ASMR: A very Thorough Golf Equipment Tester (roleplay)

This is a roleplay designed to generate ASMR.
If you enjoy inspections of sporting goods, please inspect this playlist. There’s an iconic table tennis racket video you may just like:

Chapters
0:00 Questions
1:03 4-point Bag Inspection
3:48 Contents Inspection
16:22 Club Inspection
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Hello there. So your competitor is 
competing in the open. I am one of the match referees and I’m going 
to conduct a thorough inspection of all equipment your competitor shall be 
using. So please let me take their name and please might I take the name of 
the caddy whom they will be using Right has your competitor been involved 
in any prior golfing skullduggery, such as match fixing or 
equipment tampering please? Excellent. Right I’m going to start 
with some visual inspections of the bag, after which we’ll be emptying 
the contents of the golfing bag, checking all equipment and at the end I’ll 
inspect the clubs. So first bear with me please So looking down the checklist, make is Nike model Colour is predominantly black with white stitching As far as I can see there’s no 
illegal use of colour anywhere No apparent modifications and for the attachments, so you have your 
standard strap there which is perfectly fine Little zip pack here, which I will inspect later and we have a towel here, which I presume 
is for club care and drying and inspect that Right let’s unload the bag, have a look inside at 
the equipment and continue with the inspections Hello please have a seat so before us 
is the contents of your competitor’s golf bag. I must say there is a little bit 
of an excess of equipment and we need to refine things down and make a note of 
what we can use and what we can’t use So going to have a little look at the towel. 
This is completely legal to use to dry the clubs, probably won’t really be needed due 
to the favourable weather conditions, but I quite like this one we have the 
Tasmanian devil there with the motto king of swing So the towel is fine Can’t see any illegal substances on that We’ll note the colour Going to ensure that you keep 
the correct equipment throughout the tournament. Don’t want to find 
any modifications post competition A little area of contention is the amount of 
balls that your competitor is carrying in the bag I notice we have some srixon there We have some Nike precision, tour accuracy TW Your competitor isn’t going 
to be using those balls but I shall use one from this selection which we must 
determine now. So golf ball make and number and colour is of paramount importance. So we have 
a Dunlop four. The top flight three red. The Dunlop four was red as well. The fluorescent 
ball shall not be used by any competitors Today we are sticking with white, as I say due to 
favourable weather conditions. a Titlist one red and a Donay red pro one Now which two balls from these is your competitor 
going to be using please? Please make a selection Okay we’ll go for the top flight three red and the Dunlop four red Right your competitor is allowed to 
use just one primary ball from these two and one as a backup. A third ball if 
required shall be provided by the match referee. So primary ball, will it be 
the top flight or the Dunlop please? Right let me take the vital 
measurements for the Dunlop First and foremost, we must ensure that 
if we slice this perfectly in half, that we have a symmetrical ball The dimples on the ball which help with flight 
and speed, ah there we go, shall not exceed 3.5mm They are pretty even thank you The diameter of the golf 
ball shall not exceed 4.267cm We have 3.9, excellent The weight of the golf ball 
shall not exceed 45.93 g We have 45.62 I’ll also measure the backup ball, 
which is the top flight three 45.71 thank you and the total diameter of 
that is again 3.9 as expected I’m just checking the dimples here Three, three and three mil again. Lovely and do we have a spherical ball, that 
would be symmetrical if sliced in half? I’d say so thank you. So please use 
the Dunlop four red for each hole No alterations to either ball Dimple diametre didn’t exceed 4 mil and this is Dunlop Revelation and the Top Flight 3 is Z Balata Okay that concludes the golf ball inspections We have some extra balls in there, they 
are rendered obsolete so do not use those Whether you want to reattach 
this to your bag it’s up to you Right is your competitor an alcoholic? Had a hip flask. Alcohol is 
prohibited during this tournament There is evidence of whiskey here. We’re 
going to confiscate this. It is empty but we don’t want your 
competitor under the influence of alcohol in any which way possible So hip flask confiscated. They’ll get 
it back at the end of the tournament and finally your golfing tees. Well, 
before expecting inspecting the clubs So the rules are pretty 
relaxed regarding golfing tees Any colour is permitted. Just have to 
ensure that they do not exceed 10.16 cm, which you can tell straight away none of these do. That’s actually the longest from 
the bag. It measures at exactly 5 cm 4.3 and 4.7 Colours are all legal and 
your little tee wedges are also permitted for placing and removing the tee None of these shall alter the 
flight of the ball thank you So we had white yellow green blue red Right let’s inspect your competitor’s clubs Right the rules are pretty relaxed 
when it comes to the clubs, as long as there are no modifications and 
the competitor isn’t carrying more than 14 clubs during one round, we should be 
okay. So shall we start with the driver Now with golf clubs of course there’s a 
lot of science and technology involved Take off the cover there, it’s like a giant sock So on every club I’m going to be inspecting 
the heel, the sole, the toe and the crown here Checking the condition and for any modifications. 
This is a tailor made R580 XD good choice It’s a very light club, but probably 
packs a good punch and as for the in grip that’s fine, lovely 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 
let’s go for the putter next What do we have here? A tour flex graphite again, pinseeker precision, performance 
plus shaft, pro grip. What is this? That’s part of the model, lovely Right let’s have a look at some of your irons Looks like the highest you have is a nine Okay tailor made, so in keeping 
with the same set. Nice grip Of course your higher irons are less about 
distance and more about control. This is known as the loft angle here, so much wider 
loft angle there shall reduce the distance the ball travels but in theory provide 
you with more control. That’s your nine Your others are looking intact. Let’s 
have a look at your sand wedge here Look at that for a loft angle. Incredible how 
these things are designed to get under the ball, under the sand, slice it up. Provide you with a 
little bit of back spin. Okay a beautiful club Nice grip, no modifications 
there, that’s the sand wedge Right let’s have a look at a three iron There you go. Compared to the nine, 
you can see less of a loft angle, so more about distance, maybe at the expense 
of control, but every club has its purpose Super steel burner lovely Right I think that completes the inspections. 
I’m very happy with everything. The equipment we have confiscated shall be returned 
to your competitor following the event So thank you for this and best of luck