy what does this mean St that gesture is for kids that go to the public school now it is lights out for [Laughter] you yes boss I’m sorry I’ll try all right I’m so sorry that I flipped you the arm Stuart Stuart oh Stuart Stuart is everything okay Stuart hello where are you I’m in my dark place [Applause] what can we do to cat you out of your dark place a dollar I told you I don’t have a dollar okay well um maybe I could teach you how to fly how about that huh start like this huh I’m not supposed to jump on the bed my mom says only Italians do that no Polish people do it too come on that’s it come on like this that’s right good all right yes yes yes look what I can do oh crap Stewart what the Dickens is going on I was jumping on the bed with the tooth fa and then I fell off I’m not hurt but I’m startled store come here right now now St I got to tell you there is no such thing as the Tooth Fairy Oh you see adults can’t see me it’s just little children because they’re so simple and sweet shut up tooth fairy oh no ST it’s all right if you have your imaginary friends and it’s even okay to misbehave once in a while so I’m going to give you this dollar for your tooth but now you got to be good and you got to go to bed okay thank you thank you thank you thank you good night Stewart give me my kiss it’s mine I’ll trade you thank you you’re welcome bye see you next time and don’t forget to [Music] floss well I’m really glad you saw my add on the church bulletin board I I just love caring for children um does your son have any special needs I should know about oh no not at all no he’s just your average little [Music] boy your time y [Applause] [Music] what does mama say about sliding down the banister I want to say what does mama say I want to say what does mama say about sliding down the banister don’t slide down the banister cuz you’ll injure your goooo and that’s all that some men have going for them yeah that’s right just like your father M St come on over here and meet Branda she’s the new baby sitter hi steuart I’m Bren sweetie it’s okay I’m just trying to say [Music] hi Oh yeah I’m sorry I’m afraid Stuart’s just not very good at meeting new people I’ve even talked to the professionals about it they’ve assured me it’s just something that he’ll grow out of and for now I guess I’m just supposed to use Pati understanding I Brenda and she’s ugly no well now Stewart you haven’t even really met her yet now you be a big boy and go on and get acquainted with her go on go on now Mama’s got to go upstairs and put on a g nut yes it is my first date since Stewart’s father left us on Tuesday so good for you good for you mama mama mama what is that St why don’t you go out on a date with Daddy [Music] so just no no no no more sugar okay just stay away from the sugar go your [Music] head hey Stuart uh so like your daddy huh mhm mom told me that your dad left on a on a Tuesday how’s that make you feel why because I I think I know how it feels I grew up without a daddy too and it’s important for you to know steuart that you know sweetie that’s not your fault okay Stuart that was not very nice say that into the [Music] microphone will if I do can we be friends then I don’t know well well then never mind no I don’t need to be your friend I’m just going to sit here and I’ll read a magazine and I’m going to sit here and eat a cookie no no Ste your mother doesn’t want you to have that she doesn’t have to know St don’t put it putting it on your tongue count that sugar on the outside of that it’s delicious I’m sure it is but that’s all right that’s enough right there that that Li is put it down steuart don’t don’t don’t put take it out no no I’m sorry now I’m going to have to tell your mother no no wait wait look you I still have to tell your mother about the cookie no you don’t yes yes I do all right steuart steuart I’m going to tell you a little secret okay you can’t manipulate me because I’m smarter than you so let’s agree to be friends and play a game then let’s play fire the babysitter Stuart you are not going to have me fired yes I am no you’re not no nice try [Music] don’t hurry you’re fine you’re fine you’re fine you’re fine what the J is going on here Branda said that I was stupid and then she tried to beat me no I can I can clear this up it all started when Stuart ate a cookie a cookie well no I thought I made it perfectly clear no more sugar you did you made that crystal clear well he’s trying to manipulate us it wasn’t my fault I told oh well now yes it was Branda I was counting on you for proper guidance now he is just a simple boy he couldn’t make his way out of a paper bag well I’m afraid this just isn’t going to work out [Music] Branda I see steuart looks like you got your way this time good byea Mrs Lin you have a very clever little boy on your hands goodbye [Music] Brenda goodbye steuart [Applause] hi Pam sets oh yeah we close at 5 o’ okay [Applause] bye hi there looks like someone wants a puppy huh that’s someone is me steart I told you we come in here just to look we are not going to get a puppy I want a puppy absolutely not now we have been through this we’re not get no we are not no we’re not getting a puppy a puppy what happened to the neighbor’s puppy I don’t I don’t want to say what happened tell her what happened to the Del R puppy I don’t want to say Dan I want to say just Dan the Delio’s puppy pooped in the bed that’s right he pooped in the bed yeah and we have enough trouble with you in that department don’t we look at the bird you like bird store mhm look what I can do you you need to be calm around Mr Pips okay where’s Mr Pip’s goooo is what it’s goo his goo’s not there I don’t I don’t know what that is we talking about is goo it’s jangling mine’s in my danger zone yeah I understand now it’s it’s under his feathers Stewart would you like to to hold them okay oh you be careful steuart let me do it okay now he’s most comfortable up on your shoulder okay so I’m just going to set him up a I need you to hold still if I’m going to put him on your shoulder okay ready one two St are you afraid no I’m just not ready do now don’t go wasting the lady’s time let me do [Music] it I’m ready okay here we go nice and easy up on your there goes there we go oh okay all right he rejected me that’s okay that’s okay let’s try it again there you go there you his claws are in my shoulder it’s giving me a SP if you are he be [Applause] [Music] you okay you okay Mr pitch Mr Pips tried to kill me is Mr Pips a bird or a Busa huh I’m sorry that’s never happened before steart what are you doing oh my you what are you doing in there he’s eating dog oh sure what are you eating oh come on now I’m a puppy you are not a puppy you are a young boy now get out of there right now before I get a one spoon get up oh no we’re going to have to get your stomach pumped excuse me de you have any feeder rats uh yeah I I’ll be right back hey don’t come on noar let’s get a move on but I want to stay and see his pet rat come on oh I don’t have a pet rat I have a pet boa constrictor and I feed it live rats cool huh [Applause] get off Myer oh your kid’s a freak [Music] lady yeah okay one Fe R where’d he go oh he left St didn’t want the rat to get eaten isn’t that precious oh not to me actually he just blew sale but I want a pet rat steart absolutely not come on please steart you are not old enough for a pet oh no please please please listen to those manners how can I say no to that he just went a poo on me that means he likes you it means he likes me if he goes pull him I’ll ring you up okay I’m going to have to turn for that can of dog food we’re going to need a cage too with a very strong lat cuz I am terrified of ronin I’ll tell you that look what I can do [Music] [Applause] I’m Doren Lin st’s mother you wanted to see me oh please come in I must say I am surprised you finally made it in I’ve been sending notes home with your son for over two months oh yeah well he’s been eating them please have a seat Mrs Morin Stuart is much more intelligent than than he’s letting on and sometimes that manifests itself in in very negative ways oh is he biting again well that’s just a real simple fix just spray your arm with bitter apple no that’s not it this is about the Valentine Stuart made me when he uh he found out I was going to be going away he used our class video camera well start made a video Valentine well he can’t even wipe his own behind without me doing the follow up well miss Mar please just just watch this hi Miss Craig it’s me Stewart Happy Valentine’s Day look what I can do Tada I just wanted to say that you’re my favorite teacher and that I love you very much and when you said that you were going away that made me sad please don’t go away Miss Craig please please don’t go away please please please please please please please please don’t go away I know where you live [Applause] [Music] well now where is he anyway stop get out of [Applause] here am I in trouble well it’s daylight isn’t it no get in here no I can’t I’m busy at recess steuart I’m busy at recess steuart steuart honey would you come in for me please okay let’s cry sirart honey we wanted to talk to you about the video that you made did you like it no I didn’t the I didn’t make it byebye oh no you [Applause] don’t what does mama say about boys who don’t take their responsibility I don’t want to say what ises mama say I don’t want to what boys so don’t take responsibility little boys who don’t take responsibility get hariry pal no that’s for something else if we could get back to the video let’s get back to the video I think the problem is is obvious now Stuart have you experienced a loss recently well I lost my favorite army man and then I remember that I swallowed him for insubordination and so my mom had to monitor my poop for a week and when she found it he was missing his gun no honey not not that kind of loss honey has anyone close to you died recently oh oh my Grandpa died and my grandma died and my dog died and my fish died and then my cat ate my dead fish on choked on that and di oh yeah my dad died oh no your dad’s not Dad he’s dead to me okay well now we are getting somewhere Mrs Lin do you see now why steuart is attaching himself to me so strongly he is reliving the rejection of his father so is my mama every time she smells aquela or sees petta Stuart I I want to tell you the reason why that I’m going to be leaving do it you’re a big boy do it yeah look I did it now I want to tell you but it’s a secret you can’t tell anyone I love Secrets my family has lots of them yeah I bet they do um but the reason I’m leaving I’m having a procedure called lipos Su why are you having lipos SU well because I’m overweight your breath smells like chocolate for God’s her she’s going in because she doesn’t have a man in her life that’s why she’s getting a fat sucked out in the first place well thank you yes see so you see that’s that’s why I’m com honey where are you I’m so sorry see but honey I’m going to leave but I will be coming back in in just a few weeks and when I do come back I’ll be much [Music] thinner but miss Craig I just want you to know that I think that you’re beautiful the way that you are thank you Stuart now you just go right outside and play okay hey everybody miss crack is getting the fat sucked out of [Applause] [Music] [Applause] her sir come on outside well there you are her why didn’t you come outside when I called I’m in my dark place because you forgot my bir oh my goodness I did forget your birthday what tell you what let’s go to the Baskin Robins and get you some birthday sherbet huh come on birthday boy H you have a special time with a little SC sheret come on let’s go get well St I of course course didn’t forget your birthday I was just trying to give you a surprise now I’ve got all your aunts and uncles out in the backyard waiting for you in the hot sun to say surprise so you’re going to get off your fatty and get out out there next surprise you got me [Music] happy birthday steart do you remember which ant I am the alcoholic oh no are you the one who lives with her friend just no then you must be the ugly one no s you apologize to your aunt norin I’m sorry you’re ugly say I think it’s time to open up a present yeah give him his present where is it give him give it to him where is it come on not very polite Behavior what does mama say about little boys who aren’t polite I say what does mama say Sir what does mama say about little boys who I play little boys who aren’t polite give the pro-choice movement a reason to exist that’s right well well it’s present time huh close your eyes St okay close your eyes I’m doing well then close them well then close them they’re still open close them quick keep them closed okay open your eyes D it’s a big boy bike are you surprised yes I just peeded a little now steart listen all your aunts and uncles they chipped in to get you this because they know that your father left us financially high and dry so what do you have to say I hate Daddy no now you say thank you I’ll thank them with a trick the CL [Applause] there’s the second part yeah here comes another one oh no start no you can’t ride that bike until you go change your pants I don’t want you getting lemonade all over the brand new seat no go ahe and change no you got to go and change oh well well I’m sorry everybody it looks like my steart had himself a cranky burger and fries for lunch oh Dar it doesn’t matter we’re having a great time aren’t we get back in there and get some pant on S you can’t ride the bike with just your under RS it’ll feel good when the breeze comes Norine go get the video camera oh are you sure you want to record this no of course go on yeah okay now start just to the end of the driveway I know the world is a dangerous place careful I’m going I’m going going the trash can oh D are are you all right are you all right oh no that’s enough look at your elbow it looks like you’ve been in the Vietnam no I want to go again Mama I have to spread my wings no steart okay come on now careful that’s it now watch what you’re [Music] doing GE oh my get up get up here oh look okay go Absolut no absolutely not no mama you have to let me I forbid it I have tasted Freedom well at least do me this much of a favor and going the other direction I I’ll do you that favor because I’m older and wiser that’s a big [Music] boy save the save the save the cake save the cake save the cve the the C save the cake I I made that cake just for you steart care it’s got coconut in it no save some for everybody out [Applause]